Bored of Myself

So, it's been a while since I've posted...

I am experiencing similar feelings towards you (readers I have never met) to friends and family who have had to 'put up with' my anxiety, depression and general strange-ness for years. I feel like talking about my journey through life is a dizzying, two steps forward and five steps back story. This is not an enjoyable way to live so I can't imagine it is any more fun to read. I started this blog to force myself to stop hiding from my 'issues' and to connect with all of you out there who might be dealing with similar problems; I wanted to show you that you weren't alone.

As much as I know that it is a comfort to know you're not the only one feeling down, I had to stop and think about whether I was actually helping anyone by writing about my 'terrible' life and all the struggles I face. then writing about how 'happy I was, when I was really just going through a manic phase. I realised I can't really offer any advice because everyone is different, everyone deals with depression or anxiety etc. differently, plus everyone suffers different symptoms in varying degrees. Myself, I don't suffer with regular anxiety attacks after years of practising breathing exercises, however, when I am suffering with anxiety, I shake/tremble uncontrollably and feel like I'm going to throw up. As hard as I try I can't seem to really control these problems, although I sometimes think I can.

When I started this blog I thought we would be walking the road to my recovery, together, which could still happen - eventually. I just want to say that I won't be offering any advice or going into great detail about what I am attempting to 'fix' myself because I don't want to appear as though I am offering some sort of miracle cure. Honestly, 99% of everything I have tried after researching online, has not provided any noticeable or lasting effects, which is why I don't feel right recommending them.

I know this post has been quite long-winded, so to summarise:
I am planning on posting regularly again, I will still be honest about how I'm feeling but, hopefully, I will be more focussed on making my life better in general, rather than focussing solely on the 'bad' and how I'm trying to fix it, I want to talk more about what works (and what doesn't) to just be happy, regardless.

So, look forward to a more optimistic, healthy and positive me (I hope)....

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not -

 Denis Waitley

Holding On For Dear Life

So, after almost a decade of being on my local housing association's waiting list I have been offered a home. I have had five different jobs while waiting for this offer and it comes during a stint of  unemployment; I have very little savings and no career on the horizon. But I couldn't say no.

At the beginning of the year my friend and I paid for a psychic reading, the woman was welcoming, genuine and knew things about me no one could ever guess, and she foresaw three big, important life events that would arrive by the end of August. The first was a course of study, which was funny because I had arranged to start an IT course that very morning, since then I have committed myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and am currently being assessed for an apprenticeship within the NHS. That's a lot of study; prediction one definitely came true.

The second important change was going to be a move - finally getting a house of my own. I was probably most excited for this one as my current home (my mother's home) holds a lot of bad memories and years of unhappiness that are difficult to forget. Unfortunately, though I tried to my hardest to make it happen, being unemployed and having severe bouts of emotional turbulence made me give up on any possibility of it happening. Then, on Tuesday this week, I received a visit from the local housing officer; within twenty minutes I had viewed the property and agreed to take it. Prediction number two came as a complete surprise.

Prediction number three is yet to arrive though I have been told it will be man-shaped, older and very good for me. He has less than three weeks to get here!

I spent a lot of time thinking about what the psychic told me and wondering how she didn't see my breakdown or the last four month's of recovery, but I have concluded that even if she had, she probably wouldn't have told me. I had to choose to change - it had to be my decision. I couldn't have been influenced by anyone but myself, yet if I hadn't made the choice to change, I never would have gotten anything she promised me. I would have never had the courage or self-belief to study for a degree or even apply for the position I have within the NHS and the very idea of living alone would have terrified me; I would have denied myself all these new, exciting opportunities and continued to waste my life, living in fear.

So, maybe the psychic put these ideas in my head and I created my own path to them, or maybe she saw that a breakthrough was on it's way for me. Either way, the universe is throwing a lot at me right now and I'm handling it, somehow. Everything is still a bit of a struggle but it's getting easier, slowly but surely, I'm retraining my mind to ignore the doubts and the negative thoughts and focus on the good stuff, though right now I'm so busy preparing to move I don't have time to dwell on my bad stuff.

This Bunny's Starting Again x