Story Development and Weaponised Saliva



It's been a big, bad week on the depression-scale( I'd give it an 8), these weeks happen, they're a pain but it's a fact of life - for me anyway.

Sunday

Total YouTube-Day! I couldn't even guess how many DIY videos I watched for homemade cosmetics, skincare and tips/tricks for natural ways to deal with my infuriating face. I hate my skin *sad face* - it just gets worse as I get older. I developed acne when I was 24, same age I started going grey, then I started to notice dry patches of skin on my usually oily face; my skin literally drinks make-up, which is why I don't tend to wear a lot of it. The most interesting tip I learnt was using Calamine Lotion to treat acne, I use it in place of toner because toner burns! No idea if it works yet but we'll see.

I love a good, lazy Sunday, just relaxing, pampering and mentally preparing for the week ahead. Unfortunately my relaxing day was followed by a night of terrifying dreams where I was forced to watch people being eaten and then I was murdered - What!? (I don't like my brain sometimes.)

 

Monday

Such an irritating day - I must have received at least 6 text messages/phone calls from people asking me about my 'recent car accident'! I don't even drive and I think I would remember being in an accident; where do these people get my phone number? And why do they always sound pissed off when I tell them I have no idea what they're talking about? I never asked them to phone me! I was already tired and grumpy - all those calls did was exacerbate my bad mood.

 

Tuesday

I still hadn't caught up on my sleep and was pretty shattered, cue massive migraine, however, I got a lot of research done in regards to story/character development thanks to www.tvtrope.org who even had anime examples in their descriptions! It really helped me develop a clearer outline as well as spur my imagination to create better back-stories for my characters. I had some visitors (which never happens); my sister and nephew stopped by for a while and we ended up blowing up balloons and letting them go so they flew around the room. Sounds really stupid I know but Jesse thought it was hilarious and kept bringing the balloons back to be re-inflated, then they got all gross and 'spitty' and I had to shield myself while I got pelted with them! Thanks Lois.

 

Wednesday

Food-Day! I'm ridiculously frugal when it comes to buying food and I make sure that what I buy will last until I go shopping again, which means I get super excited for going food shopping because I have nothing to eat by then. When I got home I stuffed my face with homemade pizza, spaghetti and bananas with chocolate peanut butter - never had it before and oh my! I've just been eating it straight from the jar it's that good, plus it's certified vegan. As for 'work', I completed a full plan for the first issue of my comic/novel (not sure what to call it) which, after talking about it for so long, I am hoping to have posted the beginning of May; fingers-crossed. I can confirm that it will be called Folk-Lore, the first arc will be titles The Two World's Arc and the first issue is (probably) going to be 'Hello Uncle'.



Thursday

I got a £200 gas bill - what? Clearly someone has cocked that one up - I never have my heating on, I sit wrapped up in a duvet like an old lady so I'm never cold enough, or I'm already warm enough (does that make sense?). So I'm waiting for an explanation from British Gas about that, and an apology for the mild stroke they gave me.

 

Friday

Another job interview: I did not want to go to this! I was feeling pretty bad, still exhausted, completely unable to concentrate on anything or engage my brain in any way and I had to try and impress a panel of interviewers before taking a skills test *cries like Snoopy*. I don't think it went well but thankfully, and to my great relief, I got a call about last week's interview and have been asked to work a trial-day for a Property Administrator Apprenticeship. I know writer, illustrator and administration isn't a common mix of interests but my interests are 'creatively exhausting' and I find that organising information relaxes my mind. Not that writing/drawing stresses me in the normal sense; if any of you have experience with anxiety you'll know that often, when you get really into something and get really enthusiastic/excited about it, you can find it too stimulating. Personally, I find that if I get to that point and keep pushing past it, my hands and arms will start to tense and my brain will kind of buzz, which is usually a sign that it is way past midnight and I should go to bed. I need structure to stay sane I suppose. Coincidentally, Friday night was one of these times as I stayed up to work more on that thing that haunts my waking moments a.k.a. the giant egg. I must say I'm quite amazed at how it's progressing - it actually looks egg-shaped! I have 11 days to finish it - gulp. I'll post a picture once it's finished and possibly a video of my nephew smashing it open (while I cry).

Peter - original NAHB

 

Saturday

It's today! I really wanted to sleep in today, I stayed up until almost 2am and yet, when I rolled over to check the time this morning it was 7.16am! Why? Just why? I couldn't believe it, I would have been less annoyed it had said 7.16pm, that's how badly I wanted to catch up on my z's.  Today has been a total anime-binge-fest; I have watched back-to-back episodes of Bleach (Season 13 in it's entirety) and discovered a new show called Maken-Ki: Battle of Venus. I'm 10 episodes into Maken-Ki and am really enjoying the story, even if it's a little pervy and someone's flashing their boobies and/or their 'panties' every 5 minutes. I'm currently listening to Kerrang! and trying to decide which design program and graphics tablet to invest in - nothing too expensive of course; I'm still poor.

 

So, it's been a busy week, I just wish I could have enjoyed it a bit more. All I can do is hope next week will be better, there's going to be a trip to the vet (for Peter), a work trial and a mad rush to finish the egg before Jesse's birthday

 

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything - Bible



 

What Happened This Week?

(I can't believe it - 2 consecutive posts!?)

Sunday

Sunday = Potato Day! Actually it's food-preparation-day; before the start of a new week I like to make sure I have a decent amount of food ready to cook during the week. Potatoes, though delicious and nutritious, are a nightmare to prepare if I'm feeling lazy - all the washing and the chopping etc. (I sound so lazy.) Rice and pasta are easy - whack in some water and let them do their thing but spuds need a little forethought...

This chop and steam method came from watching Freelee the Banana Girl on Youtube, I usually cook a batch straight away and plunge the rest in ice water to cool, put them into freezer bags, shake in some seasoning and freeze them for later. The rest of the day was pretty relaxed.                                                               Monday                                                                                                       Officially the start of the week and I did nothing! I actually started to feel really ill, of course I blamed my depression, which I always do - I never stop to think that I might be sick, I just automatically assume I'm having a 'down-day' (which probably triggers a down-day) and get annoyed with myself.

 

Tuesday

I figured out my throbbing headache and general ickyness was down to a sinus infection, something I get regularly but always forget about, my Mama suffers with sinusitis even more than I do and luckily for me, gets a steroid nasal spray on repeat prescription that I have been able to use. I gave up on painkillers a while ago but had to resort to taking them for my agony *sad face*.

 

Wednesday

(Still ill.) I spent all day researching and preparing for my interview the following day, I had 2 interviews this week; I have a process for job interviews that involves learning a few facts about the employer, practising answers to questions and jotting down a few of my own. I did everything possible to make myself feel better so I would be more alert; homemade saline solution, herbal tea and heat packs on my face. Unfortunately I didn't feel any dramatic results and I was extra grumpy because I haven't been sleeping all week (argh) - I HATE NOT SLEEPING! I'm basically like a baby, if I am hungry or tired, I am just unbearable to be around and so miserable, you'd  think the world was ending I feel so hopeless. Lack of sleep also intensifies my anxiety and puts my nerves on edge - not good.

 

Thursday

My first job interview in weeks and I got no sleep, woke up bloated as hell - I looked fat and gross - and I really wasn't feeling good about my chances. Thankfully, I gave myself enough time to try on a million outfits because the one I picked out the night before looked awful with my enormous stomach (thank you mother nature) and I eventually found a dress that disguised the majority of my tum. After breakfast and a cup of coffee I was feeling ready to face the world and am happy to report I wowed at my interview (I think); I can usually tell when an interview goes badly. I spent the rest of the day painting and gluing - I have less than 3 weeks to complete a giant egg I started almost 2 months ago (eek) but I'm really excited to see it finished and to watch Jesse crack it open on his birthday.

 

Friday

My second interview was very strange, halfway through I was put on the spot to prove my sales skills by 'selling' a pen. A pen! I had to create selling points for a ballpoint pen and try to convince my potential employer to buy it from me *cringe* and I babbled my way through it nervously, wondering what I was supposed to be saying and suspecting I had failed. I hate being put on the spot! Thankfully, Friday night brought some light relief in the shape of my crazy nephew - that's 2 weeks in a row of babysitting; my sister's social life is much more lively than my own. Jesse is currently obsessed with song/dance videos on Youtube like The Hokey Cokey/Pokey, One Little Finger and If Your Happy. I know all the words and all the moves!

 

Saturday

It's today! I'm still shocked, but very pleased, I remembered to write this post. Hopefully this means I am back to regular posts and back in to blogging (woop). This morning involved the usual Jesse tantrums, he also gets grumpy after very little sleep,

What happens when you attach a food bag clip to a toddler's trousers and he cannot figure out how to remove it :)

but me being the cow I am, I had to torment him further - which kind of distracted him but also further pissed him off. My sister and her fiancé came for Jesse after going to the gym and I was forced to look at my sister's incredibly toned body and think longingly back to when I was into my fitness and a lot leaner. Of course I was starving myself, exercising to excess and not taking care of my mental health. In many ways I am healthier now but I used to have a lot of pride in my appearance, which I can't say now. As a new vegan I am aware there is a journey to take and my body has to heal before I will see any improvements, patience has never been my strong suit but it is what I need! Give me patience!

 

Until next week, I am plodding along, still trying and looking forward to the future - and I hope you are too - NAHB x

 

My sister's fitness page (if you're interested): https://www.facebook.com/Loisdyefitness/

 

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - unkown

 

 

 





Holding On For Dear Life

So, after almost a decade of being on my local housing association's waiting list I have been offered a home. I have had five different jobs while waiting for this offer and it comes during a stint of  unemployment; I have very little savings and no career on the horizon. But I couldn't say no.

At the beginning of the year my friend and I paid for a psychic reading, the woman was welcoming, genuine and knew things about me no one could ever guess, and she foresaw three big, important life events that would arrive by the end of August. The first was a course of study, which was funny because I had arranged to start an IT course that very morning, since then I have committed myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and am currently being assessed for an apprenticeship within the NHS. That's a lot of study; prediction one definitely came true.

The second important change was going to be a move - finally getting a house of my own. I was probably most excited for this one as my current home (my mother's home) holds a lot of bad memories and years of unhappiness that are difficult to forget. Unfortunately, though I tried to my hardest to make it happen, being unemployed and having severe bouts of emotional turbulence made me give up on any possibility of it happening. Then, on Tuesday this week, I received a visit from the local housing officer; within twenty minutes I had viewed the property and agreed to take it. Prediction number two came as a complete surprise.

Prediction number three is yet to arrive though I have been told it will be man-shaped, older and very good for me. He has less than three weeks to get here!

I spent a lot of time thinking about what the psychic told me and wondering how she didn't see my breakdown or the last four month's of recovery, but I have concluded that even if she had, she probably wouldn't have told me. I had to choose to change - it had to be my decision. I couldn't have been influenced by anyone but myself, yet if I hadn't made the choice to change, I never would have gotten anything she promised me. I would have never had the courage or self-belief to study for a degree or even apply for the position I have within the NHS and the very idea of living alone would have terrified me; I would have denied myself all these new, exciting opportunities and continued to waste my life, living in fear.

So, maybe the psychic put these ideas in my head and I created my own path to them, or maybe she saw that a breakthrough was on it's way for me. Either way, the universe is throwing a lot at me right now and I'm handling it, somehow. Everything is still a bit of a struggle but it's getting easier, slowly but surely, I'm retraining my mind to ignore the doubts and the negative thoughts and focus on the good stuff, though right now I'm so busy preparing to move I don't have time to dwell on my bad stuff.

This Bunny's Starting Again x

An Interview & A Meltdown

I had a job interview this afternoon, my first in two years and my first ever on medication/suffering a bad bout of depression. Usually the idea of being judged and questioned terrifies me but today was bearable. There was a distinct ominous feeling on the journey there, plus a bad case of the sweats, however, the meeting was brief, relaxed and I only said 'sort of' twice. Relief! Whether I got the job is still unsure but I walked away with  an immense sense of pride knowing I did my best and I DID NOT SHAKE! Nerves, excitement, fear - any and very emotion manifests into shaking with me and each day I get through without the shakes is a victory for me. There is no symptom of anxiety I hate worse than the uncontrollable tremors that have made me self-conscious for almost a decade.

Today's victory meant so much more after my recent weeks of doom and gloom. I can't stop putting pressure on myself - everything has to better and it has to be better right now, or it's simply not good enough. I make big plans, have grand expectations and even greater disappointments. I try to relax, I really do, but there's no pill in the world capable of slowing down my brain. It's my constant thinking and planning that keeps me up at night, then I wake up and it starts all over again; I don't get peace in the mornings, not even five minutes before my head starts hurting. I've always wanted to be one of those happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-moment people but I've always been a 'stresser'.

I've been really down on myself lately and the way I am - who I am. I don't know if I was born to be this way or if life made me like this, there's a lot about me I would change if I could but my biggest challenge will be accepting the things I can't and, hopefully, learning to enjoy them.