Holding On For Dear Life

So, after almost a decade of being on my local housing association's waiting list I have been offered a home. I have had five different jobs while waiting for this offer and it comes during a stint of  unemployment; I have very little savings and no career on the horizon. But I couldn't say no.

At the beginning of the year my friend and I paid for a psychic reading, the woman was welcoming, genuine and knew things about me no one could ever guess, and she foresaw three big, important life events that would arrive by the end of August. The first was a course of study, which was funny because I had arranged to start an IT course that very morning, since then I have committed myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and am currently being assessed for an apprenticeship within the NHS. That's a lot of study; prediction one definitely came true.

The second important change was going to be a move - finally getting a house of my own. I was probably most excited for this one as my current home (my mother's home) holds a lot of bad memories and years of unhappiness that are difficult to forget. Unfortunately, though I tried to my hardest to make it happen, being unemployed and having severe bouts of emotional turbulence made me give up on any possibility of it happening. Then, on Tuesday this week, I received a visit from the local housing officer; within twenty minutes I had viewed the property and agreed to take it. Prediction number two came as a complete surprise.

Prediction number three is yet to arrive though I have been told it will be man-shaped, older and very good for me. He has less than three weeks to get here!

I spent a lot of time thinking about what the psychic told me and wondering how she didn't see my breakdown or the last four month's of recovery, but I have concluded that even if she had, she probably wouldn't have told me. I had to choose to change - it had to be my decision. I couldn't have been influenced by anyone but myself, yet if I hadn't made the choice to change, I never would have gotten anything she promised me. I would have never had the courage or self-belief to study for a degree or even apply for the position I have within the NHS and the very idea of living alone would have terrified me; I would have denied myself all these new, exciting opportunities and continued to waste my life, living in fear.

So, maybe the psychic put these ideas in my head and I created my own path to them, or maybe she saw that a breakthrough was on it's way for me. Either way, the universe is throwing a lot at me right now and I'm handling it, somehow. Everything is still a bit of a struggle but it's getting easier, slowly but surely, I'm retraining my mind to ignore the doubts and the negative thoughts and focus on the good stuff, though right now I'm so busy preparing to move I don't have time to dwell on my bad stuff.

This Bunny's Starting Again x

Crying Like A Little Girl

This week has been another rough one but I've been trying to channel my negative energy and swap my bad habits for healthier ones. All of a sudden I'm doubting everything, including the sertraline, which worked brilliantly for the first month and then it all went downhill. I'm back to 100% vegan and it's going much more successfully than the first attempt; I reasoned that, seeing as I was barely eating anyway, that cutting out dairy and eggs wouldn't be difficult.

I've been challenging myself lately, forcing myself to be more adventurous and say 'yes' more. Whenever I have one of those days where I just want to curl up and hide indoors all day I make myself move; I get up, put on my face and go outside. Allowing myself to wallow is not an option. It hasn't been easy but I have had a few good times as a result of my forced enthusiasm, most of them exhaust me. (It's a small improvement.)

I've been trying to shake things up recently, going vegan, changing up my exercise, colouring my hair and re-decorating, in an attempt to liven myself up and get happy again. My biggest problem is the return of my anger and agitation - it occurs at random and the only way I have to deal with it is exercise. I jump on the bike and cycle until I am too tired to feel wound up. It's an unbearable pressure and the exercise is only a temporary fix. Even sleep has turned on me - when I am managing to sleep I am having horrific nightmares! We are talking blood, dead frogs and being run over by trucks - not relaxing at all.

Today I tried to relax in a bath of Epsom salts and lavender oil and it was great, until I got out and curled up on the bathroom floor to sob for no apparent reason. Suddenly, everything was too much, everything I was trying to do became a hopeless waste of time that would eventually become more stress I wouldn't be able to handle. I am actually considering cancelling my university application - the degree I was so excited about getting is now terrifying me; will it be beneficial? Will I eventually quit anyway? Will I be able to work and study? How did something that made me so happy become such a stressful endeavour?

I wish I had something more positive to say, I really, really wish I did. I want to be able to tell the world that it gets better, that all mental and emotional difficulties can be overcome and everyday is a little bit easier but it's a rocky road with no clear destination in sight. Will I get a degree? Will I be a fully functional human being someday? Will I be able to eat and sleep like a normal person?

Only time will tell...

Not-A-Happy-Bunny x

An Interview & A Meltdown

I had a job interview this afternoon, my first in two years and my first ever on medication/suffering a bad bout of depression. Usually the idea of being judged and questioned terrifies me but today was bearable. There was a distinct ominous feeling on the journey there, plus a bad case of the sweats, however, the meeting was brief, relaxed and I only said 'sort of' twice. Relief! Whether I got the job is still unsure but I walked away with  an immense sense of pride knowing I did my best and I DID NOT SHAKE! Nerves, excitement, fear - any and very emotion manifests into shaking with me and each day I get through without the shakes is a victory for me. There is no symptom of anxiety I hate worse than the uncontrollable tremors that have made me self-conscious for almost a decade.

Today's victory meant so much more after my recent weeks of doom and gloom. I can't stop putting pressure on myself - everything has to better and it has to be better right now, or it's simply not good enough. I make big plans, have grand expectations and even greater disappointments. I try to relax, I really do, but there's no pill in the world capable of slowing down my brain. It's my constant thinking and planning that keeps me up at night, then I wake up and it starts all over again; I don't get peace in the mornings, not even five minutes before my head starts hurting. I've always wanted to be one of those happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-moment people but I've always been a 'stresser'.

I've been really down on myself lately and the way I am - who I am. I don't know if I was born to be this way or if life made me like this, there's a lot about me I would change if I could but my biggest challenge will be accepting the things I can't and, hopefully, learning to enjoy them.

I'm So Confused

So, the hard times continue...

This last month has been painful! My mind and body are so mixed up, I just don't know what's going on. All the toxins are coming out of my skin after 11 weeks since giving up smoking and I have been acne-riddled for weeks now. My chin especially has been a mess; my sister asked me earlier this week if I had a rash. I went through creams and washes, masks and scrubs, all of them useless, so as of two days ago, I'm cutting down on the face products because I know I'm only making it worse. A lot of people have suggested I go to the doctor for help but they don't understand all of the changes my body is going through, or that this will only be temporary. Spots are irritating but they are not my biggest concern.

A niggling, but ever-present, concern right now is my appetite. In the beginning I craved donuts, cakes and cookies, then I settled into a simpler eating plan of cereal, sandwiches, pasta and other 'sort of healthy' but quite basic foods. Unfortunately, as time goes by, my appetite is getting smaller and smaller; I haven't dared weigh myself because I don't want my mind to get excited about the loss and then become disappointed again later. I know I don't eat enough some days and I've been counting calories and aiming for 2000 a day to help me heal. I need food right now, yet can't bring myself to eat it, and when I do, everything is tasteless.

My mind is just numb. Before I was always so wound up that weeks would fly by without my realising; mania, anger, depression and anxiety broke up my days, leaving all the in-betweens as a blur of nothing. Now, I am completely and totally aware of every second of every day. It's difficult to deal with, I cannot lie, to go from living inside my own head while the world moves around me to seeing and experiencing everything. Part of me does try to retreat from it, my imagination tries to overpower the reality, especially during the hard moments of the last month.

Sometime It All Gets Too Much

It has been a struggle not to let myself sink into depression, it has become a familiar state for me (isn't that just tragic). Sometimes my only goal is this weekly update, but lately, it has been hard to force myself to publish my personal downfalls. I do it to remind myself how far I have come.
No one said this would be easy. If anyone reading this is going through anything similar I just want you to know that you are not alone; remember that you are changing your life for the better. Be proud of yourself and realise that people who love you are proud of you too, even if they don't know how to say it.

THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE SCARIEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE CLIMBING UP AND NOT DOWN.

Frustrations

I have to get this out - this week has been A-W-F-U-L!

I'm tired, not sleeping, feeling unmotivated, my head hurts, my body aches and I can't seem to shake off a cold I've been suffering with for the past fortnight. The only thing that has kept me going recently is planning the big move - I'm 25 and living at home! I moved out when I was eighteen and moved back when I was 21, depressed and spiralling  downwards. I've been saving all my spare pounds and pennies to try and amass just enough to get my freedom back and move my life forward and planning how to spend that money has been my only source of excitement lately. Until this week happened, I was doing really well; the end was in sight!

In one day I experienced two enormous nightmare situations that bit a huge chunk out of my savings, completely out of the blue. Dentist bill + Bank Charges = Hell! I almost cracked. I wanted to scream, cry, drink, smoke, throw things, rip out my hair, punch the walls and lose all control in reaction to this unexpected, and horrifying, setback. I stomped around the house for almost an hour, holding back tears and thinking about vodka and cigarettes, trying to convince myself that losing it just once wouldn't be the worst thing. Everyone breaks down sometimes - right? I came so close to ruining all my hard work and making everything worse.  All these emotions were building up in my head until I thought I might explode if I didn't find a way to release my frustration.

Do you want to know what broke it all? The thing that made me laugh and snapped me out of my murderous rage? I watched an old episode of 8 Simple Rules on YouTube - and I laughed, and that small emotional expression relieved so much tension I smiled even wider at my own silliness. I put all my energy into cleaning and then arranging my finances to accommodate my new debts, after which a sense of calm settled over me.

I suppose the message here is not to let small setbacks create even bigger ones. I could have let myself fall back into old habits, I could have gotten drunk and cried hysterically about how unfair life is - but I didn't. I stewed for an hour and my mind found a new way to feel better before solving the problem. Simple.

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - Joyce Meyer

Rediscover Your True Self

When we're born we are a blank canvas and everyone who meets us is waiting to see the type of person we will grow up to be. We're told we can be anything and encouraged to try everything, from food to sport to find out what it is we might be good at and, eventually, what we will do with our lives. It's a world of possibilities, encouragement and praise. But it doesn't last.

All children grow and discover, learning what they like and don't like, full of hopes for the future. All children change their ideal job multiple times; I wanted to be a vet, a dancer, a gymnast, an archaeologist, an artist and a writer - to name a few. It was a magical time where no dream was too big. Then I became a teenager, and like most people, reality started to overshadow my way of thought. I saw the world as a place I had to fit into, there were new rules and unexpected criticism. All of a sudden, parents, teachers and even friends, all had an opinion about my dreams and my choices; judgement came from every angle and I stopped talking about my hopes for the future. I stopped thinking about the future because surviving the present monopolised my time and energy.

As you get older, life becomes less about what you enjoy and more about what is expected of you. Career choices become about finance and security; food choices become about health and appearance; hobbies/interests have to accepted by your peers or you'll be labelled. As if being a teenager wasn't bad enough! You're now being told all of the foods you like are bad for you, they'll make you fat or give you spots. All the hobbies you enjoy are deemed embarrassing or a waste of time. You're even judged on the people you choose to be friends with, the music you enjoy and the clothes you wear.

At this point, all the years you spent discovering your identity seem pointless. A lot of people abandon their earlier pleasures and recondition themselves to like what's good for them because being different often invites ridicule and sometimes, loneliness. During this time of my life I was also experiencing mild depression and severe anxiety; I gave in and decided I wanted to be a chef. I made that decision purely because I thought it was easy to learn, reasonably well paid, and I was already working in a cafe when I wasn't in school. I stuck with the food industry for almost eight years before I admitted how miserable I was; cooking is an admirable skill and passion, but it wasn't mine.

Over the last two months I have really worked on myself, I put my health first for a change and have experienced unimaginable changes within myself. I have rediscovered my love of painting (I'm not the best but I enjoy it), I'm making time to read - when I was younger, before I turned fourteen, I would read several books a week and as I got older I gradually stopped and I don't know why. Most importantly, I have put faith in a dream and have dedicated myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and Creative Writing to increase my chances of achieving my writing goals. (I have also stopped dieting for the fist time in ten years.)

As an adult, I can honestly say I hate how much I changed myself to fit in; I was constantly seeking the approval/acceptance of others and never brave enough to accept myself. I wish I had never stopped dreaming, I wish we didn't have to be judged on what we do instead of who we are. If anyone else is feeling lost or unhappy I recommend thinking back to being a kid and remembering who you once were - then get to know that person again. We shouldn't lose anything when we grow - we should only gain. So do something that makes you happy and don't conform to anyone else's ideals.

The Time You Enjoy Wasting, Is Not Wasted Time 

- Bertrard Russel

Taking Risks

I haven't been in school for almost ten years now and I can honestly say I hated it. My anxiety was peaking, I was socially awkward and terrified of being judged - which is common for a lot of people at that age but then they go to college and 'find' themselves and tend to be more confident and comfortable. I went to college for two months before I gave up and went into full time work. I found the classroom environment so uncomfortable, I had trouble concentrating because I was always tired and stressed, plus I was becoming severely depressed; I had no motivation, no aspirations and I was drinking far too much. Silly me.

Over time I sorted myself out and started trying to do more and think of ways to make my life better but I always struggled with the thought of returning to school because of my experiences even though I wanted to further my learning - my anxiety held me back. Years passed (I'm now 25) and fell into the thought process of believing I was too old to learn anything, I wouldn't be smart enough etc. I basically lost all confidence in myself.

Anyway, in March this year, I agreed to study for a small IT qualification to hopefully increase my chances of finding a job and build my confidence. I didn't sleep the night before my induction and I felt so confined surrounded by all these strangers while I was taking basic tests to determine my skill level but I survived and arranged to do the majority of my study at home plus one day a week in an actual class. At first I hated it. I was always nervous when anyone tried to talk to me and I panicked when it came to learning anything new. I studied with The Hope Foundation in Middlesbrough and I can honestly say the entire organisation is brilliant! The tutors and the volunteers were friendly and so amazing and I got high scores on all my assessments - it was a huge boost for me, not only to achieve something but to have people congratulating me and reminding me it is ok to feel proud. Pride is an emotion I usually reject, instead of feeling good when people say 'well done' I just feel tense and hope they change the subject. I find it hard to see the good in myself.

The last day of my IT course I sat down with my tutor who asked me about my plans for the future. She knew exactly how I was feeling and had obviously been paying close attention to me during the few months I had known her and she asked me to consider university. Of course I had considered it but my fears and insecurities had held me back. My tutor spent a lot of time telling me not to waste my potential and not to restrict myself. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced during this conversation - I have made so many mistakes that it often feels like most people have given up on me, so having someone sit in front of me and tell me they believe in me was overwhelming.

Long story short: I'm getting a degree!

It's a huge step forward for me and something I never thought would happen, Of course, my current state is still rather up-and-down so I am looking into online learning, specifically with the Open University, to avoid stressing myself out and giving up. I don't want to give up. I owe a lot to my tutor Rebecca and The Hope Foundation for helping me and I can't thank them enough for that.

 It doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never too late to change the future.

Here's to the next step....

Don't underestimate the power of your words. Be kind, smile, and you could change someones life; no matter how small the message, it could mean the world to someone who needs to hear it x

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

Anxiety OR Fear

It's June! Almost halfway through the year already - yikes.
So, recently I took a trip to the fair with my sister and her family, where the two of us rode on several rides - including a roller-coaster - so not just little rides. As a child I always loved big rides and rarely shied away from any sort of exciting activity; I went on a school trip when I was eleven that involved climbing a large tree (possibly 20-30ft) and jumping for a trapeze bar while harnessed (I missed by miles). Reliving all of these memories, as my sister and I screamed and laughed hysterically while we were spun and thrown into the air, got me thinking about the differences between fear and anxiety.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking my sister and I are daredevils - we are not - neither of us is brave enough to handle the more extreme rides and, like most people, we spent the minutes before each ride (the ones were you are strapped in and there's officially no backing out) laughing nervously and, in my case, questioning my own sanity. However, I noticed distinct differences between those pre-ride butterflies and my regular anxiety, and between fear and anxiety in general.

Fear Is An Emotional Response To Real Danger

Anxiety Is A Psychological Disorder Triggered By Imagined Danger

For a long time I believed I couldn't have anxiety because there are few things I genuinely fear, until I realised my biggest fear was/is anxiety itself and began treating the two as separate conditions. Anyone who has ever experienced an anxiety attack will know the fear that sets in when you first start to feel the effects, but, unfortunately, fear and anxiety have the same symptoms, and so panicking about panicking will only make it worse - it's a vicious cycle. I have also noticed that excitement also invokes the same symptoms on occasion.

My Definitions:

Fear is the bodies reaction to stress/danger; hormones are released to allow the body to effectively react; it forces us to act. Having a phobia can often encourage a person to overcome their fear because they can identify the root cause. Once the danger has passed, the effects of fear usually go away.

Anxiety is triggered by the mind either recreating or fabricating a stressful/dangerous situation, and so the body reacts by releasing the same stress hormones as fear. However, as their is no danger, the body keeps releasing these hormones because it can't determine when it is safe.

To apply these definitions to my trip to the fair; I was afraid before riding a roller-coaster because it's fast, high up and sometimes rides malfunction - pessimistic thinking. This was natural. However, my anxiety over being in such a large crowd of people and flinching whenever anyone brushed against me, was my mind imagining all the bad things that COULD happen; my subconscious may have been remembering a time in my past where being surrounded by people ended badly.

This is where we were -

and this isn't even half of the queue to get in!

I can honestly say that learning and researching anxiety has helped me understand and come to terms with my condition more than I ever imagined. I encourage anyone who is suffering from any condition/disorder to learn as much as you can - it really reduces the fear.

Be smart, Be strong and Bravery will come x

My Resources

www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-fear-and-anxiety

www.innerhealthstudio.com/fear-and-anxiety.html

normalintraining.com/2015/04/13/anxiety-vs-fear