Story Development and Weaponised Saliva



It's been a big, bad week on the depression-scale( I'd give it an 8), these weeks happen, they're a pain but it's a fact of life - for me anyway.

Sunday

Total YouTube-Day! I couldn't even guess how many DIY videos I watched for homemade cosmetics, skincare and tips/tricks for natural ways to deal with my infuriating face. I hate my skin *sad face* - it just gets worse as I get older. I developed acne when I was 24, same age I started going grey, then I started to notice dry patches of skin on my usually oily face; my skin literally drinks make-up, which is why I don't tend to wear a lot of it. The most interesting tip I learnt was using Calamine Lotion to treat acne, I use it in place of toner because toner burns! No idea if it works yet but we'll see.

I love a good, lazy Sunday, just relaxing, pampering and mentally preparing for the week ahead. Unfortunately my relaxing day was followed by a night of terrifying dreams where I was forced to watch people being eaten and then I was murdered - What!? (I don't like my brain sometimes.)

 

Monday

Such an irritating day - I must have received at least 6 text messages/phone calls from people asking me about my 'recent car accident'! I don't even drive and I think I would remember being in an accident; where do these people get my phone number? And why do they always sound pissed off when I tell them I have no idea what they're talking about? I never asked them to phone me! I was already tired and grumpy - all those calls did was exacerbate my bad mood.

 

Tuesday

I still hadn't caught up on my sleep and was pretty shattered, cue massive migraine, however, I got a lot of research done in regards to story/character development thanks to www.tvtrope.org who even had anime examples in their descriptions! It really helped me develop a clearer outline as well as spur my imagination to create better back-stories for my characters. I had some visitors (which never happens); my sister and nephew stopped by for a while and we ended up blowing up balloons and letting them go so they flew around the room. Sounds really stupid I know but Jesse thought it was hilarious and kept bringing the balloons back to be re-inflated, then they got all gross and 'spitty' and I had to shield myself while I got pelted with them! Thanks Lois.

 

Wednesday

Food-Day! I'm ridiculously frugal when it comes to buying food and I make sure that what I buy will last until I go shopping again, which means I get super excited for going food shopping because I have nothing to eat by then. When I got home I stuffed my face with homemade pizza, spaghetti and bananas with chocolate peanut butter - never had it before and oh my! I've just been eating it straight from the jar it's that good, plus it's certified vegan. As for 'work', I completed a full plan for the first issue of my comic/novel (not sure what to call it) which, after talking about it for so long, I am hoping to have posted the beginning of May; fingers-crossed. I can confirm that it will be called Folk-Lore, the first arc will be titles The Two World's Arc and the first issue is (probably) going to be 'Hello Uncle'.



Thursday

I got a £200 gas bill - what? Clearly someone has cocked that one up - I never have my heating on, I sit wrapped up in a duvet like an old lady so I'm never cold enough, or I'm already warm enough (does that make sense?). So I'm waiting for an explanation from British Gas about that, and an apology for the mild stroke they gave me.

 

Friday

Another job interview: I did not want to go to this! I was feeling pretty bad, still exhausted, completely unable to concentrate on anything or engage my brain in any way and I had to try and impress a panel of interviewers before taking a skills test *cries like Snoopy*. I don't think it went well but thankfully, and to my great relief, I got a call about last week's interview and have been asked to work a trial-day for a Property Administrator Apprenticeship. I know writer, illustrator and administration isn't a common mix of interests but my interests are 'creatively exhausting' and I find that organising information relaxes my mind. Not that writing/drawing stresses me in the normal sense; if any of you have experience with anxiety you'll know that often, when you get really into something and get really enthusiastic/excited about it, you can find it too stimulating. Personally, I find that if I get to that point and keep pushing past it, my hands and arms will start to tense and my brain will kind of buzz, which is usually a sign that it is way past midnight and I should go to bed. I need structure to stay sane I suppose. Coincidentally, Friday night was one of these times as I stayed up to work more on that thing that haunts my waking moments a.k.a. the giant egg. I must say I'm quite amazed at how it's progressing - it actually looks egg-shaped! I have 11 days to finish it - gulp. I'll post a picture once it's finished and possibly a video of my nephew smashing it open (while I cry).

Peter - original NAHB

 

Saturday

It's today! I really wanted to sleep in today, I stayed up until almost 2am and yet, when I rolled over to check the time this morning it was 7.16am! Why? Just why? I couldn't believe it, I would have been less annoyed it had said 7.16pm, that's how badly I wanted to catch up on my z's.  Today has been a total anime-binge-fest; I have watched back-to-back episodes of Bleach (Season 13 in it's entirety) and discovered a new show called Maken-Ki: Battle of Venus. I'm 10 episodes into Maken-Ki and am really enjoying the story, even if it's a little pervy and someone's flashing their boobies and/or their 'panties' every 5 minutes. I'm currently listening to Kerrang! and trying to decide which design program and graphics tablet to invest in - nothing too expensive of course; I'm still poor.

 

So, it's been a busy week, I just wish I could have enjoyed it a bit more. All I can do is hope next week will be better, there's going to be a trip to the vet (for Peter), a work trial and a mad rush to finish the egg before Jesse's birthday

 

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything - Bible



Chocolate, Pixlr and Pheobe Buffay Wisdom

This Easter Bunny doesn't want to  share...
 

What Happened This Week?

Sunday

Easter 2016 was probably the first Easter in about ten years that I actually enjoyed - I know I'm not a child and Easter loses its appeal to most people as they get older but for me, who hated all food, the idea of stuffing my face with chocolate was sickening. I can't even remember the last year I ate a chocolate egg but this year changed it all. With my new attitude to life and all of the delicious vegan options on the shelves this year I enjoyed this...

 



 This year I also helped arrange an egg hunt for my nephew and some of his friends (thankfully the rain held off until we had finished), plus a 'private' egg hunt for my nephew that involved hiding mini Thomas the Tank Engine toys inside plastic eggs; he definitely preferred the second hunt. By putting more effort into the Easter celebrations I had a lot more fun and I will be planning similar activities for 2017.

 

Monday

I had to check my diary for this one, I suppose Monday was a bit deflating after the excitement of Sunday. It doesn't appear to be a very happy day - with nothing to distract me I spent the day worrying about whether I would be able to afford enough food this month and wishing I could find a job. I hate unemployment; it's boring, frustrating and is no good for my self-esteem.

 

Tuesday

I remember Tuesday and not for anything good. I started the day feeling great, I had been offered the chance to work online posting ads on eBay, a job that was suspicious at first glance but I never imagined I would spend hours helping someone only to be blocked from eBay - FOR LIFE! I was so angry with myself for getting my hopes up and being so naïve that I fumed all afternoon, holding everything in until bed-time rolled around; I spent 40 minutes crying hysterically and writing in my diary about how stupid, useless, ugly - you name it, I was it. I calmed down of course, but only after listening to Butcher Babies through my headphones at full volume and taking my anger out on my sketch book. It frustrates me how easily I can be influenced by other people, situations that should only irritate me turn me into a crazy mess - I'm just glad I live alone and no one had to see me like that.

 

Wednesday

Luckily I had enough money to go food shopping, which got me out of the house - I try to get outside as much as possible but it's not always easy with the British weather to contend with. I am definitely more of an indoor person, however, I know that locking myself away from the world will only make me unhappy so I make the most of any opportunity to go out. After all the doom and gloom of Tuesday, Wednesday brought back my resolve and, thanks to my satiated hunger, I had the energy to focus. Firstly, I took some advice from the one and only Phoebe Buffay and wrote a list of things I want to achieve before I turn 27 (nothing involving a hippity-hop though) and I plan on setting myself smaller goals for each year of my life to come. I also began planning my route into the animation world, I love to write and getting published is still a huge ambition of mine, but it's my love of anime that led me to change my career-path slightly. I am a huge anime and manga fan, I recently re-watched every episode of Dragonball and am currently re-watching every episode Bleach. I enjoy American animation also, however, I love the developed storylines and amazing detail that Japanese animation has, as a child I dreamt of working in animation every time I watched Sailor Moon or Digimon but like most people I abandoned that passion for practicality. We should never forget our passions or give up on our dreams, this is why I dug out all of my art supplies and started drawing again, I've also applied to study media part time at my local college. I also discovered Pixlr, a web-based photo editor with some great artistic options that can transform simple sketches.

 

Before and After



Thursday

Sleepover Day! My 2 year-old nephew Jesse came to stay with my Mam and I (we always make a bed on my Mam's living room floor), so I spent most of the day, and night, running around like a lunatic and getting dived on; I love my nephew but oh-my-goodness children are exhausting!

 

Friday

After Jesse was picked up by my sister, I went home and cracked open a bottle of vodka - nuff said.

 

Saturday

Which brings me to today (well done if you made it this far)! I've been trying to get back into blogging more regularly and pondering different ideas, this weekly update on my life seemed like the best but I wasn't sure about the length; it's like a condensed version of my diary. The goal is to post every Saturday, keeping you up to date on my comings and goings, my meltdowns and my victory's, as well as posting to my second blog The Words That Fall, which is simply a poetry blog at the moment but is soon to contain my own original 'graphic novel' (50/50 words to graphics).

My only plans left for today are to watch The Vampire Diaries and continue building a paper mache egg for Jesse's birthday at the end of the month (I'm going to hide presents in it).

 

And that's my rundown of the week; 7 days of my weird, yet typically ordinary life. Amazing how much can happen in one week!

 

As if you could kill time, without injuring eternity - Henry David Thoreau





Dusting Myself Off:2016 Update

This time last year I was coming to the end of an incredible high, a short period in my life where mania took hold and convinced me I was finally happy. I was running on caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and blind hope; not a healthy combination. April 2015 marked the start of a journey I had attempted several times before, except this time, I didn't give up.

What I'm Taking
In the beginning I was researching a lot of supplements in the hope that I wouldn't have to rely on prescription medication for too long; I've never liked the idea of taking pills, probably because I never like to think of myself as being 'sick'. Acceptance of my anxiety and depression as an actual illness was a big step, I stopped taking supplements and decided to give the Sertraline a chance. I take 100mg daily, 50 in the morning and 50 at night, as well as a sublingual b12 supplement from Holland & Barrett (because I'm vegan, not for any medicinal purposes). I also stopped taking the contraceptive pill recently, after a decade of pumping fake hormones into my body I began to question what kind of negative effects those hormones could be having on my mind, after all, mood swings and PMS go hand in hand.

How I'm Living
As of January 12th 2016 I have been a fully-fledged vegan, eating primarily fruit and lot of rice, pasta and potatoes, really simplifying my diet to take the stress out of eating. It's working, slowly but surely, I am eating more regularly, as well as bigger portions, it still feels a little strange to be aiming for over 2,000 calories a day after a life-time of avoiding them but I am starting to enjoy food again, which is nice. I'm only working out every other day and it's usually just gentle cycling, I have tried to daily exercise but I need the day in between to rest; my body and mind are still healing.

What's Changed
The biggest change from last year is that I no longer live with my Mum, I have my own home, my own space and I'm not constantly surrounded by bad memories. I don't smoke anymore, I do have an e-cigarette for now, I very rarely drink alcohol or caffeine these days and I'm finally sleeping! I get between 8 and 10 hours a night  of actual sleep - no twitching or getting up, no rolling around or waking every couple of hours; I can sleep like a normal person!

So, What's Next??

 

I've finally found myself in a place in my life where I'm ready to move forward, I'm not consumed by the need to 'fix' myself, nor do I consider my anxiety/depression as a handicap that will hold me back. I'm planning to work on a new blog (and update this one more regularly) where I plan on writing, and possibly illustrating a novel/comic/graphic novel, and posting weekly issues, which I am very excited about. I'm looking into courses on graphics and animation, possibly a degree in creative writing, who knows? I can do anything.

 

 

When I started blogging I honestly had no idea what I was trying to achieve, I never imagined it would become so therapeutic or that I would be able to open up about myself in such a public forum. I would like to say thank you to anyone reading this, or any of my posts for that matter, there's nothing like the feeling that comes with knowing that someone out there believes my words are worth reading. 

 



Bored of Myself

So, it's been a while since I've posted...

I am experiencing similar feelings towards you (readers I have never met) to friends and family who have had to 'put up with' my anxiety, depression and general strange-ness for years. I feel like talking about my journey through life is a dizzying, two steps forward and five steps back story. This is not an enjoyable way to live so I can't imagine it is any more fun to read. I started this blog to force myself to stop hiding from my 'issues' and to connect with all of you out there who might be dealing with similar problems; I wanted to show you that you weren't alone.

As much as I know that it is a comfort to know you're not the only one feeling down, I had to stop and think about whether I was actually helping anyone by writing about my 'terrible' life and all the struggles I face. then writing about how 'happy I was, when I was really just going through a manic phase. I realised I can't really offer any advice because everyone is different, everyone deals with depression or anxiety etc. differently, plus everyone suffers different symptoms in varying degrees. Myself, I don't suffer with regular anxiety attacks after years of practising breathing exercises, however, when I am suffering with anxiety, I shake/tremble uncontrollably and feel like I'm going to throw up. As hard as I try I can't seem to really control these problems, although I sometimes think I can.

When I started this blog I thought we would be walking the road to my recovery, together, which could still happen - eventually. I just want to say that I won't be offering any advice or going into great detail about what I am attempting to 'fix' myself because I don't want to appear as though I am offering some sort of miracle cure. Honestly, 99% of everything I have tried after researching online, has not provided any noticeable or lasting effects, which is why I don't feel right recommending them.

I know this post has been quite long-winded, so to summarise:
I am planning on posting regularly again, I will still be honest about how I'm feeling but, hopefully, I will be more focussed on making my life better in general, rather than focussing solely on the 'bad' and how I'm trying to fix it, I want to talk more about what works (and what doesn't) to just be happy, regardless.

So, look forward to a more optimistic, healthy and positive me (I hope)....

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not -

 Denis Waitley

I'm So Confused

So, the hard times continue...

This last month has been painful! My mind and body are so mixed up, I just don't know what's going on. All the toxins are coming out of my skin after 11 weeks since giving up smoking and I have been acne-riddled for weeks now. My chin especially has been a mess; my sister asked me earlier this week if I had a rash. I went through creams and washes, masks and scrubs, all of them useless, so as of two days ago, I'm cutting down on the face products because I know I'm only making it worse. A lot of people have suggested I go to the doctor for help but they don't understand all of the changes my body is going through, or that this will only be temporary. Spots are irritating but they are not my biggest concern.

A niggling, but ever-present, concern right now is my appetite. In the beginning I craved donuts, cakes and cookies, then I settled into a simpler eating plan of cereal, sandwiches, pasta and other 'sort of healthy' but quite basic foods. Unfortunately, as time goes by, my appetite is getting smaller and smaller; I haven't dared weigh myself because I don't want my mind to get excited about the loss and then become disappointed again later. I know I don't eat enough some days and I've been counting calories and aiming for 2000 a day to help me heal. I need food right now, yet can't bring myself to eat it, and when I do, everything is tasteless.

My mind is just numb. Before I was always so wound up that weeks would fly by without my realising; mania, anger, depression and anxiety broke up my days, leaving all the in-betweens as a blur of nothing. Now, I am completely and totally aware of every second of every day. It's difficult to deal with, I cannot lie, to go from living inside my own head while the world moves around me to seeing and experiencing everything. Part of me does try to retreat from it, my imagination tries to overpower the reality, especially during the hard moments of the last month.

Sometime It All Gets Too Much

It has been a struggle not to let myself sink into depression, it has become a familiar state for me (isn't that just tragic). Sometimes my only goal is this weekly update, but lately, it has been hard to force myself to publish my personal downfalls. I do it to remind myself how far I have come.
No one said this would be easy. If anyone reading this is going through anything similar I just want you to know that you are not alone; remember that you are changing your life for the better. Be proud of yourself and realise that people who love you are proud of you too, even if they don't know how to say it.

THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE SCARIEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE CLIMBING UP AND NOT DOWN.

Creative Therapies

All I have is who I was
All I know is over because
I couldn't love when it was offered
I succumbed to fear and suffered
Now I seek a long-lost dawn
I pray my life to be reborn

During my darker moments of depression I had one release; poetry. I've always enjoyed writing and I find that any form of writing is therapeutic, yet poetry always came more naturally when I was feeling particularly low and helped to express a lot of the emotions I could never fully understand. I have always been interested in alternative therapies in lieu of medication (when possible) and soon developed several forms of creative outlets. I'm going to talk about some of the ways I stay positive and keep myself motivated.

Writing & Journal Therapy

Keeping a journal/diary is probably the easiest way to evaluate your day and track your progress. I've kept a diary for most of my life and have several books of pages filled with the ups-and-downs I experienced. Re-reading my earliest diaries can be quite shocking for me - when the depression subsides it can be east to forget how crippling it once was; I actually destroyed several of my diaries because they were full of self-hatred and offered nothing towards my recovery. On the whole, it is enjoyable to look back and realise how far I've come and it's important to deal with your feelings instead of bottling them up until they become too much to bear.

Ever since I started taking sertraline I have also been keeping a 'Feelings Journal' to deal with the main points of the day and how I felt/dealt with them. These are only short sentences that explain good and bad points during the day, mini bouts of mania and helps me track my sleep.

Writing fiction is my passion but also a great way to tackle personal themes that are important to me; I get to write about people with problems and figure out a way they can overcome them. It gives me the chance to transfer my past experiences and emotions onto a fictional person, which makes them easier to face.

Poetry

If your experiencing severe depression it can be difficult to write about your life in detail, which is why poetry is so helpful in releasing your feelings. It can be as long or short as you like; it doesn't have to rhyme - it doesn't even have to be good! It's a manifestation of your deepest, more complicated thoughts.

Art Therapy & Colouring

Like poetry, art/drawing is another creative outlet that take's little concentration, gives you something to do with your hands and occupies your mind. Again, it doesn't have to be good; I'm not the best artist and one of my favourite forms of art is painting to music. There's no structure involved in painting to music, you just pick a song or a playlist of music from the same genre and paint what you hear/feel.

Basic Painting

Painting with added detail

Above are two examples are my own attempts at painting to music - not great, not professional but they made me feel happy to make and I still enjoy looking at them now.

Colouring therapy is more meditative than drawing and perfect for those 'blah' moments when you feel like you're just sitting around wasting the day or just to need to unwind. There are colouring books for adults you can buy though I prefer to search for printable sheets on-line.

I know a lot of people deem being creative as a childhood pastime that is left behind when we become adults but there's no reason to give up on something you enjoy, no matter your age. Everyone needs an outlet, a way to let off steam and feel like you've accomplished something. It could be any of the few examples I have mentioned or any passion you prefer, as long as it is something you like to do! This is something personal and private to the individual - I don't show my art or poetry to anyone, and I would never share my diary and you don't have to share your emotional outlet/s with anyone either. Do something just for you x

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person your ever going to truly live with; is yourself - Nikki Rowe

Rediscover Your True Self

When we're born we are a blank canvas and everyone who meets us is waiting to see the type of person we will grow up to be. We're told we can be anything and encouraged to try everything, from food to sport to find out what it is we might be good at and, eventually, what we will do with our lives. It's a world of possibilities, encouragement and praise. But it doesn't last.

All children grow and discover, learning what they like and don't like, full of hopes for the future. All children change their ideal job multiple times; I wanted to be a vet, a dancer, a gymnast, an archaeologist, an artist and a writer - to name a few. It was a magical time where no dream was too big. Then I became a teenager, and like most people, reality started to overshadow my way of thought. I saw the world as a place I had to fit into, there were new rules and unexpected criticism. All of a sudden, parents, teachers and even friends, all had an opinion about my dreams and my choices; judgement came from every angle and I stopped talking about my hopes for the future. I stopped thinking about the future because surviving the present monopolised my time and energy.

As you get older, life becomes less about what you enjoy and more about what is expected of you. Career choices become about finance and security; food choices become about health and appearance; hobbies/interests have to accepted by your peers or you'll be labelled. As if being a teenager wasn't bad enough! You're now being told all of the foods you like are bad for you, they'll make you fat or give you spots. All the hobbies you enjoy are deemed embarrassing or a waste of time. You're even judged on the people you choose to be friends with, the music you enjoy and the clothes you wear.

At this point, all the years you spent discovering your identity seem pointless. A lot of people abandon their earlier pleasures and recondition themselves to like what's good for them because being different often invites ridicule and sometimes, loneliness. During this time of my life I was also experiencing mild depression and severe anxiety; I gave in and decided I wanted to be a chef. I made that decision purely because I thought it was easy to learn, reasonably well paid, and I was already working in a cafe when I wasn't in school. I stuck with the food industry for almost eight years before I admitted how miserable I was; cooking is an admirable skill and passion, but it wasn't mine.

Over the last two months I have really worked on myself, I put my health first for a change and have experienced unimaginable changes within myself. I have rediscovered my love of painting (I'm not the best but I enjoy it), I'm making time to read - when I was younger, before I turned fourteen, I would read several books a week and as I got older I gradually stopped and I don't know why. Most importantly, I have put faith in a dream and have dedicated myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and Creative Writing to increase my chances of achieving my writing goals. (I have also stopped dieting for the fist time in ten years.)

As an adult, I can honestly say I hate how much I changed myself to fit in; I was constantly seeking the approval/acceptance of others and never brave enough to accept myself. I wish I had never stopped dreaming, I wish we didn't have to be judged on what we do instead of who we are. If anyone else is feeling lost or unhappy I recommend thinking back to being a kid and remembering who you once were - then get to know that person again. We shouldn't lose anything when we grow - we should only gain. So do something that makes you happy and don't conform to anyone else's ideals.

The Time You Enjoy Wasting, Is Not Wasted Time 

- Bertrard Russel

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

New Habits and Learning to Function

It is the end of my second week on Sertraline and I am up to 50mg a day now, which didn't bring back any of the original side effects thankfully - the jaw clenching was very uncomfortable. I am living day to day at the moment, some mornings I wake up feeling cheerful and motivated while some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, usually because I have woken up several times during the night. The beauty of the Sertraline is that my mood swings are already less aggressive, I used to go from over-the-top-happy where I would talk non-stop and want to be outside, to complete soul-crushing despair that made me hide in my room. Now, I am more of a constant 'ok' with a few sad moments thrown in. On the face of it, this is an improvement, however, I can honestly say I do miss the crazy, happy times where I would be full of energy and enthusiasm because it would feel like I could do anything and it's a bit hard to feel optimistic right now.

Meh.

I am currently still alcohol free, which meant I missed out on night out recently (sad face), and I am trying to eat healthy and go to bed early - all things I never did before. I feel like I'm changing everything about myself in order to be better and finally enjoy life but I can't help wondering how much I have to change. I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be myself but, obviously, totally being myself wasn't working either. It's definitely a learning curve, it almost feels like I'm a teenager again trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going.

My biggest breakthrough actually came this morning when I sat down at my laptop and started writing again. Becoming an author has always been my one and only goal in life and I actually resigned before Christmas with the idea that all my free time would go into writing and I would finally finish something. Unfortunately, I was also very depressed at the time, and then went into a month-long manic phase where I wrote every day but then became depressed again and decided I didn't like what I had written. So I started again. Which was disheartening but life goes on and I will never be an author until I finish a book, so if that is the only good thing to come from any of this, I will be a happy bunny indeed.

I've read it can take months for Sertraline to really get to work and so far my only struggle has been dealing with my fluctuating appetite and a little fatigue; I'm looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life without anxiety or depression holding me back x