What Happened?

What should I do with my life?
It's a monumentally huge question and one that has taken a backseat to my depression for my entire life so far, just like my life has. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted; I used to believe that as long as I could write, nothing else mattered. But that's not realistic.

I didn't go to college - I was so consumed by anxiety and depression in my late teens that being surrounded by new people and thinking about the future left me a quivering wreck. So, instead of building a career, I took a job in a greasy café were I quickly became so depressed with my life I was getting drunk every night just to feel happy before the next day began. Things got progressively worse, I slowly became a shadow of the person I should have been.

At 26 I am closer to thirty than I am comfortable with and I have zero prospects. After several failed job interviews I have come to realise that trying to explain to possible employer that I left my previous job was because I was so depressed, that the idea of waking up in the morning made me want to cry and then bang my head off a wall. How am I supposed to 'sell myself' when I am just learning to like myself? I could go to college but what would I do? I'm currently experiencing a major transition period of my life, I don't know what direction to go in, I don't really know where I am, all I do know is that I have to do something! I can't keep sitting at home staring at the walls - it's not healthy and it is not helping my social anxiety.

So, for now, I'm stuck, trying desperately to find a solution to a problem I can't define and failing to figure out who I really am. I can't be the only person this confused I know, so if you're as lost and lonely as I am right now don't worry - you aren't really alone. Wherever you are, I'm right there beside you...

If there's no way out, how did you get in?

An Interview & A Meltdown

I had a job interview this afternoon, my first in two years and my first ever on medication/suffering a bad bout of depression. Usually the idea of being judged and questioned terrifies me but today was bearable. There was a distinct ominous feeling on the journey there, plus a bad case of the sweats, however, the meeting was brief, relaxed and I only said 'sort of' twice. Relief! Whether I got the job is still unsure but I walked away with  an immense sense of pride knowing I did my best and I DID NOT SHAKE! Nerves, excitement, fear - any and very emotion manifests into shaking with me and each day I get through without the shakes is a victory for me. There is no symptom of anxiety I hate worse than the uncontrollable tremors that have made me self-conscious for almost a decade.

Today's victory meant so much more after my recent weeks of doom and gloom. I can't stop putting pressure on myself - everything has to better and it has to be better right now, or it's simply not good enough. I make big plans, have grand expectations and even greater disappointments. I try to relax, I really do, but there's no pill in the world capable of slowing down my brain. It's my constant thinking and planning that keeps me up at night, then I wake up and it starts all over again; I don't get peace in the mornings, not even five minutes before my head starts hurting. I've always wanted to be one of those happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-moment people but I've always been a 'stresser'.

I've been really down on myself lately and the way I am - who I am. I don't know if I was born to be this way or if life made me like this, there's a lot about me I would change if I could but my biggest challenge will be accepting the things I can't and, hopefully, learning to enjoy them.