Missing: My Brain...

 

I'm so Tired!

Sunday

Like last Sunday, this was a total YouTube-Day. I was still exhausted and determined to relax and get a good night's sleep; the hope was that I would be refreshed and raring to go for the week ahead. Did it happen? No! *Sob*

 

Monday

After a night of terrible sleep, that would precede a week of terrible sleep, Monday started early with a 9.00am appointment with the Vet', who happily told me my bad-tempered bunny is 'perfect'; perfectly healthy and perfectly capable of destroying my house whenever my back is turned. After taking Peter back home, where he hid from me in disgust, I had to rush back out to meet with my new Work-Coach. Not sure what a work-coach does yet as they left me waiting for over an hour only to tell me I had to go back and finish my induction another day! I'm happy to accept help if it's relevant but I don't like being treated like a fool.

 

Tuesday

I made pizza again - yum - and fries (such an unhealthy vegan) but my Mum, Sister and Nephew showed up to invite me to go birthday-cake-shopping. I scrambled around to get ready and Jesse decided to eat my fries! Then he developed an unusual bond with a Tesco trolley that only he could push, until he started running wild and the safety of elderly shoppers was threatened - what followed was the Mother of All Tantrums! (My nephew is 2 - 3 next week - but he's already h-u-u-u-g-e!)



The only words Jesse shrieks during this brief portion of his meltdown are "put me down" and "trolley". Thankfully his tantrum did tire him out a little so we could get him to bed early and I could sneak away to go home without incurring a second fit of rage. Again, love him to bits, and I did find the entire tantrum hysterical but, had he been my child, I probably wouldn't have seen the funny side.

 

Wednesday

Late! Late! Late! I made a point of sneaking home so I would be well-rested and ready to get up early (again) for a meeting my work-coach set up but it - just - didn't - happen! I missed my bus and get to get a different one, the first would have taken me straight to the meeting, the second required a change of bus down the line. I made it halfway on my journey and panicked, called ahead to warn them I would be late, only to be told that the meeting started at 10.00 - that's 10.00 and no later. So I apologised and went back home. ARGH! I was so frustrated; I shouldn't have missed the first bus, I should have left early enough to have a back-up plan - my brain was just not with it. The whole mess was 50% my fault, 50% bad luck and it 100% put me in a foul mood. I spent the rest of the day watching the Cheap Lazy Vegan on YouTube and using her recipes to make an enormous pile of food that I hoped would make me so full I would pass out. It kind of worked, I was very full and I was in bed by 6.30pm! That's ridiculously early to go to bed for me but the next day brought my work-trial with Westbrooke and I was adamant it would go better than this day's failure. 

 

Thursday

Late Again! Not only late, but an hour late after getting on the wrong bus and travelling to who-knows-where before getting scared enough to de-bus, go back where I started and pay more attention! Once again the brain was vacant! I knew how to get there, I had already been there for an interview - why did I have to try and make the journey 'easier' by getting on a bus I had never been on before to a place I barely know? Am I stupid? I actually considered going home and forgetting about the whole thing, once upon a time I would have, (when anxiety had control) the embarrassment of showing up an hour late would have been unthinkable. But I did it, I got there, I apologised, then I tried to prove I was worth hiring. It might have been convincing if I wasn't functioning with sloth-like speed. I think I did ok, I got the work done and I knew what I was doing - I really enjoyed it - I just know I could have been better if I could have engaged my brain! I hate my brain and I hate being tired!

 

Friday

After another very early night, I gave up on sleep at 5.00am and was having a bath by 6.00am - what!? I had to go outside again - fifth day in a row! It was my fortnightly trip to the old job-centre to sign for the pennies I need to live (that's not a dig, I am genuinely grateful to have JSA to keep me going). Then I came home and practically melted into a puddle of relief, I put on my PJ's and settled in front of the TV for a weekend of staying indoors (where I belong). I spent my Friday night drinking tea and sketching a rough outline of each 'panel' for the first issue of Folk-Lore, which really eased my tension.

 

Saturday

I slept! I slept! It took me two weeks but I finally slept *weeps with joy* and I felt so happy that I didn't have to put on any make up on or rush off to anywhere. I started season 2 of Maken-Ki (Maken-Ki:Two I believe it is called) and started scanning character designs to edit, which is still new to me and I don't have a graphics tablet yet so I had to use the mouse; after a few hours I had 'claw-hand'. That led me to the main activity of the day and the first mention of... The Giant Egg *groan* that I still have not finished with less than a week to go!! I'm fairly certain that my life will be completely dominated by the paper-mache-monster every day next week, so please don't expect an exciting post next Saturday. I may just post a giant photograph of the finished product with the title: NEVER AGAIN!

 

Yeah so, it's been a busy week with very little sleep, a lot of cock-ups, crying nephews (and aunts) plus a lot of progress vis-à-vis Folk-Lore. I considered showing some of my artwork but as I am still in the development stage (I keep changing things!) I didn't want to commit to anything just yet. Hope you all had a less stressful week, or that my week makes you feel better about it, and I sincerely hope that your upcoming week contains no glue, paint or eggs of any kind - NAHB x

 

"If you are going through Hell, keep going - Winston Churchill"  





 

What Happened This Week?

(I can't believe it - 2 consecutive posts!?)

Sunday

Sunday = Potato Day! Actually it's food-preparation-day; before the start of a new week I like to make sure I have a decent amount of food ready to cook during the week. Potatoes, though delicious and nutritious, are a nightmare to prepare if I'm feeling lazy - all the washing and the chopping etc. (I sound so lazy.) Rice and pasta are easy - whack in some water and let them do their thing but spuds need a little forethought...

This chop and steam method came from watching Freelee the Banana Girl on Youtube, I usually cook a batch straight away and plunge the rest in ice water to cool, put them into freezer bags, shake in some seasoning and freeze them for later. The rest of the day was pretty relaxed.                                                               Monday                                                                                                       Officially the start of the week and I did nothing! I actually started to feel really ill, of course I blamed my depression, which I always do - I never stop to think that I might be sick, I just automatically assume I'm having a 'down-day' (which probably triggers a down-day) and get annoyed with myself.

 

Tuesday

I figured out my throbbing headache and general ickyness was down to a sinus infection, something I get regularly but always forget about, my Mama suffers with sinusitis even more than I do and luckily for me, gets a steroid nasal spray on repeat prescription that I have been able to use. I gave up on painkillers a while ago but had to resort to taking them for my agony *sad face*.

 

Wednesday

(Still ill.) I spent all day researching and preparing for my interview the following day, I had 2 interviews this week; I have a process for job interviews that involves learning a few facts about the employer, practising answers to questions and jotting down a few of my own. I did everything possible to make myself feel better so I would be more alert; homemade saline solution, herbal tea and heat packs on my face. Unfortunately I didn't feel any dramatic results and I was extra grumpy because I haven't been sleeping all week (argh) - I HATE NOT SLEEPING! I'm basically like a baby, if I am hungry or tired, I am just unbearable to be around and so miserable, you'd  think the world was ending I feel so hopeless. Lack of sleep also intensifies my anxiety and puts my nerves on edge - not good.

 

Thursday

My first job interview in weeks and I got no sleep, woke up bloated as hell - I looked fat and gross - and I really wasn't feeling good about my chances. Thankfully, I gave myself enough time to try on a million outfits because the one I picked out the night before looked awful with my enormous stomach (thank you mother nature) and I eventually found a dress that disguised the majority of my tum. After breakfast and a cup of coffee I was feeling ready to face the world and am happy to report I wowed at my interview (I think); I can usually tell when an interview goes badly. I spent the rest of the day painting and gluing - I have less than 3 weeks to complete a giant egg I started almost 2 months ago (eek) but I'm really excited to see it finished and to watch Jesse crack it open on his birthday.

 

Friday

My second interview was very strange, halfway through I was put on the spot to prove my sales skills by 'selling' a pen. A pen! I had to create selling points for a ballpoint pen and try to convince my potential employer to buy it from me *cringe* and I babbled my way through it nervously, wondering what I was supposed to be saying and suspecting I had failed. I hate being put on the spot! Thankfully, Friday night brought some light relief in the shape of my crazy nephew - that's 2 weeks in a row of babysitting; my sister's social life is much more lively than my own. Jesse is currently obsessed with song/dance videos on Youtube like The Hokey Cokey/Pokey, One Little Finger and If Your Happy. I know all the words and all the moves!

 

Saturday

It's today! I'm still shocked, but very pleased, I remembered to write this post. Hopefully this means I am back to regular posts and back in to blogging (woop). This morning involved the usual Jesse tantrums, he also gets grumpy after very little sleep,

What happens when you attach a food bag clip to a toddler's trousers and he cannot figure out how to remove it :)

but me being the cow I am, I had to torment him further - which kind of distracted him but also further pissed him off. My sister and her fiancé came for Jesse after going to the gym and I was forced to look at my sister's incredibly toned body and think longingly back to when I was into my fitness and a lot leaner. Of course I was starving myself, exercising to excess and not taking care of my mental health. In many ways I am healthier now but I used to have a lot of pride in my appearance, which I can't say now. As a new vegan I am aware there is a journey to take and my body has to heal before I will see any improvements, patience has never been my strong suit but it is what I need! Give me patience!

 

Until next week, I am plodding along, still trying and looking forward to the future - and I hope you are too - NAHB x

 

My sister's fitness page (if you're interested): https://www.facebook.com/Loisdyefitness/

 

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - unkown

 

 

 





Chocolate, Pixlr and Pheobe Buffay Wisdom

This Easter Bunny doesn't want to  share...
 

What Happened This Week?

Sunday

Easter 2016 was probably the first Easter in about ten years that I actually enjoyed - I know I'm not a child and Easter loses its appeal to most people as they get older but for me, who hated all food, the idea of stuffing my face with chocolate was sickening. I can't even remember the last year I ate a chocolate egg but this year changed it all. With my new attitude to life and all of the delicious vegan options on the shelves this year I enjoyed this...

 



 This year I also helped arrange an egg hunt for my nephew and some of his friends (thankfully the rain held off until we had finished), plus a 'private' egg hunt for my nephew that involved hiding mini Thomas the Tank Engine toys inside plastic eggs; he definitely preferred the second hunt. By putting more effort into the Easter celebrations I had a lot more fun and I will be planning similar activities for 2017.

 

Monday

I had to check my diary for this one, I suppose Monday was a bit deflating after the excitement of Sunday. It doesn't appear to be a very happy day - with nothing to distract me I spent the day worrying about whether I would be able to afford enough food this month and wishing I could find a job. I hate unemployment; it's boring, frustrating and is no good for my self-esteem.

 

Tuesday

I remember Tuesday and not for anything good. I started the day feeling great, I had been offered the chance to work online posting ads on eBay, a job that was suspicious at first glance but I never imagined I would spend hours helping someone only to be blocked from eBay - FOR LIFE! I was so angry with myself for getting my hopes up and being so naïve that I fumed all afternoon, holding everything in until bed-time rolled around; I spent 40 minutes crying hysterically and writing in my diary about how stupid, useless, ugly - you name it, I was it. I calmed down of course, but only after listening to Butcher Babies through my headphones at full volume and taking my anger out on my sketch book. It frustrates me how easily I can be influenced by other people, situations that should only irritate me turn me into a crazy mess - I'm just glad I live alone and no one had to see me like that.

 

Wednesday

Luckily I had enough money to go food shopping, which got me out of the house - I try to get outside as much as possible but it's not always easy with the British weather to contend with. I am definitely more of an indoor person, however, I know that locking myself away from the world will only make me unhappy so I make the most of any opportunity to go out. After all the doom and gloom of Tuesday, Wednesday brought back my resolve and, thanks to my satiated hunger, I had the energy to focus. Firstly, I took some advice from the one and only Phoebe Buffay and wrote a list of things I want to achieve before I turn 27 (nothing involving a hippity-hop though) and I plan on setting myself smaller goals for each year of my life to come. I also began planning my route into the animation world, I love to write and getting published is still a huge ambition of mine, but it's my love of anime that led me to change my career-path slightly. I am a huge anime and manga fan, I recently re-watched every episode of Dragonball and am currently re-watching every episode Bleach. I enjoy American animation also, however, I love the developed storylines and amazing detail that Japanese animation has, as a child I dreamt of working in animation every time I watched Sailor Moon or Digimon but like most people I abandoned that passion for practicality. We should never forget our passions or give up on our dreams, this is why I dug out all of my art supplies and started drawing again, I've also applied to study media part time at my local college. I also discovered Pixlr, a web-based photo editor with some great artistic options that can transform simple sketches.

 

Before and After



Thursday

Sleepover Day! My 2 year-old nephew Jesse came to stay with my Mam and I (we always make a bed on my Mam's living room floor), so I spent most of the day, and night, running around like a lunatic and getting dived on; I love my nephew but oh-my-goodness children are exhausting!

 

Friday

After Jesse was picked up by my sister, I went home and cracked open a bottle of vodka - nuff said.

 

Saturday

Which brings me to today (well done if you made it this far)! I've been trying to get back into blogging more regularly and pondering different ideas, this weekly update on my life seemed like the best but I wasn't sure about the length; it's like a condensed version of my diary. The goal is to post every Saturday, keeping you up to date on my comings and goings, my meltdowns and my victory's, as well as posting to my second blog The Words That Fall, which is simply a poetry blog at the moment but is soon to contain my own original 'graphic novel' (50/50 words to graphics).

My only plans left for today are to watch The Vampire Diaries and continue building a paper mache egg for Jesse's birthday at the end of the month (I'm going to hide presents in it).

 

And that's my rundown of the week; 7 days of my weird, yet typically ordinary life. Amazing how much can happen in one week!

 

As if you could kill time, without injuring eternity - Henry David Thoreau





Dusting Myself Off:2016 Update

This time last year I was coming to the end of an incredible high, a short period in my life where mania took hold and convinced me I was finally happy. I was running on caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and blind hope; not a healthy combination. April 2015 marked the start of a journey I had attempted several times before, except this time, I didn't give up.

What I'm Taking
In the beginning I was researching a lot of supplements in the hope that I wouldn't have to rely on prescription medication for too long; I've never liked the idea of taking pills, probably because I never like to think of myself as being 'sick'. Acceptance of my anxiety and depression as an actual illness was a big step, I stopped taking supplements and decided to give the Sertraline a chance. I take 100mg daily, 50 in the morning and 50 at night, as well as a sublingual b12 supplement from Holland & Barrett (because I'm vegan, not for any medicinal purposes). I also stopped taking the contraceptive pill recently, after a decade of pumping fake hormones into my body I began to question what kind of negative effects those hormones could be having on my mind, after all, mood swings and PMS go hand in hand.

How I'm Living
As of January 12th 2016 I have been a fully-fledged vegan, eating primarily fruit and lot of rice, pasta and potatoes, really simplifying my diet to take the stress out of eating. It's working, slowly but surely, I am eating more regularly, as well as bigger portions, it still feels a little strange to be aiming for over 2,000 calories a day after a life-time of avoiding them but I am starting to enjoy food again, which is nice. I'm only working out every other day and it's usually just gentle cycling, I have tried to daily exercise but I need the day in between to rest; my body and mind are still healing.

What's Changed
The biggest change from last year is that I no longer live with my Mum, I have my own home, my own space and I'm not constantly surrounded by bad memories. I don't smoke anymore, I do have an e-cigarette for now, I very rarely drink alcohol or caffeine these days and I'm finally sleeping! I get between 8 and 10 hours a night  of actual sleep - no twitching or getting up, no rolling around or waking every couple of hours; I can sleep like a normal person!

So, What's Next??

 

I've finally found myself in a place in my life where I'm ready to move forward, I'm not consumed by the need to 'fix' myself, nor do I consider my anxiety/depression as a handicap that will hold me back. I'm planning to work on a new blog (and update this one more regularly) where I plan on writing, and possibly illustrating a novel/comic/graphic novel, and posting weekly issues, which I am very excited about. I'm looking into courses on graphics and animation, possibly a degree in creative writing, who knows? I can do anything.

 

 

When I started blogging I honestly had no idea what I was trying to achieve, I never imagined it would become so therapeutic or that I would be able to open up about myself in such a public forum. I would like to say thank you to anyone reading this, or any of my posts for that matter, there's nothing like the feeling that comes with knowing that someone out there believes my words are worth reading. 

 



Bored of Myself

So, it's been a while since I've posted...

I am experiencing similar feelings towards you (readers I have never met) to friends and family who have had to 'put up with' my anxiety, depression and general strange-ness for years. I feel like talking about my journey through life is a dizzying, two steps forward and five steps back story. This is not an enjoyable way to live so I can't imagine it is any more fun to read. I started this blog to force myself to stop hiding from my 'issues' and to connect with all of you out there who might be dealing with similar problems; I wanted to show you that you weren't alone.

As much as I know that it is a comfort to know you're not the only one feeling down, I had to stop and think about whether I was actually helping anyone by writing about my 'terrible' life and all the struggles I face. then writing about how 'happy I was, when I was really just going through a manic phase. I realised I can't really offer any advice because everyone is different, everyone deals with depression or anxiety etc. differently, plus everyone suffers different symptoms in varying degrees. Myself, I don't suffer with regular anxiety attacks after years of practising breathing exercises, however, when I am suffering with anxiety, I shake/tremble uncontrollably and feel like I'm going to throw up. As hard as I try I can't seem to really control these problems, although I sometimes think I can.

When I started this blog I thought we would be walking the road to my recovery, together, which could still happen - eventually. I just want to say that I won't be offering any advice or going into great detail about what I am attempting to 'fix' myself because I don't want to appear as though I am offering some sort of miracle cure. Honestly, 99% of everything I have tried after researching online, has not provided any noticeable or lasting effects, which is why I don't feel right recommending them.

I know this post has been quite long-winded, so to summarise:
I am planning on posting regularly again, I will still be honest about how I'm feeling but, hopefully, I will be more focussed on making my life better in general, rather than focussing solely on the 'bad' and how I'm trying to fix it, I want to talk more about what works (and what doesn't) to just be happy, regardless.

So, look forward to a more optimistic, healthy and positive me (I hope)....

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not -

 Denis Waitley

Getting Back To Reality

I'm back and ... it's my birthday! 26 Years Old - Wow. I know it's not a recognised milestone, however, it is the first birthday I have ever had where I feel like I have some control over my future.

It hasn't been an easy few months. Living alone brought more stress than I expected, I have been very ill for almost two months with various viruses and several teeth infections that only added to my sour mood. My medication was increased to allow me to deal with my increased depression, but I have recently returned to my original dose of 50mg of Sertraline and 40mg of Propranolol daily (plus an occasional extra dose of Propranolol in case of an anxiety attack).

Moving brought problems for me that I thought I was in control of, problems involving food mostly. I should have seen it coming but I had been dealing with my eating disorder so well, eating regularly and healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of myself. Then I became responsible for running a home, paying the bills and food took a back seat; it became about what I could afford and not what I needed/what was best for me. My budget was very tight for the first few months and I am only just gaining balance with my finances and starting to relax a little. My house feels more like a home now.

I'm erratic right now, up and down, never sure what the next day will bring and hating it. My medication keeps me grounded, mania occurs less often and less intensively than before, my depression isn't as all-consuming as it once was, yet I am still struggling to feel happy. It's frustrating to know that all of these amazing changes are happening in my life and I can't truly feel the joy I know I should feel.

I keep asking myself: WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I do need a plan. Be it food or exercise, developing my social life, finding a job or getting back into my writing, something needs to happen. I've lost myself a little in the process of moving away from home and leaving my family issues behind me. Actually being able to live without the negativity and painful memories of my past has left an emptiness inside of me; I was so deeply-filled with darkness for so long that the loss of those burdens has left a hole I don't know how to fill. I'm lost.

 

 

Well, it's been a long time and I'm glad to be back because this blog is the only place in my world where I am truly honest and open about how I'm feeling; I've missed that.

 

To live is to hope; to give up is to die. 

Crying Like A Little Girl

This week has been another rough one but I've been trying to channel my negative energy and swap my bad habits for healthier ones. All of a sudden I'm doubting everything, including the sertraline, which worked brilliantly for the first month and then it all went downhill. I'm back to 100% vegan and it's going much more successfully than the first attempt; I reasoned that, seeing as I was barely eating anyway, that cutting out dairy and eggs wouldn't be difficult.

I've been challenging myself lately, forcing myself to be more adventurous and say 'yes' more. Whenever I have one of those days where I just want to curl up and hide indoors all day I make myself move; I get up, put on my face and go outside. Allowing myself to wallow is not an option. It hasn't been easy but I have had a few good times as a result of my forced enthusiasm, most of them exhaust me. (It's a small improvement.)

I've been trying to shake things up recently, going vegan, changing up my exercise, colouring my hair and re-decorating, in an attempt to liven myself up and get happy again. My biggest problem is the return of my anger and agitation - it occurs at random and the only way I have to deal with it is exercise. I jump on the bike and cycle until I am too tired to feel wound up. It's an unbearable pressure and the exercise is only a temporary fix. Even sleep has turned on me - when I am managing to sleep I am having horrific nightmares! We are talking blood, dead frogs and being run over by trucks - not relaxing at all.

Today I tried to relax in a bath of Epsom salts and lavender oil and it was great, until I got out and curled up on the bathroom floor to sob for no apparent reason. Suddenly, everything was too much, everything I was trying to do became a hopeless waste of time that would eventually become more stress I wouldn't be able to handle. I am actually considering cancelling my university application - the degree I was so excited about getting is now terrifying me; will it be beneficial? Will I eventually quit anyway? Will I be able to work and study? How did something that made me so happy become such a stressful endeavour?

I wish I had something more positive to say, I really, really wish I did. I want to be able to tell the world that it gets better, that all mental and emotional difficulties can be overcome and everyday is a little bit easier but it's a rocky road with no clear destination in sight. Will I get a degree? Will I be a fully functional human being someday? Will I be able to eat and sleep like a normal person?

Only time will tell...

Not-A-Happy-Bunny x

An Interview & A Meltdown

I had a job interview this afternoon, my first in two years and my first ever on medication/suffering a bad bout of depression. Usually the idea of being judged and questioned terrifies me but today was bearable. There was a distinct ominous feeling on the journey there, plus a bad case of the sweats, however, the meeting was brief, relaxed and I only said 'sort of' twice. Relief! Whether I got the job is still unsure but I walked away with  an immense sense of pride knowing I did my best and I DID NOT SHAKE! Nerves, excitement, fear - any and very emotion manifests into shaking with me and each day I get through without the shakes is a victory for me. There is no symptom of anxiety I hate worse than the uncontrollable tremors that have made me self-conscious for almost a decade.

Today's victory meant so much more after my recent weeks of doom and gloom. I can't stop putting pressure on myself - everything has to better and it has to be better right now, or it's simply not good enough. I make big plans, have grand expectations and even greater disappointments. I try to relax, I really do, but there's no pill in the world capable of slowing down my brain. It's my constant thinking and planning that keeps me up at night, then I wake up and it starts all over again; I don't get peace in the mornings, not even five minutes before my head starts hurting. I've always wanted to be one of those happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-moment people but I've always been a 'stresser'.

I've been really down on myself lately and the way I am - who I am. I don't know if I was born to be this way or if life made me like this, there's a lot about me I would change if I could but my biggest challenge will be accepting the things I can't and, hopefully, learning to enjoy them.

I'm So Confused

So, the hard times continue...

This last month has been painful! My mind and body are so mixed up, I just don't know what's going on. All the toxins are coming out of my skin after 11 weeks since giving up smoking and I have been acne-riddled for weeks now. My chin especially has been a mess; my sister asked me earlier this week if I had a rash. I went through creams and washes, masks and scrubs, all of them useless, so as of two days ago, I'm cutting down on the face products because I know I'm only making it worse. A lot of people have suggested I go to the doctor for help but they don't understand all of the changes my body is going through, or that this will only be temporary. Spots are irritating but they are not my biggest concern.

A niggling, but ever-present, concern right now is my appetite. In the beginning I craved donuts, cakes and cookies, then I settled into a simpler eating plan of cereal, sandwiches, pasta and other 'sort of healthy' but quite basic foods. Unfortunately, as time goes by, my appetite is getting smaller and smaller; I haven't dared weigh myself because I don't want my mind to get excited about the loss and then become disappointed again later. I know I don't eat enough some days and I've been counting calories and aiming for 2000 a day to help me heal. I need food right now, yet can't bring myself to eat it, and when I do, everything is tasteless.

My mind is just numb. Before I was always so wound up that weeks would fly by without my realising; mania, anger, depression and anxiety broke up my days, leaving all the in-betweens as a blur of nothing. Now, I am completely and totally aware of every second of every day. It's difficult to deal with, I cannot lie, to go from living inside my own head while the world moves around me to seeing and experiencing everything. Part of me does try to retreat from it, my imagination tries to overpower the reality, especially during the hard moments of the last month.

Sometime It All Gets Too Much

It has been a struggle not to let myself sink into depression, it has become a familiar state for me (isn't that just tragic). Sometimes my only goal is this weekly update, but lately, it has been hard to force myself to publish my personal downfalls. I do it to remind myself how far I have come.
No one said this would be easy. If anyone reading this is going through anything similar I just want you to know that you are not alone; remember that you are changing your life for the better. Be proud of yourself and realise that people who love you are proud of you too, even if they don't know how to say it.

THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE SCARIEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE CLIMBING UP AND NOT DOWN.

Creative Therapies

All I have is who I was
All I know is over because
I couldn't love when it was offered
I succumbed to fear and suffered
Now I seek a long-lost dawn
I pray my life to be reborn

During my darker moments of depression I had one release; poetry. I've always enjoyed writing and I find that any form of writing is therapeutic, yet poetry always came more naturally when I was feeling particularly low and helped to express a lot of the emotions I could never fully understand. I have always been interested in alternative therapies in lieu of medication (when possible) and soon developed several forms of creative outlets. I'm going to talk about some of the ways I stay positive and keep myself motivated.

Writing & Journal Therapy

Keeping a journal/diary is probably the easiest way to evaluate your day and track your progress. I've kept a diary for most of my life and have several books of pages filled with the ups-and-downs I experienced. Re-reading my earliest diaries can be quite shocking for me - when the depression subsides it can be east to forget how crippling it once was; I actually destroyed several of my diaries because they were full of self-hatred and offered nothing towards my recovery. On the whole, it is enjoyable to look back and realise how far I've come and it's important to deal with your feelings instead of bottling them up until they become too much to bear.

Ever since I started taking sertraline I have also been keeping a 'Feelings Journal' to deal with the main points of the day and how I felt/dealt with them. These are only short sentences that explain good and bad points during the day, mini bouts of mania and helps me track my sleep.

Writing fiction is my passion but also a great way to tackle personal themes that are important to me; I get to write about people with problems and figure out a way they can overcome them. It gives me the chance to transfer my past experiences and emotions onto a fictional person, which makes them easier to face.

Poetry

If your experiencing severe depression it can be difficult to write about your life in detail, which is why poetry is so helpful in releasing your feelings. It can be as long or short as you like; it doesn't have to rhyme - it doesn't even have to be good! It's a manifestation of your deepest, more complicated thoughts.

Art Therapy & Colouring

Like poetry, art/drawing is another creative outlet that take's little concentration, gives you something to do with your hands and occupies your mind. Again, it doesn't have to be good; I'm not the best artist and one of my favourite forms of art is painting to music. There's no structure involved in painting to music, you just pick a song or a playlist of music from the same genre and paint what you hear/feel.

Basic Painting

Painting with added detail

Above are two examples are my own attempts at painting to music - not great, not professional but they made me feel happy to make and I still enjoy looking at them now.

Colouring therapy is more meditative than drawing and perfect for those 'blah' moments when you feel like you're just sitting around wasting the day or just to need to unwind. There are colouring books for adults you can buy though I prefer to search for printable sheets on-line.

I know a lot of people deem being creative as a childhood pastime that is left behind when we become adults but there's no reason to give up on something you enjoy, no matter your age. Everyone needs an outlet, a way to let off steam and feel like you've accomplished something. It could be any of the few examples I have mentioned or any passion you prefer, as long as it is something you like to do! This is something personal and private to the individual - I don't show my art or poetry to anyone, and I would never share my diary and you don't have to share your emotional outlet/s with anyone either. Do something just for you x

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person your ever going to truly live with; is yourself - Nikki Rowe

Taking Risks

I haven't been in school for almost ten years now and I can honestly say I hated it. My anxiety was peaking, I was socially awkward and terrified of being judged - which is common for a lot of people at that age but then they go to college and 'find' themselves and tend to be more confident and comfortable. I went to college for two months before I gave up and went into full time work. I found the classroom environment so uncomfortable, I had trouble concentrating because I was always tired and stressed, plus I was becoming severely depressed; I had no motivation, no aspirations and I was drinking far too much. Silly me.

Over time I sorted myself out and started trying to do more and think of ways to make my life better but I always struggled with the thought of returning to school because of my experiences even though I wanted to further my learning - my anxiety held me back. Years passed (I'm now 25) and fell into the thought process of believing I was too old to learn anything, I wouldn't be smart enough etc. I basically lost all confidence in myself.

Anyway, in March this year, I agreed to study for a small IT qualification to hopefully increase my chances of finding a job and build my confidence. I didn't sleep the night before my induction and I felt so confined surrounded by all these strangers while I was taking basic tests to determine my skill level but I survived and arranged to do the majority of my study at home plus one day a week in an actual class. At first I hated it. I was always nervous when anyone tried to talk to me and I panicked when it came to learning anything new. I studied with The Hope Foundation in Middlesbrough and I can honestly say the entire organisation is brilliant! The tutors and the volunteers were friendly and so amazing and I got high scores on all my assessments - it was a huge boost for me, not only to achieve something but to have people congratulating me and reminding me it is ok to feel proud. Pride is an emotion I usually reject, instead of feeling good when people say 'well done' I just feel tense and hope they change the subject. I find it hard to see the good in myself.

The last day of my IT course I sat down with my tutor who asked me about my plans for the future. She knew exactly how I was feeling and had obviously been paying close attention to me during the few months I had known her and she asked me to consider university. Of course I had considered it but my fears and insecurities had held me back. My tutor spent a lot of time telling me not to waste my potential and not to restrict myself. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced during this conversation - I have made so many mistakes that it often feels like most people have given up on me, so having someone sit in front of me and tell me they believe in me was overwhelming.

Long story short: I'm getting a degree!

It's a huge step forward for me and something I never thought would happen, Of course, my current state is still rather up-and-down so I am looking into online learning, specifically with the Open University, to avoid stressing myself out and giving up. I don't want to give up. I owe a lot to my tutor Rebecca and The Hope Foundation for helping me and I can't thank them enough for that.

 It doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never too late to change the future.

Here's to the next step....

Don't underestimate the power of your words. Be kind, smile, and you could change someones life; no matter how small the message, it could mean the world to someone who needs to hear it x

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

New Habits and Learning to Function

It is the end of my second week on Sertraline and I am up to 50mg a day now, which didn't bring back any of the original side effects thankfully - the jaw clenching was very uncomfortable. I am living day to day at the moment, some mornings I wake up feeling cheerful and motivated while some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, usually because I have woken up several times during the night. The beauty of the Sertraline is that my mood swings are already less aggressive, I used to go from over-the-top-happy where I would talk non-stop and want to be outside, to complete soul-crushing despair that made me hide in my room. Now, I am more of a constant 'ok' with a few sad moments thrown in. On the face of it, this is an improvement, however, I can honestly say I do miss the crazy, happy times where I would be full of energy and enthusiasm because it would feel like I could do anything and it's a bit hard to feel optimistic right now.

Meh.

I am currently still alcohol free, which meant I missed out on night out recently (sad face), and I am trying to eat healthy and go to bed early - all things I never did before. I feel like I'm changing everything about myself in order to be better and finally enjoy life but I can't help wondering how much I have to change. I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be myself but, obviously, totally being myself wasn't working either. It's definitely a learning curve, it almost feels like I'm a teenager again trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going.

My biggest breakthrough actually came this morning when I sat down at my laptop and started writing again. Becoming an author has always been my one and only goal in life and I actually resigned before Christmas with the idea that all my free time would go into writing and I would finally finish something. Unfortunately, I was also very depressed at the time, and then went into a month-long manic phase where I wrote every day but then became depressed again and decided I didn't like what I had written. So I started again. Which was disheartening but life goes on and I will never be an author until I finish a book, so if that is the only good thing to come from any of this, I will be a happy bunny indeed.

I've read it can take months for Sertraline to really get to work and so far my only struggle has been dealing with my fluctuating appetite and a little fatigue; I'm looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life without anxiety or depression holding me back x

Sertraline/Zoloft: One Week Later

Wow, one week down already and it has been exhausting! Here is a quick update on my current 'state' and how I have been dealing/struggling with my new prescription and supplement 'plan'.

Firstly, a quick run-down of what I am doing and what I am taking:

Morning
Tyrosine 500mg
Taurine 500mg
Liquid B12 and Iron

The Taurine and Tyrosine I read are good for an early morning energy boost; the B12 is also good for energy levels but is also important because I do not eat meat and a B12 and Iron supplement is recommended for a no/low meat diet. These work! I have never been a morning person - ever - but since taking these supplements I have noticed it takes me far less time to 'wake up' and get moving, which makes me very happy because I have always wanted to be one of those cheerful people who bounce out of bed in the morning, ready for the day. I am far from being bouncy but I'm getting better.

After Breakfast
Slow Release Vitamin C - for immunity
Calcium and Vitamin D - I don't eat a lot of dairy.
Omega 3/Fish Oil - for brain function (I do eat fish occasionally so it's ok.)

Just a lot of vitamins because I struggle to eat some days and therefore can't guarantee I am getting the nutrients I need plus, I get ill a lot when I'm feeling low, which makes me feel worse.

6pm - Sertraline 25-50mg

I was originally taking the Sertraline in the mornings but about three hours after taking it, I noticed I was feeling extremely tired - ridiculously so! I was walking around outside and I was yawning every few minutes and so exhausted I was genuinely worried I would just fall down, unconscious.

Oddly, most people experience mania during this period and cannot take Sertraline in the evening but everyone is different and it's finding what works for you. I chose to take only half the prescribed dose for the first week because I am incredibly sensitive to medication and wanted to gradually build it up once I felt ready.

I like to jump on my exercise bike for thirty minutes before eating my dinner and have a hot bath before getting ready for bed to prepare my body and mind for sleep - because I can not naturally shut down at night (sad face).

8.30pm
Combination Amino Acids - because apparently it helps you sleep
A.Vogel 'Dormeasan Sleep' Valerian-Hops Oral Drops - 30 drops in 250ml water

Then at 9pm I get into bed, put on some meditation music and pray for sleep. I also pull down my blackout blind to keep away the pesky sunlight that is still streaming through my windows because, oh yeah, it's summer.

So, the supplements have been in place for ten days now, the Sertraline one week and this new routine only two days and I'm overjoyed to report I am feeling more positive already. I should probably point out I haven't smoked or had a drink in twelve days because it's a huge lifestyle change and a massive step forward for me. I can honestly say my sleeping routines are still a bit all over the place - that's not something that will change so quickly - however, I am already noticing myself feeling happy at certain points during the day and allowing myself to smile then feeling confused as to why I was happy as it's not common for me to experience random happiness.

In conclusion, life isn't easy right now but I do finally feel like I have regained a little bit of control and am becoming happier and less anxious as the days go by. I am incredibly happy I decided to do the research into supplements and stick with them, even after my doctor told me they were useless, and excited for what could be a calmer, fun-filled future.

Never give up; nothing is hopeless unless you stop trying x

(Wow this post is longer than I expected it to be.)

Do Vitamins/Supplements Help Anxiety and Depression?

So, after a terrible month of unbearable mood swings, hiding in my bedroom and occasionally drinking until I black out - to ensure a 'good' night's sleep - I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor. Now, I hadn't been to see a professional about my problems in three years; I was scared, embarrassed and unwilling to accept there was a problem in my life I couldn't fix myself - I was a fool.

So on Tuesday morning I called my doctor and was told the earliest appointment was today (Friday), which I made, however, my brain immediately kicked into gear and started saying:

"I can do something to help myself, there must be something; that way I can go to the doctor and say - look I already did it, I don't need anything!"

So, I got straight on the internet and searched for 'natural remedies for depression' and the first couple of articles all raved on about the benefits of DHA (DOCOSAHEXAENOIC ACID) which is an Omega-3 fatty acid. DHA is essential for normal brain function and it is said that people suffering with anxiety are lacking in DHA. I also discovered the use of branch amino acids to counteract mania and encourage healthy sleep cycles. The two main source of this information where a manic depression forum called CureZone and an article called Balancing Brain Chemistry by Peter Smith. Both convinced me to go rushing to my nearest health shop and spend a considerable amount of money on DHA/Omega-3, Tysine, Taurine and a number of other supplements and vitamins in the hope that I would feel even a small improvement.

So back to the question: Do any of these supplements help with depression?

My doctor says: No.

As much as I trust my doctor's professional opinion I can't deny noticing some differences. My mood and general anxiety levels were unaffected, however, I did gradually notice I was sleeping much better compared to the previous weeks. The first night I was awake until 3am and woke at 8am, the second I fell asleep not long after 1am and woke (very sluggishly) at 11am and by the third (last night) I was asleep shortly after midnight and woke up at 9am - very normal.

I don't believe that any supplement will compare to professional treatment when you are in the grips of any mental health struggle but I have experienced certain benefits that have left me confused by my doctor's very blunt reply.

Anyway, I will be continuing with my newly acquired supplements as well as embarking on a new course of Sertraline (Zoloft) and having to contact a therapist to discuss my ever-growing fear of going outside and talking to ANYONE. I'm willing to try anything and I believe it is the best approach, I enjoy researching natural remedies and trying to help myself because I do not enjoy relying on other people - trust issues; a possible topic of discussion for my therapist.

All in all, after an unhappy week, I am experiencing a great sense of relief and, for tonight, I am a Happy Little Bunny x

P.s. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's scary but it's worth it.

Bad Habits and Lifelong Dreams

So, I have been struggling recently with my mood and I have been relying on some old habits to get me through; habits I would much rather be done with at this point on my life. As a teenager I started smoking and drinking far too young in an attempt to make myself happier and feel more confident but I eventually learnt that over-indulging in those types of behaviour where only making me worse.

Nowadays, I have a certain level of control over my bad habits, however, when I am experiencing a prolonged period of sadness or general frustration with myself I do tend to drink a bit more often and smoke a lot more. I would like to eventually quit smoking but my life and stress levels right now make it difficult for me to stop, plus it remains to be a guilty pleasure I feel reluctant to let go.

Last week was very hectic, lots of things to do and places to go, which was fun at the time, but as I spend so much time indoors, I tend to feel ridiculously drained after being so busy and I have been quite ill since Friday. I have been tired and have had horrible headaches, plus my sleeping is still rubbish, which has made my shaking more noticeable and made me very uncomfortable in all social situations.

I know anxiety is a very common condition throughout the world but I am yet to meet, or speak with, another person who trembles like I do; I am still relying on medication to stop my shaking and allow me to function. It's become quite embarrassing for me and I often wonder what people will think if they see me shaking; if I have to hand someone something or hold something in front of people I become very panicked. I wish I had the nerve to just say "I have an anxiety disorder, and that is why I shake" but I don't. Sigh.



The most disappointing side effect of such a low mood is that I never get anything done! All my life I have only ever had one dream: to be a writer. At the end of last year I quit my job, partially due to the stress it was causing me (I noticed my first grey hairs at 25) and also to focus on finishing my first novel/manuscript. When I am unhappy however, I write less and less, which is so frustrating and I get so angry with myself - which doesn't help. That's when I start to notice an increase in my drinking, usually when I am alone, and smoking, as well as watching a lot of t.v. and wasting days.

Staying motivated when it feels like the whole world is against you, and all you're ever going to be is a failure, is hard. However, I'm fairly confident the bad patch is coming to an end (for now). It might take me until the day I die to finish one book but I will finish it!

I have noticed a recent popularity in adult colouring books i.e. colouring therapy, which I am intrigued by. When I was younger I would love to draw and doodle and found it comforting but I would much rather draw my own pictures and colour them than spend ten times the normal amount of money for a colouring book, just because it's not for children.

Anyway, all in all, Not a Happy Bunny so far this week, but I am working on it x

What I Bought in Whitby and Reviews

Today I am going to go through everything I bought during my trip to the seaside on Wednesday and my thoughts on the products; so far there are clear winners and loser amongst my purchases.

So, the first shop I visited was Seashells and Gemstones (I think that's the name):

The crystals I chose are Amethyst and Citrine, both rough cut rather than gemstones as I already have gemstones of each. I prefer crystals in their natural form where possible, however, it is much easier to pop a gemstone into my pocket than a chunk of rough crystal, and I never leave the house without at least one. I have always used Amethyst for meditation and like to have it when I am doing a card reading, it's properties include protection and the ability to enhance psychic abilities. Citrine is a new favourite that was suggested to me by my psychic to help with concentration/focus, it is known to absorb negative energies and encourage success - it was recommended specifically to help me with my low feeling of self-worth. The tiger's eye pendant was also to encourage self-worth and to bring me courage - it was tested the very next day when I wore it to an exam; I was ill, had achieved zero sleep the night before and was in the grips of an anxiety attack that made me want to run  from the exam room only half way through the test! I stuck through it however and managed an 89% result even though I skipped several questions in order to get the hell out of there before I threw up.

My new wax melter is by far my favourite purchase from Seashells and Gemstones. It is a wax melter by Heart & Home, it was £9.99, and I love it. It's so dainty and decorative, plus I don't like air  fresheners because I am always worried about inhaling chemicals, and I prefer to burn incense normally but not any more. I actually received a Collectables wax melt gift set for Christmas that I am only now able to use and I am obsessed with them! The scents are subtle and yet they fill the whole room for hours.

When we go to Whitby, my sister has to pay a visit to Honeyz Handmade Bath Products for their handmade soaps and bath-bombs, which I tried for the first time recently.

The Jelly Baby Soap was £3 and it smells like wine gums, not jelly babies, but it's so cute and reasonably prized for the size, plus it doesn't dry out the skin like most soaps I have tried. They do have larger bath-bombs than the ones I bought, some shaped like cupcakes and various other desserts, however they were far too big for my liking and the smaller bombs were only ten for £2.25. The scents were had names like Ocean Breeze, Mango, Baby Powder etc. The mango is the only one I have tried so far but I only used one in my bath, which smelt great at first, but the scent had dissipated by the time the bath was full - so I have to remember two are needed.

Finally, my most 'important' buy of the day, and the one I was most enthusiastic about trying, was definitely the Deep Sleep Oil from Totally Natural Skincare.

After several sleepless nights I went straight to Totally Natural to look for anything to help me. I have been to this store many times before, usually for their headache roll-on remedy, and I know my brother-in-law's mother swears by their arthritis cream so I had high hopes for this oil - which was the only product in the Insomnia section. Honestly, I am not impressed yet, though I am unsure how much of it to apply; the instructions say to apply the oil to the chest and neck area before bed and it sinks in quite quickly. The scent and overall effect is quite calming, although the main scent (sweet almond oil) is powerful and not something I enjoy, however, I didn't sleep at all the first night I used it, so I don't think it should be branded as an insomnia remedy.

So, those are my top buys from Whitby and what I am thinking of them so far; some clear winners and definitely some disappointments. Regardless, it was a great day and I would rate my mood that day as: Very Happy Bunny.

Insomnia and a Family Day Out

Oh sleep, why do you hate me? I have never been a good sleeper, as a kid, my sister and I would go to bed and she would be asleep in minutes while I laid there staring at the ceiling for hours. I used to drift off eventually but as I've gotten older, it seems to take longer and longer for me to fall asleep - sometimes I just don't sleep at all. After a few sleepless nights I start to notice several changes in my mood; I'm usually more emotional and anxious when I am overtired, but most worryingly, I also become quite aggressive. This morning I had to be up early to get the train to Whitby for my nephew's birthday, I had probably achieved a maximum of one hours sleep - I only realised I must have nodded off at some point because I remember a very vivid dream about a man with an extra row of teeth in his neck, which he was having cleaned. (I hate my dreams.) Anyway, the anger surfaced; I threw my phone across my bedroom because I couldn't find my charger and almost screamed when I couldn't get to the kitchen because my Mum was messing around in front of me. Thankfully, I calmed down before I actually started screaming at her. 

On the train I started to get very excited, mainly because I could see all the little lambs and wild rabbits hopping around in the fields outside the window, and like most crazy people, I find animals to be quite relaxing. I also love the seaside, so I was really looking forward to today and a bit frustrated it had started so badly. 

My favourite thing to do in Whitby, and the thing I most excited for, is shopping for new crystals, because I love crystals and I hate ordering them from Amazon and paying ridiculous prices plus delivery for sub-par quality. I also feel much more satisfied when I can select my own crystals.

I make a point of visiting TotallyNaturalSkincare for their natural remedies, like their headache roll on, and today I purchased their Deep Sleep Oil for the first time, so hopefully I can sleep tonight. Sadly, I am just one of those people who is always getting headaches and occasionally migraines, but I hate having to take painkillers so I will always opt for a herbal/homeopathic remedies when possible.

My nephew was two today and I have to admit, it makes me feel a bit sad he's growing up so fast and that I haven't actually accomplished anything in the years he has been part of our lives. Part of me wants to work even harder to achieve my goals to show him he can do anything he wants to in life, because so many people give up and stop trying - I don't want that for anyone; life is not complacency. Life should be exciting!