Missing: My Brain...

 

I'm so Tired!

Sunday

Like last Sunday, this was a total YouTube-Day. I was still exhausted and determined to relax and get a good night's sleep; the hope was that I would be refreshed and raring to go for the week ahead. Did it happen? No! *Sob*

 

Monday

After a night of terrible sleep, that would precede a week of terrible sleep, Monday started early with a 9.00am appointment with the Vet', who happily told me my bad-tempered bunny is 'perfect'; perfectly healthy and perfectly capable of destroying my house whenever my back is turned. After taking Peter back home, where he hid from me in disgust, I had to rush back out to meet with my new Work-Coach. Not sure what a work-coach does yet as they left me waiting for over an hour only to tell me I had to go back and finish my induction another day! I'm happy to accept help if it's relevant but I don't like being treated like a fool.

 

Tuesday

I made pizza again - yum - and fries (such an unhealthy vegan) but my Mum, Sister and Nephew showed up to invite me to go birthday-cake-shopping. I scrambled around to get ready and Jesse decided to eat my fries! Then he developed an unusual bond with a Tesco trolley that only he could push, until he started running wild and the safety of elderly shoppers was threatened - what followed was the Mother of All Tantrums! (My nephew is 2 - 3 next week - but he's already h-u-u-u-g-e!)



The only words Jesse shrieks during this brief portion of his meltdown are "put me down" and "trolley". Thankfully his tantrum did tire him out a little so we could get him to bed early and I could sneak away to go home without incurring a second fit of rage. Again, love him to bits, and I did find the entire tantrum hysterical but, had he been my child, I probably wouldn't have seen the funny side.

 

Wednesday

Late! Late! Late! I made a point of sneaking home so I would be well-rested and ready to get up early (again) for a meeting my work-coach set up but it - just - didn't - happen! I missed my bus and get to get a different one, the first would have taken me straight to the meeting, the second required a change of bus down the line. I made it halfway on my journey and panicked, called ahead to warn them I would be late, only to be told that the meeting started at 10.00 - that's 10.00 and no later. So I apologised and went back home. ARGH! I was so frustrated; I shouldn't have missed the first bus, I should have left early enough to have a back-up plan - my brain was just not with it. The whole mess was 50% my fault, 50% bad luck and it 100% put me in a foul mood. I spent the rest of the day watching the Cheap Lazy Vegan on YouTube and using her recipes to make an enormous pile of food that I hoped would make me so full I would pass out. It kind of worked, I was very full and I was in bed by 6.30pm! That's ridiculously early to go to bed for me but the next day brought my work-trial with Westbrooke and I was adamant it would go better than this day's failure. 

 

Thursday

Late Again! Not only late, but an hour late after getting on the wrong bus and travelling to who-knows-where before getting scared enough to de-bus, go back where I started and pay more attention! Once again the brain was vacant! I knew how to get there, I had already been there for an interview - why did I have to try and make the journey 'easier' by getting on a bus I had never been on before to a place I barely know? Am I stupid? I actually considered going home and forgetting about the whole thing, once upon a time I would have, (when anxiety had control) the embarrassment of showing up an hour late would have been unthinkable. But I did it, I got there, I apologised, then I tried to prove I was worth hiring. It might have been convincing if I wasn't functioning with sloth-like speed. I think I did ok, I got the work done and I knew what I was doing - I really enjoyed it - I just know I could have been better if I could have engaged my brain! I hate my brain and I hate being tired!

 

Friday

After another very early night, I gave up on sleep at 5.00am and was having a bath by 6.00am - what!? I had to go outside again - fifth day in a row! It was my fortnightly trip to the old job-centre to sign for the pennies I need to live (that's not a dig, I am genuinely grateful to have JSA to keep me going). Then I came home and practically melted into a puddle of relief, I put on my PJ's and settled in front of the TV for a weekend of staying indoors (where I belong). I spent my Friday night drinking tea and sketching a rough outline of each 'panel' for the first issue of Folk-Lore, which really eased my tension.

 

Saturday

I slept! I slept! It took me two weeks but I finally slept *weeps with joy* and I felt so happy that I didn't have to put on any make up on or rush off to anywhere. I started season 2 of Maken-Ki (Maken-Ki:Two I believe it is called) and started scanning character designs to edit, which is still new to me and I don't have a graphics tablet yet so I had to use the mouse; after a few hours I had 'claw-hand'. That led me to the main activity of the day and the first mention of... The Giant Egg *groan* that I still have not finished with less than a week to go!! I'm fairly certain that my life will be completely dominated by the paper-mache-monster every day next week, so please don't expect an exciting post next Saturday. I may just post a giant photograph of the finished product with the title: NEVER AGAIN!

 

Yeah so, it's been a busy week with very little sleep, a lot of cock-ups, crying nephews (and aunts) plus a lot of progress vis-à-vis Folk-Lore. I considered showing some of my artwork but as I am still in the development stage (I keep changing things!) I didn't want to commit to anything just yet. Hope you all had a less stressful week, or that my week makes you feel better about it, and I sincerely hope that your upcoming week contains no glue, paint or eggs of any kind - NAHB x

 

"If you are going through Hell, keep going - Winston Churchill"  





Chocolate, Pixlr and Pheobe Buffay Wisdom

This Easter Bunny doesn't want to  share...
 

What Happened This Week?

Sunday

Easter 2016 was probably the first Easter in about ten years that I actually enjoyed - I know I'm not a child and Easter loses its appeal to most people as they get older but for me, who hated all food, the idea of stuffing my face with chocolate was sickening. I can't even remember the last year I ate a chocolate egg but this year changed it all. With my new attitude to life and all of the delicious vegan options on the shelves this year I enjoyed this...

 



 This year I also helped arrange an egg hunt for my nephew and some of his friends (thankfully the rain held off until we had finished), plus a 'private' egg hunt for my nephew that involved hiding mini Thomas the Tank Engine toys inside plastic eggs; he definitely preferred the second hunt. By putting more effort into the Easter celebrations I had a lot more fun and I will be planning similar activities for 2017.

 

Monday

I had to check my diary for this one, I suppose Monday was a bit deflating after the excitement of Sunday. It doesn't appear to be a very happy day - with nothing to distract me I spent the day worrying about whether I would be able to afford enough food this month and wishing I could find a job. I hate unemployment; it's boring, frustrating and is no good for my self-esteem.

 

Tuesday

I remember Tuesday and not for anything good. I started the day feeling great, I had been offered the chance to work online posting ads on eBay, a job that was suspicious at first glance but I never imagined I would spend hours helping someone only to be blocked from eBay - FOR LIFE! I was so angry with myself for getting my hopes up and being so naïve that I fumed all afternoon, holding everything in until bed-time rolled around; I spent 40 minutes crying hysterically and writing in my diary about how stupid, useless, ugly - you name it, I was it. I calmed down of course, but only after listening to Butcher Babies through my headphones at full volume and taking my anger out on my sketch book. It frustrates me how easily I can be influenced by other people, situations that should only irritate me turn me into a crazy mess - I'm just glad I live alone and no one had to see me like that.

 

Wednesday

Luckily I had enough money to go food shopping, which got me out of the house - I try to get outside as much as possible but it's not always easy with the British weather to contend with. I am definitely more of an indoor person, however, I know that locking myself away from the world will only make me unhappy so I make the most of any opportunity to go out. After all the doom and gloom of Tuesday, Wednesday brought back my resolve and, thanks to my satiated hunger, I had the energy to focus. Firstly, I took some advice from the one and only Phoebe Buffay and wrote a list of things I want to achieve before I turn 27 (nothing involving a hippity-hop though) and I plan on setting myself smaller goals for each year of my life to come. I also began planning my route into the animation world, I love to write and getting published is still a huge ambition of mine, but it's my love of anime that led me to change my career-path slightly. I am a huge anime and manga fan, I recently re-watched every episode of Dragonball and am currently re-watching every episode Bleach. I enjoy American animation also, however, I love the developed storylines and amazing detail that Japanese animation has, as a child I dreamt of working in animation every time I watched Sailor Moon or Digimon but like most people I abandoned that passion for practicality. We should never forget our passions or give up on our dreams, this is why I dug out all of my art supplies and started drawing again, I've also applied to study media part time at my local college. I also discovered Pixlr, a web-based photo editor with some great artistic options that can transform simple sketches.

 

Before and After



Thursday

Sleepover Day! My 2 year-old nephew Jesse came to stay with my Mam and I (we always make a bed on my Mam's living room floor), so I spent most of the day, and night, running around like a lunatic and getting dived on; I love my nephew but oh-my-goodness children are exhausting!

 

Friday

After Jesse was picked up by my sister, I went home and cracked open a bottle of vodka - nuff said.

 

Saturday

Which brings me to today (well done if you made it this far)! I've been trying to get back into blogging more regularly and pondering different ideas, this weekly update on my life seemed like the best but I wasn't sure about the length; it's like a condensed version of my diary. The goal is to post every Saturday, keeping you up to date on my comings and goings, my meltdowns and my victory's, as well as posting to my second blog The Words That Fall, which is simply a poetry blog at the moment but is soon to contain my own original 'graphic novel' (50/50 words to graphics).

My only plans left for today are to watch The Vampire Diaries and continue building a paper mache egg for Jesse's birthday at the end of the month (I'm going to hide presents in it).

 

And that's my rundown of the week; 7 days of my weird, yet typically ordinary life. Amazing how much can happen in one week!

 

As if you could kill time, without injuring eternity - Henry David Thoreau





Bored of Myself

So, it's been a while since I've posted...

I am experiencing similar feelings towards you (readers I have never met) to friends and family who have had to 'put up with' my anxiety, depression and general strange-ness for years. I feel like talking about my journey through life is a dizzying, two steps forward and five steps back story. This is not an enjoyable way to live so I can't imagine it is any more fun to read. I started this blog to force myself to stop hiding from my 'issues' and to connect with all of you out there who might be dealing with similar problems; I wanted to show you that you weren't alone.

As much as I know that it is a comfort to know you're not the only one feeling down, I had to stop and think about whether I was actually helping anyone by writing about my 'terrible' life and all the struggles I face. then writing about how 'happy I was, when I was really just going through a manic phase. I realised I can't really offer any advice because everyone is different, everyone deals with depression or anxiety etc. differently, plus everyone suffers different symptoms in varying degrees. Myself, I don't suffer with regular anxiety attacks after years of practising breathing exercises, however, when I am suffering with anxiety, I shake/tremble uncontrollably and feel like I'm going to throw up. As hard as I try I can't seem to really control these problems, although I sometimes think I can.

When I started this blog I thought we would be walking the road to my recovery, together, which could still happen - eventually. I just want to say that I won't be offering any advice or going into great detail about what I am attempting to 'fix' myself because I don't want to appear as though I am offering some sort of miracle cure. Honestly, 99% of everything I have tried after researching online, has not provided any noticeable or lasting effects, which is why I don't feel right recommending them.

I know this post has been quite long-winded, so to summarise:
I am planning on posting regularly again, I will still be honest about how I'm feeling but, hopefully, I will be more focussed on making my life better in general, rather than focussing solely on the 'bad' and how I'm trying to fix it, I want to talk more about what works (and what doesn't) to just be happy, regardless.

So, look forward to a more optimistic, healthy and positive me (I hope)....

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not -

 Denis Waitley

What Happened?

What should I do with my life?
It's a monumentally huge question and one that has taken a backseat to my depression for my entire life so far, just like my life has. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted; I used to believe that as long as I could write, nothing else mattered. But that's not realistic.

I didn't go to college - I was so consumed by anxiety and depression in my late teens that being surrounded by new people and thinking about the future left me a quivering wreck. So, instead of building a career, I took a job in a greasy café were I quickly became so depressed with my life I was getting drunk every night just to feel happy before the next day began. Things got progressively worse, I slowly became a shadow of the person I should have been.

At 26 I am closer to thirty than I am comfortable with and I have zero prospects. After several failed job interviews I have come to realise that trying to explain to possible employer that I left my previous job was because I was so depressed, that the idea of waking up in the morning made me want to cry and then bang my head off a wall. How am I supposed to 'sell myself' when I am just learning to like myself? I could go to college but what would I do? I'm currently experiencing a major transition period of my life, I don't know what direction to go in, I don't really know where I am, all I do know is that I have to do something! I can't keep sitting at home staring at the walls - it's not healthy and it is not helping my social anxiety.

So, for now, I'm stuck, trying desperately to find a solution to a problem I can't define and failing to figure out who I really am. I can't be the only person this confused I know, so if you're as lost and lonely as I am right now don't worry - you aren't really alone. Wherever you are, I'm right there beside you...

If there's no way out, how did you get in?

Getting Back To Reality

I'm back and ... it's my birthday! 26 Years Old - Wow. I know it's not a recognised milestone, however, it is the first birthday I have ever had where I feel like I have some control over my future.

It hasn't been an easy few months. Living alone brought more stress than I expected, I have been very ill for almost two months with various viruses and several teeth infections that only added to my sour mood. My medication was increased to allow me to deal with my increased depression, but I have recently returned to my original dose of 50mg of Sertraline and 40mg of Propranolol daily (plus an occasional extra dose of Propranolol in case of an anxiety attack).

Moving brought problems for me that I thought I was in control of, problems involving food mostly. I should have seen it coming but I had been dealing with my eating disorder so well, eating regularly and healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of myself. Then I became responsible for running a home, paying the bills and food took a back seat; it became about what I could afford and not what I needed/what was best for me. My budget was very tight for the first few months and I am only just gaining balance with my finances and starting to relax a little. My house feels more like a home now.

I'm erratic right now, up and down, never sure what the next day will bring and hating it. My medication keeps me grounded, mania occurs less often and less intensively than before, my depression isn't as all-consuming as it once was, yet I am still struggling to feel happy. It's frustrating to know that all of these amazing changes are happening in my life and I can't truly feel the joy I know I should feel.

I keep asking myself: WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I do need a plan. Be it food or exercise, developing my social life, finding a job or getting back into my writing, something needs to happen. I've lost myself a little in the process of moving away from home and leaving my family issues behind me. Actually being able to live without the negativity and painful memories of my past has left an emptiness inside of me; I was so deeply-filled with darkness for so long that the loss of those burdens has left a hole I don't know how to fill. I'm lost.

 

 

Well, it's been a long time and I'm glad to be back because this blog is the only place in my world where I am truly honest and open about how I'm feeling; I've missed that.

 

To live is to hope; to give up is to die. 

An Interview & A Meltdown

I had a job interview this afternoon, my first in two years and my first ever on medication/suffering a bad bout of depression. Usually the idea of being judged and questioned terrifies me but today was bearable. There was a distinct ominous feeling on the journey there, plus a bad case of the sweats, however, the meeting was brief, relaxed and I only said 'sort of' twice. Relief! Whether I got the job is still unsure but I walked away with  an immense sense of pride knowing I did my best and I DID NOT SHAKE! Nerves, excitement, fear - any and very emotion manifests into shaking with me and each day I get through without the shakes is a victory for me. There is no symptom of anxiety I hate worse than the uncontrollable tremors that have made me self-conscious for almost a decade.

Today's victory meant so much more after my recent weeks of doom and gloom. I can't stop putting pressure on myself - everything has to better and it has to be better right now, or it's simply not good enough. I make big plans, have grand expectations and even greater disappointments. I try to relax, I really do, but there's no pill in the world capable of slowing down my brain. It's my constant thinking and planning that keeps me up at night, then I wake up and it starts all over again; I don't get peace in the mornings, not even five minutes before my head starts hurting. I've always wanted to be one of those happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-moment people but I've always been a 'stresser'.

I've been really down on myself lately and the way I am - who I am. I don't know if I was born to be this way or if life made me like this, there's a lot about me I would change if I could but my biggest challenge will be accepting the things I can't and, hopefully, learning to enjoy them.

Frustrations

I have to get this out - this week has been A-W-F-U-L!

I'm tired, not sleeping, feeling unmotivated, my head hurts, my body aches and I can't seem to shake off a cold I've been suffering with for the past fortnight. The only thing that has kept me going recently is planning the big move - I'm 25 and living at home! I moved out when I was eighteen and moved back when I was 21, depressed and spiralling  downwards. I've been saving all my spare pounds and pennies to try and amass just enough to get my freedom back and move my life forward and planning how to spend that money has been my only source of excitement lately. Until this week happened, I was doing really well; the end was in sight!

In one day I experienced two enormous nightmare situations that bit a huge chunk out of my savings, completely out of the blue. Dentist bill + Bank Charges = Hell! I almost cracked. I wanted to scream, cry, drink, smoke, throw things, rip out my hair, punch the walls and lose all control in reaction to this unexpected, and horrifying, setback. I stomped around the house for almost an hour, holding back tears and thinking about vodka and cigarettes, trying to convince myself that losing it just once wouldn't be the worst thing. Everyone breaks down sometimes - right? I came so close to ruining all my hard work and making everything worse.  All these emotions were building up in my head until I thought I might explode if I didn't find a way to release my frustration.

Do you want to know what broke it all? The thing that made me laugh and snapped me out of my murderous rage? I watched an old episode of 8 Simple Rules on YouTube - and I laughed, and that small emotional expression relieved so much tension I smiled even wider at my own silliness. I put all my energy into cleaning and then arranging my finances to accommodate my new debts, after which a sense of calm settled over me.

I suppose the message here is not to let small setbacks create even bigger ones. I could have let myself fall back into old habits, I could have gotten drunk and cried hysterically about how unfair life is - but I didn't. I stewed for an hour and my mind found a new way to feel better before solving the problem. Simple.

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - Joyce Meyer

Taking Risks

I haven't been in school for almost ten years now and I can honestly say I hated it. My anxiety was peaking, I was socially awkward and terrified of being judged - which is common for a lot of people at that age but then they go to college and 'find' themselves and tend to be more confident and comfortable. I went to college for two months before I gave up and went into full time work. I found the classroom environment so uncomfortable, I had trouble concentrating because I was always tired and stressed, plus I was becoming severely depressed; I had no motivation, no aspirations and I was drinking far too much. Silly me.

Over time I sorted myself out and started trying to do more and think of ways to make my life better but I always struggled with the thought of returning to school because of my experiences even though I wanted to further my learning - my anxiety held me back. Years passed (I'm now 25) and fell into the thought process of believing I was too old to learn anything, I wouldn't be smart enough etc. I basically lost all confidence in myself.

Anyway, in March this year, I agreed to study for a small IT qualification to hopefully increase my chances of finding a job and build my confidence. I didn't sleep the night before my induction and I felt so confined surrounded by all these strangers while I was taking basic tests to determine my skill level but I survived and arranged to do the majority of my study at home plus one day a week in an actual class. At first I hated it. I was always nervous when anyone tried to talk to me and I panicked when it came to learning anything new. I studied with The Hope Foundation in Middlesbrough and I can honestly say the entire organisation is brilliant! The tutors and the volunteers were friendly and so amazing and I got high scores on all my assessments - it was a huge boost for me, not only to achieve something but to have people congratulating me and reminding me it is ok to feel proud. Pride is an emotion I usually reject, instead of feeling good when people say 'well done' I just feel tense and hope they change the subject. I find it hard to see the good in myself.

The last day of my IT course I sat down with my tutor who asked me about my plans for the future. She knew exactly how I was feeling and had obviously been paying close attention to me during the few months I had known her and she asked me to consider university. Of course I had considered it but my fears and insecurities had held me back. My tutor spent a lot of time telling me not to waste my potential and not to restrict myself. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced during this conversation - I have made so many mistakes that it often feels like most people have given up on me, so having someone sit in front of me and tell me they believe in me was overwhelming.

Long story short: I'm getting a degree!

It's a huge step forward for me and something I never thought would happen, Of course, my current state is still rather up-and-down so I am looking into online learning, specifically with the Open University, to avoid stressing myself out and giving up. I don't want to give up. I owe a lot to my tutor Rebecca and The Hope Foundation for helping me and I can't thank them enough for that.

 It doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never too late to change the future.

Here's to the next step....

Don't underestimate the power of your words. Be kind, smile, and you could change someones life; no matter how small the message, it could mean the world to someone who needs to hear it x

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

Anxiety OR Fear

It's June! Almost halfway through the year already - yikes.
So, recently I took a trip to the fair with my sister and her family, where the two of us rode on several rides - including a roller-coaster - so not just little rides. As a child I always loved big rides and rarely shied away from any sort of exciting activity; I went on a school trip when I was eleven that involved climbing a large tree (possibly 20-30ft) and jumping for a trapeze bar while harnessed (I missed by miles). Reliving all of these memories, as my sister and I screamed and laughed hysterically while we were spun and thrown into the air, got me thinking about the differences between fear and anxiety.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking my sister and I are daredevils - we are not - neither of us is brave enough to handle the more extreme rides and, like most people, we spent the minutes before each ride (the ones were you are strapped in and there's officially no backing out) laughing nervously and, in my case, questioning my own sanity. However, I noticed distinct differences between those pre-ride butterflies and my regular anxiety, and between fear and anxiety in general.

Fear Is An Emotional Response To Real Danger

Anxiety Is A Psychological Disorder Triggered By Imagined Danger

For a long time I believed I couldn't have anxiety because there are few things I genuinely fear, until I realised my biggest fear was/is anxiety itself and began treating the two as separate conditions. Anyone who has ever experienced an anxiety attack will know the fear that sets in when you first start to feel the effects, but, unfortunately, fear and anxiety have the same symptoms, and so panicking about panicking will only make it worse - it's a vicious cycle. I have also noticed that excitement also invokes the same symptoms on occasion.

My Definitions:

Fear is the bodies reaction to stress/danger; hormones are released to allow the body to effectively react; it forces us to act. Having a phobia can often encourage a person to overcome their fear because they can identify the root cause. Once the danger has passed, the effects of fear usually go away.

Anxiety is triggered by the mind either recreating or fabricating a stressful/dangerous situation, and so the body reacts by releasing the same stress hormones as fear. However, as their is no danger, the body keeps releasing these hormones because it can't determine when it is safe.

To apply these definitions to my trip to the fair; I was afraid before riding a roller-coaster because it's fast, high up and sometimes rides malfunction - pessimistic thinking. This was natural. However, my anxiety over being in such a large crowd of people and flinching whenever anyone brushed against me, was my mind imagining all the bad things that COULD happen; my subconscious may have been remembering a time in my past where being surrounded by people ended badly.

This is where we were -

and this isn't even half of the queue to get in!

I can honestly say that learning and researching anxiety has helped me understand and come to terms with my condition more than I ever imagined. I encourage anyone who is suffering from any condition/disorder to learn as much as you can - it really reduces the fear.

Be smart, Be strong and Bravery will come x

My Resources

www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-fear-and-anxiety

www.innerhealthstudio.com/fear-and-anxiety.html

normalintraining.com/2015/04/13/anxiety-vs-fear