Missing: My Brain...

 

I'm so Tired!

Sunday

Like last Sunday, this was a total YouTube-Day. I was still exhausted and determined to relax and get a good night's sleep; the hope was that I would be refreshed and raring to go for the week ahead. Did it happen? No! *Sob*

 

Monday

After a night of terrible sleep, that would precede a week of terrible sleep, Monday started early with a 9.00am appointment with the Vet', who happily told me my bad-tempered bunny is 'perfect'; perfectly healthy and perfectly capable of destroying my house whenever my back is turned. After taking Peter back home, where he hid from me in disgust, I had to rush back out to meet with my new Work-Coach. Not sure what a work-coach does yet as they left me waiting for over an hour only to tell me I had to go back and finish my induction another day! I'm happy to accept help if it's relevant but I don't like being treated like a fool.

 

Tuesday

I made pizza again - yum - and fries (such an unhealthy vegan) but my Mum, Sister and Nephew showed up to invite me to go birthday-cake-shopping. I scrambled around to get ready and Jesse decided to eat my fries! Then he developed an unusual bond with a Tesco trolley that only he could push, until he started running wild and the safety of elderly shoppers was threatened - what followed was the Mother of All Tantrums! (My nephew is 2 - 3 next week - but he's already h-u-u-u-g-e!)



The only words Jesse shrieks during this brief portion of his meltdown are "put me down" and "trolley". Thankfully his tantrum did tire him out a little so we could get him to bed early and I could sneak away to go home without incurring a second fit of rage. Again, love him to bits, and I did find the entire tantrum hysterical but, had he been my child, I probably wouldn't have seen the funny side.

 

Wednesday

Late! Late! Late! I made a point of sneaking home so I would be well-rested and ready to get up early (again) for a meeting my work-coach set up but it - just - didn't - happen! I missed my bus and get to get a different one, the first would have taken me straight to the meeting, the second required a change of bus down the line. I made it halfway on my journey and panicked, called ahead to warn them I would be late, only to be told that the meeting started at 10.00 - that's 10.00 and no later. So I apologised and went back home. ARGH! I was so frustrated; I shouldn't have missed the first bus, I should have left early enough to have a back-up plan - my brain was just not with it. The whole mess was 50% my fault, 50% bad luck and it 100% put me in a foul mood. I spent the rest of the day watching the Cheap Lazy Vegan on YouTube and using her recipes to make an enormous pile of food that I hoped would make me so full I would pass out. It kind of worked, I was very full and I was in bed by 6.30pm! That's ridiculously early to go to bed for me but the next day brought my work-trial with Westbrooke and I was adamant it would go better than this day's failure. 

 

Thursday

Late Again! Not only late, but an hour late after getting on the wrong bus and travelling to who-knows-where before getting scared enough to de-bus, go back where I started and pay more attention! Once again the brain was vacant! I knew how to get there, I had already been there for an interview - why did I have to try and make the journey 'easier' by getting on a bus I had never been on before to a place I barely know? Am I stupid? I actually considered going home and forgetting about the whole thing, once upon a time I would have, (when anxiety had control) the embarrassment of showing up an hour late would have been unthinkable. But I did it, I got there, I apologised, then I tried to prove I was worth hiring. It might have been convincing if I wasn't functioning with sloth-like speed. I think I did ok, I got the work done and I knew what I was doing - I really enjoyed it - I just know I could have been better if I could have engaged my brain! I hate my brain and I hate being tired!

 

Friday

After another very early night, I gave up on sleep at 5.00am and was having a bath by 6.00am - what!? I had to go outside again - fifth day in a row! It was my fortnightly trip to the old job-centre to sign for the pennies I need to live (that's not a dig, I am genuinely grateful to have JSA to keep me going). Then I came home and practically melted into a puddle of relief, I put on my PJ's and settled in front of the TV for a weekend of staying indoors (where I belong). I spent my Friday night drinking tea and sketching a rough outline of each 'panel' for the first issue of Folk-Lore, which really eased my tension.

 

Saturday

I slept! I slept! It took me two weeks but I finally slept *weeps with joy* and I felt so happy that I didn't have to put on any make up on or rush off to anywhere. I started season 2 of Maken-Ki (Maken-Ki:Two I believe it is called) and started scanning character designs to edit, which is still new to me and I don't have a graphics tablet yet so I had to use the mouse; after a few hours I had 'claw-hand'. That led me to the main activity of the day and the first mention of... The Giant Egg *groan* that I still have not finished with less than a week to go!! I'm fairly certain that my life will be completely dominated by the paper-mache-monster every day next week, so please don't expect an exciting post next Saturday. I may just post a giant photograph of the finished product with the title: NEVER AGAIN!

 

Yeah so, it's been a busy week with very little sleep, a lot of cock-ups, crying nephews (and aunts) plus a lot of progress vis-à-vis Folk-Lore. I considered showing some of my artwork but as I am still in the development stage (I keep changing things!) I didn't want to commit to anything just yet. Hope you all had a less stressful week, or that my week makes you feel better about it, and I sincerely hope that your upcoming week contains no glue, paint or eggs of any kind - NAHB x

 

"If you are going through Hell, keep going - Winston Churchill"  





 

What Happened This Week?

(I can't believe it - 2 consecutive posts!?)

Sunday

Sunday = Potato Day! Actually it's food-preparation-day; before the start of a new week I like to make sure I have a decent amount of food ready to cook during the week. Potatoes, though delicious and nutritious, are a nightmare to prepare if I'm feeling lazy - all the washing and the chopping etc. (I sound so lazy.) Rice and pasta are easy - whack in some water and let them do their thing but spuds need a little forethought...

This chop and steam method came from watching Freelee the Banana Girl on Youtube, I usually cook a batch straight away and plunge the rest in ice water to cool, put them into freezer bags, shake in some seasoning and freeze them for later. The rest of the day was pretty relaxed.                                                               Monday                                                                                                       Officially the start of the week and I did nothing! I actually started to feel really ill, of course I blamed my depression, which I always do - I never stop to think that I might be sick, I just automatically assume I'm having a 'down-day' (which probably triggers a down-day) and get annoyed with myself.

 

Tuesday

I figured out my throbbing headache and general ickyness was down to a sinus infection, something I get regularly but always forget about, my Mama suffers with sinusitis even more than I do and luckily for me, gets a steroid nasal spray on repeat prescription that I have been able to use. I gave up on painkillers a while ago but had to resort to taking them for my agony *sad face*.

 

Wednesday

(Still ill.) I spent all day researching and preparing for my interview the following day, I had 2 interviews this week; I have a process for job interviews that involves learning a few facts about the employer, practising answers to questions and jotting down a few of my own. I did everything possible to make myself feel better so I would be more alert; homemade saline solution, herbal tea and heat packs on my face. Unfortunately I didn't feel any dramatic results and I was extra grumpy because I haven't been sleeping all week (argh) - I HATE NOT SLEEPING! I'm basically like a baby, if I am hungry or tired, I am just unbearable to be around and so miserable, you'd  think the world was ending I feel so hopeless. Lack of sleep also intensifies my anxiety and puts my nerves on edge - not good.

 

Thursday

My first job interview in weeks and I got no sleep, woke up bloated as hell - I looked fat and gross - and I really wasn't feeling good about my chances. Thankfully, I gave myself enough time to try on a million outfits because the one I picked out the night before looked awful with my enormous stomach (thank you mother nature) and I eventually found a dress that disguised the majority of my tum. After breakfast and a cup of coffee I was feeling ready to face the world and am happy to report I wowed at my interview (I think); I can usually tell when an interview goes badly. I spent the rest of the day painting and gluing - I have less than 3 weeks to complete a giant egg I started almost 2 months ago (eek) but I'm really excited to see it finished and to watch Jesse crack it open on his birthday.

 

Friday

My second interview was very strange, halfway through I was put on the spot to prove my sales skills by 'selling' a pen. A pen! I had to create selling points for a ballpoint pen and try to convince my potential employer to buy it from me *cringe* and I babbled my way through it nervously, wondering what I was supposed to be saying and suspecting I had failed. I hate being put on the spot! Thankfully, Friday night brought some light relief in the shape of my crazy nephew - that's 2 weeks in a row of babysitting; my sister's social life is much more lively than my own. Jesse is currently obsessed with song/dance videos on Youtube like The Hokey Cokey/Pokey, One Little Finger and If Your Happy. I know all the words and all the moves!

 

Saturday

It's today! I'm still shocked, but very pleased, I remembered to write this post. Hopefully this means I am back to regular posts and back in to blogging (woop). This morning involved the usual Jesse tantrums, he also gets grumpy after very little sleep,

What happens when you attach a food bag clip to a toddler's trousers and he cannot figure out how to remove it :)

but me being the cow I am, I had to torment him further - which kind of distracted him but also further pissed him off. My sister and her fiancé came for Jesse after going to the gym and I was forced to look at my sister's incredibly toned body and think longingly back to when I was into my fitness and a lot leaner. Of course I was starving myself, exercising to excess and not taking care of my mental health. In many ways I am healthier now but I used to have a lot of pride in my appearance, which I can't say now. As a new vegan I am aware there is a journey to take and my body has to heal before I will see any improvements, patience has never been my strong suit but it is what I need! Give me patience!

 

Until next week, I am plodding along, still trying and looking forward to the future - and I hope you are too - NAHB x

 

My sister's fitness page (if you're interested): https://www.facebook.com/Loisdyefitness/

 

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - unkown

 

 

 





Crying Like A Little Girl

This week has been another rough one but I've been trying to channel my negative energy and swap my bad habits for healthier ones. All of a sudden I'm doubting everything, including the sertraline, which worked brilliantly for the first month and then it all went downhill. I'm back to 100% vegan and it's going much more successfully than the first attempt; I reasoned that, seeing as I was barely eating anyway, that cutting out dairy and eggs wouldn't be difficult.

I've been challenging myself lately, forcing myself to be more adventurous and say 'yes' more. Whenever I have one of those days where I just want to curl up and hide indoors all day I make myself move; I get up, put on my face and go outside. Allowing myself to wallow is not an option. It hasn't been easy but I have had a few good times as a result of my forced enthusiasm, most of them exhaust me. (It's a small improvement.)

I've been trying to shake things up recently, going vegan, changing up my exercise, colouring my hair and re-decorating, in an attempt to liven myself up and get happy again. My biggest problem is the return of my anger and agitation - it occurs at random and the only way I have to deal with it is exercise. I jump on the bike and cycle until I am too tired to feel wound up. It's an unbearable pressure and the exercise is only a temporary fix. Even sleep has turned on me - when I am managing to sleep I am having horrific nightmares! We are talking blood, dead frogs and being run over by trucks - not relaxing at all.

Today I tried to relax in a bath of Epsom salts and lavender oil and it was great, until I got out and curled up on the bathroom floor to sob for no apparent reason. Suddenly, everything was too much, everything I was trying to do became a hopeless waste of time that would eventually become more stress I wouldn't be able to handle. I am actually considering cancelling my university application - the degree I was so excited about getting is now terrifying me; will it be beneficial? Will I eventually quit anyway? Will I be able to work and study? How did something that made me so happy become such a stressful endeavour?

I wish I had something more positive to say, I really, really wish I did. I want to be able to tell the world that it gets better, that all mental and emotional difficulties can be overcome and everyday is a little bit easier but it's a rocky road with no clear destination in sight. Will I get a degree? Will I be a fully functional human being someday? Will I be able to eat and sleep like a normal person?

Only time will tell...

Not-A-Happy-Bunny x

Do Vitamins/Supplements Help Anxiety and Depression?

So, after a terrible month of unbearable mood swings, hiding in my bedroom and occasionally drinking until I black out - to ensure a 'good' night's sleep - I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor. Now, I hadn't been to see a professional about my problems in three years; I was scared, embarrassed and unwilling to accept there was a problem in my life I couldn't fix myself - I was a fool.

So on Tuesday morning I called my doctor and was told the earliest appointment was today (Friday), which I made, however, my brain immediately kicked into gear and started saying:

"I can do something to help myself, there must be something; that way I can go to the doctor and say - look I already did it, I don't need anything!"

So, I got straight on the internet and searched for 'natural remedies for depression' and the first couple of articles all raved on about the benefits of DHA (DOCOSAHEXAENOIC ACID) which is an Omega-3 fatty acid. DHA is essential for normal brain function and it is said that people suffering with anxiety are lacking in DHA. I also discovered the use of branch amino acids to counteract mania and encourage healthy sleep cycles. The two main source of this information where a manic depression forum called CureZone and an article called Balancing Brain Chemistry by Peter Smith. Both convinced me to go rushing to my nearest health shop and spend a considerable amount of money on DHA/Omega-3, Tysine, Taurine and a number of other supplements and vitamins in the hope that I would feel even a small improvement.

So back to the question: Do any of these supplements help with depression?

My doctor says: No.

As much as I trust my doctor's professional opinion I can't deny noticing some differences. My mood and general anxiety levels were unaffected, however, I did gradually notice I was sleeping much better compared to the previous weeks. The first night I was awake until 3am and woke at 8am, the second I fell asleep not long after 1am and woke (very sluggishly) at 11am and by the third (last night) I was asleep shortly after midnight and woke up at 9am - very normal.

I don't believe that any supplement will compare to professional treatment when you are in the grips of any mental health struggle but I have experienced certain benefits that have left me confused by my doctor's very blunt reply.

Anyway, I will be continuing with my newly acquired supplements as well as embarking on a new course of Sertraline (Zoloft) and having to contact a therapist to discuss my ever-growing fear of going outside and talking to ANYONE. I'm willing to try anything and I believe it is the best approach, I enjoy researching natural remedies and trying to help myself because I do not enjoy relying on other people - trust issues; a possible topic of discussion for my therapist.

All in all, after an unhappy week, I am experiencing a great sense of relief and, for tonight, I am a Happy Little Bunny x

P.s. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's scary but it's worth it.

What I Bought in Whitby and Reviews

Today I am going to go through everything I bought during my trip to the seaside on Wednesday and my thoughts on the products; so far there are clear winners and loser amongst my purchases.

So, the first shop I visited was Seashells and Gemstones (I think that's the name):

The crystals I chose are Amethyst and Citrine, both rough cut rather than gemstones as I already have gemstones of each. I prefer crystals in their natural form where possible, however, it is much easier to pop a gemstone into my pocket than a chunk of rough crystal, and I never leave the house without at least one. I have always used Amethyst for meditation and like to have it when I am doing a card reading, it's properties include protection and the ability to enhance psychic abilities. Citrine is a new favourite that was suggested to me by my psychic to help with concentration/focus, it is known to absorb negative energies and encourage success - it was recommended specifically to help me with my low feeling of self-worth. The tiger's eye pendant was also to encourage self-worth and to bring me courage - it was tested the very next day when I wore it to an exam; I was ill, had achieved zero sleep the night before and was in the grips of an anxiety attack that made me want to run  from the exam room only half way through the test! I stuck through it however and managed an 89% result even though I skipped several questions in order to get the hell out of there before I threw up.

My new wax melter is by far my favourite purchase from Seashells and Gemstones. It is a wax melter by Heart & Home, it was £9.99, and I love it. It's so dainty and decorative, plus I don't like air  fresheners because I am always worried about inhaling chemicals, and I prefer to burn incense normally but not any more. I actually received a Collectables wax melt gift set for Christmas that I am only now able to use and I am obsessed with them! The scents are subtle and yet they fill the whole room for hours.

When we go to Whitby, my sister has to pay a visit to Honeyz Handmade Bath Products for their handmade soaps and bath-bombs, which I tried for the first time recently.

The Jelly Baby Soap was £3 and it smells like wine gums, not jelly babies, but it's so cute and reasonably prized for the size, plus it doesn't dry out the skin like most soaps I have tried. They do have larger bath-bombs than the ones I bought, some shaped like cupcakes and various other desserts, however they were far too big for my liking and the smaller bombs were only ten for £2.25. The scents were had names like Ocean Breeze, Mango, Baby Powder etc. The mango is the only one I have tried so far but I only used one in my bath, which smelt great at first, but the scent had dissipated by the time the bath was full - so I have to remember two are needed.

Finally, my most 'important' buy of the day, and the one I was most enthusiastic about trying, was definitely the Deep Sleep Oil from Totally Natural Skincare.

After several sleepless nights I went straight to Totally Natural to look for anything to help me. I have been to this store many times before, usually for their headache roll-on remedy, and I know my brother-in-law's mother swears by their arthritis cream so I had high hopes for this oil - which was the only product in the Insomnia section. Honestly, I am not impressed yet, though I am unsure how much of it to apply; the instructions say to apply the oil to the chest and neck area before bed and it sinks in quite quickly. The scent and overall effect is quite calming, although the main scent (sweet almond oil) is powerful and not something I enjoy, however, I didn't sleep at all the first night I used it, so I don't think it should be branded as an insomnia remedy.

So, those are my top buys from Whitby and what I am thinking of them so far; some clear winners and definitely some disappointments. Regardless, it was a great day and I would rate my mood that day as: Very Happy Bunny.

Insomnia and a Family Day Out

Oh sleep, why do you hate me? I have never been a good sleeper, as a kid, my sister and I would go to bed and she would be asleep in minutes while I laid there staring at the ceiling for hours. I used to drift off eventually but as I've gotten older, it seems to take longer and longer for me to fall asleep - sometimes I just don't sleep at all. After a few sleepless nights I start to notice several changes in my mood; I'm usually more emotional and anxious when I am overtired, but most worryingly, I also become quite aggressive. This morning I had to be up early to get the train to Whitby for my nephew's birthday, I had probably achieved a maximum of one hours sleep - I only realised I must have nodded off at some point because I remember a very vivid dream about a man with an extra row of teeth in his neck, which he was having cleaned. (I hate my dreams.) Anyway, the anger surfaced; I threw my phone across my bedroom because I couldn't find my charger and almost screamed when I couldn't get to the kitchen because my Mum was messing around in front of me. Thankfully, I calmed down before I actually started screaming at her. 

On the train I started to get very excited, mainly because I could see all the little lambs and wild rabbits hopping around in the fields outside the window, and like most crazy people, I find animals to be quite relaxing. I also love the seaside, so I was really looking forward to today and a bit frustrated it had started so badly. 

My favourite thing to do in Whitby, and the thing I most excited for, is shopping for new crystals, because I love crystals and I hate ordering them from Amazon and paying ridiculous prices plus delivery for sub-par quality. I also feel much more satisfied when I can select my own crystals.

I make a point of visiting TotallyNaturalSkincare for their natural remedies, like their headache roll on, and today I purchased their Deep Sleep Oil for the first time, so hopefully I can sleep tonight. Sadly, I am just one of those people who is always getting headaches and occasionally migraines, but I hate having to take painkillers so I will always opt for a herbal/homeopathic remedies when possible.

My nephew was two today and I have to admit, it makes me feel a bit sad he's growing up so fast and that I haven't actually accomplished anything in the years he has been part of our lives. Part of me wants to work even harder to achieve my goals to show him he can do anything he wants to in life, because so many people give up and stop trying - I don't want that for anyone; life is not complacency. Life should be exciting!