What Happened This Week?

(I can't believe it - 2 consecutive posts!?)

Sunday

Sunday = Potato Day! Actually it's food-preparation-day; before the start of a new week I like to make sure I have a decent amount of food ready to cook during the week. Potatoes, though delicious and nutritious, are a nightmare to prepare if I'm feeling lazy - all the washing and the chopping etc. (I sound so lazy.) Rice and pasta are easy - whack in some water and let them do their thing but spuds need a little forethought...

This chop and steam method came from watching Freelee the Banana Girl on Youtube, I usually cook a batch straight away and plunge the rest in ice water to cool, put them into freezer bags, shake in some seasoning and freeze them for later. The rest of the day was pretty relaxed.                                                               Monday                                                                                                       Officially the start of the week and I did nothing! I actually started to feel really ill, of course I blamed my depression, which I always do - I never stop to think that I might be sick, I just automatically assume I'm having a 'down-day' (which probably triggers a down-day) and get annoyed with myself.

 

Tuesday

I figured out my throbbing headache and general ickyness was down to a sinus infection, something I get regularly but always forget about, my Mama suffers with sinusitis even more than I do and luckily for me, gets a steroid nasal spray on repeat prescription that I have been able to use. I gave up on painkillers a while ago but had to resort to taking them for my agony *sad face*.

 

Wednesday

(Still ill.) I spent all day researching and preparing for my interview the following day, I had 2 interviews this week; I have a process for job interviews that involves learning a few facts about the employer, practising answers to questions and jotting down a few of my own. I did everything possible to make myself feel better so I would be more alert; homemade saline solution, herbal tea and heat packs on my face. Unfortunately I didn't feel any dramatic results and I was extra grumpy because I haven't been sleeping all week (argh) - I HATE NOT SLEEPING! I'm basically like a baby, if I am hungry or tired, I am just unbearable to be around and so miserable, you'd  think the world was ending I feel so hopeless. Lack of sleep also intensifies my anxiety and puts my nerves on edge - not good.

 

Thursday

My first job interview in weeks and I got no sleep, woke up bloated as hell - I looked fat and gross - and I really wasn't feeling good about my chances. Thankfully, I gave myself enough time to try on a million outfits because the one I picked out the night before looked awful with my enormous stomach (thank you mother nature) and I eventually found a dress that disguised the majority of my tum. After breakfast and a cup of coffee I was feeling ready to face the world and am happy to report I wowed at my interview (I think); I can usually tell when an interview goes badly. I spent the rest of the day painting and gluing - I have less than 3 weeks to complete a giant egg I started almost 2 months ago (eek) but I'm really excited to see it finished and to watch Jesse crack it open on his birthday.

 

Friday

My second interview was very strange, halfway through I was put on the spot to prove my sales skills by 'selling' a pen. A pen! I had to create selling points for a ballpoint pen and try to convince my potential employer to buy it from me *cringe* and I babbled my way through it nervously, wondering what I was supposed to be saying and suspecting I had failed. I hate being put on the spot! Thankfully, Friday night brought some light relief in the shape of my crazy nephew - that's 2 weeks in a row of babysitting; my sister's social life is much more lively than my own. Jesse is currently obsessed with song/dance videos on Youtube like The Hokey Cokey/Pokey, One Little Finger and If Your Happy. I know all the words and all the moves!

 

Saturday

It's today! I'm still shocked, but very pleased, I remembered to write this post. Hopefully this means I am back to regular posts and back in to blogging (woop). This morning involved the usual Jesse tantrums, he also gets grumpy after very little sleep,

What happens when you attach a food bag clip to a toddler's trousers and he cannot figure out how to remove it :)

but me being the cow I am, I had to torment him further - which kind of distracted him but also further pissed him off. My sister and her fiancé came for Jesse after going to the gym and I was forced to look at my sister's incredibly toned body and think longingly back to when I was into my fitness and a lot leaner. Of course I was starving myself, exercising to excess and not taking care of my mental health. In many ways I am healthier now but I used to have a lot of pride in my appearance, which I can't say now. As a new vegan I am aware there is a journey to take and my body has to heal before I will see any improvements, patience has never been my strong suit but it is what I need! Give me patience!

 

Until next week, I am plodding along, still trying and looking forward to the future - and I hope you are too - NAHB x

 

My sister's fitness page (if you're interested): https://www.facebook.com/Loisdyefitness/

 

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - unkown

 

 

 





Chocolate, Pixlr and Pheobe Buffay Wisdom

This Easter Bunny doesn't want to  share...
 

What Happened This Week?

Sunday

Easter 2016 was probably the first Easter in about ten years that I actually enjoyed - I know I'm not a child and Easter loses its appeal to most people as they get older but for me, who hated all food, the idea of stuffing my face with chocolate was sickening. I can't even remember the last year I ate a chocolate egg but this year changed it all. With my new attitude to life and all of the delicious vegan options on the shelves this year I enjoyed this...

 



 This year I also helped arrange an egg hunt for my nephew and some of his friends (thankfully the rain held off until we had finished), plus a 'private' egg hunt for my nephew that involved hiding mini Thomas the Tank Engine toys inside plastic eggs; he definitely preferred the second hunt. By putting more effort into the Easter celebrations I had a lot more fun and I will be planning similar activities for 2017.

 

Monday

I had to check my diary for this one, I suppose Monday was a bit deflating after the excitement of Sunday. It doesn't appear to be a very happy day - with nothing to distract me I spent the day worrying about whether I would be able to afford enough food this month and wishing I could find a job. I hate unemployment; it's boring, frustrating and is no good for my self-esteem.

 

Tuesday

I remember Tuesday and not for anything good. I started the day feeling great, I had been offered the chance to work online posting ads on eBay, a job that was suspicious at first glance but I never imagined I would spend hours helping someone only to be blocked from eBay - FOR LIFE! I was so angry with myself for getting my hopes up and being so naïve that I fumed all afternoon, holding everything in until bed-time rolled around; I spent 40 minutes crying hysterically and writing in my diary about how stupid, useless, ugly - you name it, I was it. I calmed down of course, but only after listening to Butcher Babies through my headphones at full volume and taking my anger out on my sketch book. It frustrates me how easily I can be influenced by other people, situations that should only irritate me turn me into a crazy mess - I'm just glad I live alone and no one had to see me like that.

 

Wednesday

Luckily I had enough money to go food shopping, which got me out of the house - I try to get outside as much as possible but it's not always easy with the British weather to contend with. I am definitely more of an indoor person, however, I know that locking myself away from the world will only make me unhappy so I make the most of any opportunity to go out. After all the doom and gloom of Tuesday, Wednesday brought back my resolve and, thanks to my satiated hunger, I had the energy to focus. Firstly, I took some advice from the one and only Phoebe Buffay and wrote a list of things I want to achieve before I turn 27 (nothing involving a hippity-hop though) and I plan on setting myself smaller goals for each year of my life to come. I also began planning my route into the animation world, I love to write and getting published is still a huge ambition of mine, but it's my love of anime that led me to change my career-path slightly. I am a huge anime and manga fan, I recently re-watched every episode of Dragonball and am currently re-watching every episode Bleach. I enjoy American animation also, however, I love the developed storylines and amazing detail that Japanese animation has, as a child I dreamt of working in animation every time I watched Sailor Moon or Digimon but like most people I abandoned that passion for practicality. We should never forget our passions or give up on our dreams, this is why I dug out all of my art supplies and started drawing again, I've also applied to study media part time at my local college. I also discovered Pixlr, a web-based photo editor with some great artistic options that can transform simple sketches.

 

Before and After



Thursday

Sleepover Day! My 2 year-old nephew Jesse came to stay with my Mam and I (we always make a bed on my Mam's living room floor), so I spent most of the day, and night, running around like a lunatic and getting dived on; I love my nephew but oh-my-goodness children are exhausting!

 

Friday

After Jesse was picked up by my sister, I went home and cracked open a bottle of vodka - nuff said.

 

Saturday

Which brings me to today (well done if you made it this far)! I've been trying to get back into blogging more regularly and pondering different ideas, this weekly update on my life seemed like the best but I wasn't sure about the length; it's like a condensed version of my diary. The goal is to post every Saturday, keeping you up to date on my comings and goings, my meltdowns and my victory's, as well as posting to my second blog The Words That Fall, which is simply a poetry blog at the moment but is soon to contain my own original 'graphic novel' (50/50 words to graphics).

My only plans left for today are to watch The Vampire Diaries and continue building a paper mache egg for Jesse's birthday at the end of the month (I'm going to hide presents in it).

 

And that's my rundown of the week; 7 days of my weird, yet typically ordinary life. Amazing how much can happen in one week!

 

As if you could kill time, without injuring eternity - Henry David Thoreau





Dusting Myself Off:2016 Update

This time last year I was coming to the end of an incredible high, a short period in my life where mania took hold and convinced me I was finally happy. I was running on caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and blind hope; not a healthy combination. April 2015 marked the start of a journey I had attempted several times before, except this time, I didn't give up.

What I'm Taking
In the beginning I was researching a lot of supplements in the hope that I wouldn't have to rely on prescription medication for too long; I've never liked the idea of taking pills, probably because I never like to think of myself as being 'sick'. Acceptance of my anxiety and depression as an actual illness was a big step, I stopped taking supplements and decided to give the Sertraline a chance. I take 100mg daily, 50 in the morning and 50 at night, as well as a sublingual b12 supplement from Holland & Barrett (because I'm vegan, not for any medicinal purposes). I also stopped taking the contraceptive pill recently, after a decade of pumping fake hormones into my body I began to question what kind of negative effects those hormones could be having on my mind, after all, mood swings and PMS go hand in hand.

How I'm Living
As of January 12th 2016 I have been a fully-fledged vegan, eating primarily fruit and lot of rice, pasta and potatoes, really simplifying my diet to take the stress out of eating. It's working, slowly but surely, I am eating more regularly, as well as bigger portions, it still feels a little strange to be aiming for over 2,000 calories a day after a life-time of avoiding them but I am starting to enjoy food again, which is nice. I'm only working out every other day and it's usually just gentle cycling, I have tried to daily exercise but I need the day in between to rest; my body and mind are still healing.

What's Changed
The biggest change from last year is that I no longer live with my Mum, I have my own home, my own space and I'm not constantly surrounded by bad memories. I don't smoke anymore, I do have an e-cigarette for now, I very rarely drink alcohol or caffeine these days and I'm finally sleeping! I get between 8 and 10 hours a night  of actual sleep - no twitching or getting up, no rolling around or waking every couple of hours; I can sleep like a normal person!

So, What's Next??

 

I've finally found myself in a place in my life where I'm ready to move forward, I'm not consumed by the need to 'fix' myself, nor do I consider my anxiety/depression as a handicap that will hold me back. I'm planning to work on a new blog (and update this one more regularly) where I plan on writing, and possibly illustrating a novel/comic/graphic novel, and posting weekly issues, which I am very excited about. I'm looking into courses on graphics and animation, possibly a degree in creative writing, who knows? I can do anything.

 

 

When I started blogging I honestly had no idea what I was trying to achieve, I never imagined it would become so therapeutic or that I would be able to open up about myself in such a public forum. I would like to say thank you to anyone reading this, or any of my posts for that matter, there's nothing like the feeling that comes with knowing that someone out there believes my words are worth reading. 

 



Getting Back To Reality

I'm back and ... it's my birthday! 26 Years Old - Wow. I know it's not a recognised milestone, however, it is the first birthday I have ever had where I feel like I have some control over my future.

It hasn't been an easy few months. Living alone brought more stress than I expected, I have been very ill for almost two months with various viruses and several teeth infections that only added to my sour mood. My medication was increased to allow me to deal with my increased depression, but I have recently returned to my original dose of 50mg of Sertraline and 40mg of Propranolol daily (plus an occasional extra dose of Propranolol in case of an anxiety attack).

Moving brought problems for me that I thought I was in control of, problems involving food mostly. I should have seen it coming but I had been dealing with my eating disorder so well, eating regularly and healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of myself. Then I became responsible for running a home, paying the bills and food took a back seat; it became about what I could afford and not what I needed/what was best for me. My budget was very tight for the first few months and I am only just gaining balance with my finances and starting to relax a little. My house feels more like a home now.

I'm erratic right now, up and down, never sure what the next day will bring and hating it. My medication keeps me grounded, mania occurs less often and less intensively than before, my depression isn't as all-consuming as it once was, yet I am still struggling to feel happy. It's frustrating to know that all of these amazing changes are happening in my life and I can't truly feel the joy I know I should feel.

I keep asking myself: WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I do need a plan. Be it food or exercise, developing my social life, finding a job or getting back into my writing, something needs to happen. I've lost myself a little in the process of moving away from home and leaving my family issues behind me. Actually being able to live without the negativity and painful memories of my past has left an emptiness inside of me; I was so deeply-filled with darkness for so long that the loss of those burdens has left a hole I don't know how to fill. I'm lost.

 

 

Well, it's been a long time and I'm glad to be back because this blog is the only place in my world where I am truly honest and open about how I'm feeling; I've missed that.

 

To live is to hope; to give up is to die. 

I'm So Confused

So, the hard times continue...

This last month has been painful! My mind and body are so mixed up, I just don't know what's going on. All the toxins are coming out of my skin after 11 weeks since giving up smoking and I have been acne-riddled for weeks now. My chin especially has been a mess; my sister asked me earlier this week if I had a rash. I went through creams and washes, masks and scrubs, all of them useless, so as of two days ago, I'm cutting down on the face products because I know I'm only making it worse. A lot of people have suggested I go to the doctor for help but they don't understand all of the changes my body is going through, or that this will only be temporary. Spots are irritating but they are not my biggest concern.

A niggling, but ever-present, concern right now is my appetite. In the beginning I craved donuts, cakes and cookies, then I settled into a simpler eating plan of cereal, sandwiches, pasta and other 'sort of healthy' but quite basic foods. Unfortunately, as time goes by, my appetite is getting smaller and smaller; I haven't dared weigh myself because I don't want my mind to get excited about the loss and then become disappointed again later. I know I don't eat enough some days and I've been counting calories and aiming for 2000 a day to help me heal. I need food right now, yet can't bring myself to eat it, and when I do, everything is tasteless.

My mind is just numb. Before I was always so wound up that weeks would fly by without my realising; mania, anger, depression and anxiety broke up my days, leaving all the in-betweens as a blur of nothing. Now, I am completely and totally aware of every second of every day. It's difficult to deal with, I cannot lie, to go from living inside my own head while the world moves around me to seeing and experiencing everything. Part of me does try to retreat from it, my imagination tries to overpower the reality, especially during the hard moments of the last month.

Sometime It All Gets Too Much

It has been a struggle not to let myself sink into depression, it has become a familiar state for me (isn't that just tragic). Sometimes my only goal is this weekly update, but lately, it has been hard to force myself to publish my personal downfalls. I do it to remind myself how far I have come.
No one said this would be easy. If anyone reading this is going through anything similar I just want you to know that you are not alone; remember that you are changing your life for the better. Be proud of yourself and realise that people who love you are proud of you too, even if they don't know how to say it.

THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE SCARIEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE CLIMBING UP AND NOT DOWN.

Wasted Days

Okay, so six weeks ago I decided to try a high-carb vegan diet, lured in by the prospect of limitless calories, and it seemed like a great solution to ensuring I ate enough. Which I never do. A lifetime of eating problems and endless diets has ruined my relationship with food; some days I eat constantly, like an absolute pig, and others I barely remember to eat anything.

The vegan lifestyle was not my magical solution. There is no magical solution.

The biggest problem with my bad eating habits is that I simply don't realise I am not eating enough until I start to get ill and, like this morning, discover I cannot get out of bed because I am exhausted.

Today I woke up at 7.00am, ate two breakfasts as my stomach was gnawing on itself, and then went back to bed and slept until 1.00pm. I had to cancel all of my plans and spend the day feeling like a failure. In an attempt to finally take control of my bad habits I have started a food diary - an activity I have tried to avoid in the past because I don't want my life to revolve around calories! Sadly, I don't have much of a choice right now.

In my teenage years I was addicted to self-destruction and now, in my twenties, I am obsessed with self-improvement. So it seems like I embark on a new therapy/lifestyle technique almost every day in order to take control of my life, be it physical, spiritual or emotional. 

My latest methods include:

Writing down my daily food intake
Journalling
Recording all of my 'happy moments' to look over when I feel down
Using a daily planner
Exercising every day
Having a 'crystal bath' once a week, complete with candles, incense, healing crystals and meditative music

On paper, my life should be calm and collected, in reality, I am barely organised chaos.