Creative Therapies

All I have is who I was
All I know is over because
I couldn't love when it was offered
I succumbed to fear and suffered
Now I seek a long-lost dawn
I pray my life to be reborn

During my darker moments of depression I had one release; poetry. I've always enjoyed writing and I find that any form of writing is therapeutic, yet poetry always came more naturally when I was feeling particularly low and helped to express a lot of the emotions I could never fully understand. I have always been interested in alternative therapies in lieu of medication (when possible) and soon developed several forms of creative outlets. I'm going to talk about some of the ways I stay positive and keep myself motivated.

Writing & Journal Therapy

Keeping a journal/diary is probably the easiest way to evaluate your day and track your progress. I've kept a diary for most of my life and have several books of pages filled with the ups-and-downs I experienced. Re-reading my earliest diaries can be quite shocking for me - when the depression subsides it can be east to forget how crippling it once was; I actually destroyed several of my diaries because they were full of self-hatred and offered nothing towards my recovery. On the whole, it is enjoyable to look back and realise how far I've come and it's important to deal with your feelings instead of bottling them up until they become too much to bear.

Ever since I started taking sertraline I have also been keeping a 'Feelings Journal' to deal with the main points of the day and how I felt/dealt with them. These are only short sentences that explain good and bad points during the day, mini bouts of mania and helps me track my sleep.

Writing fiction is my passion but also a great way to tackle personal themes that are important to me; I get to write about people with problems and figure out a way they can overcome them. It gives me the chance to transfer my past experiences and emotions onto a fictional person, which makes them easier to face.

Poetry

If your experiencing severe depression it can be difficult to write about your life in detail, which is why poetry is so helpful in releasing your feelings. It can be as long or short as you like; it doesn't have to rhyme - it doesn't even have to be good! It's a manifestation of your deepest, more complicated thoughts.

Art Therapy & Colouring

Like poetry, art/drawing is another creative outlet that take's little concentration, gives you something to do with your hands and occupies your mind. Again, it doesn't have to be good; I'm not the best artist and one of my favourite forms of art is painting to music. There's no structure involved in painting to music, you just pick a song or a playlist of music from the same genre and paint what you hear/feel.

Basic Painting

Painting with added detail

Above are two examples are my own attempts at painting to music - not great, not professional but they made me feel happy to make and I still enjoy looking at them now.

Colouring therapy is more meditative than drawing and perfect for those 'blah' moments when you feel like you're just sitting around wasting the day or just to need to unwind. There are colouring books for adults you can buy though I prefer to search for printable sheets on-line.

I know a lot of people deem being creative as a childhood pastime that is left behind when we become adults but there's no reason to give up on something you enjoy, no matter your age. Everyone needs an outlet, a way to let off steam and feel like you've accomplished something. It could be any of the few examples I have mentioned or any passion you prefer, as long as it is something you like to do! This is something personal and private to the individual - I don't show my art or poetry to anyone, and I would never share my diary and you don't have to share your emotional outlet/s with anyone either. Do something just for you x

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person your ever going to truly live with; is yourself - Nikki Rowe

Do Vitamins/Supplements Help Anxiety and Depression?

So, after a terrible month of unbearable mood swings, hiding in my bedroom and occasionally drinking until I black out - to ensure a 'good' night's sleep - I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor. Now, I hadn't been to see a professional about my problems in three years; I was scared, embarrassed and unwilling to accept there was a problem in my life I couldn't fix myself - I was a fool.

So on Tuesday morning I called my doctor and was told the earliest appointment was today (Friday), which I made, however, my brain immediately kicked into gear and started saying:

"I can do something to help myself, there must be something; that way I can go to the doctor and say - look I already did it, I don't need anything!"

So, I got straight on the internet and searched for 'natural remedies for depression' and the first couple of articles all raved on about the benefits of DHA (DOCOSAHEXAENOIC ACID) which is an Omega-3 fatty acid. DHA is essential for normal brain function and it is said that people suffering with anxiety are lacking in DHA. I also discovered the use of branch amino acids to counteract mania and encourage healthy sleep cycles. The two main source of this information where a manic depression forum called CureZone and an article called Balancing Brain Chemistry by Peter Smith. Both convinced me to go rushing to my nearest health shop and spend a considerable amount of money on DHA/Omega-3, Tysine, Taurine and a number of other supplements and vitamins in the hope that I would feel even a small improvement.

So back to the question: Do any of these supplements help with depression?

My doctor says: No.

As much as I trust my doctor's professional opinion I can't deny noticing some differences. My mood and general anxiety levels were unaffected, however, I did gradually notice I was sleeping much better compared to the previous weeks. The first night I was awake until 3am and woke at 8am, the second I fell asleep not long after 1am and woke (very sluggishly) at 11am and by the third (last night) I was asleep shortly after midnight and woke up at 9am - very normal.

I don't believe that any supplement will compare to professional treatment when you are in the grips of any mental health struggle but I have experienced certain benefits that have left me confused by my doctor's very blunt reply.

Anyway, I will be continuing with my newly acquired supplements as well as embarking on a new course of Sertraline (Zoloft) and having to contact a therapist to discuss my ever-growing fear of going outside and talking to ANYONE. I'm willing to try anything and I believe it is the best approach, I enjoy researching natural remedies and trying to help myself because I do not enjoy relying on other people - trust issues; a possible topic of discussion for my therapist.

All in all, after an unhappy week, I am experiencing a great sense of relief and, for tonight, I am a Happy Little Bunny x

P.s. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's scary but it's worth it.

Bad Habits and Lifelong Dreams

So, I have been struggling recently with my mood and I have been relying on some old habits to get me through; habits I would much rather be done with at this point on my life. As a teenager I started smoking and drinking far too young in an attempt to make myself happier and feel more confident but I eventually learnt that over-indulging in those types of behaviour where only making me worse.

Nowadays, I have a certain level of control over my bad habits, however, when I am experiencing a prolonged period of sadness or general frustration with myself I do tend to drink a bit more often and smoke a lot more. I would like to eventually quit smoking but my life and stress levels right now make it difficult for me to stop, plus it remains to be a guilty pleasure I feel reluctant to let go.

Last week was very hectic, lots of things to do and places to go, which was fun at the time, but as I spend so much time indoors, I tend to feel ridiculously drained after being so busy and I have been quite ill since Friday. I have been tired and have had horrible headaches, plus my sleeping is still rubbish, which has made my shaking more noticeable and made me very uncomfortable in all social situations.

I know anxiety is a very common condition throughout the world but I am yet to meet, or speak with, another person who trembles like I do; I am still relying on medication to stop my shaking and allow me to function. It's become quite embarrassing for me and I often wonder what people will think if they see me shaking; if I have to hand someone something or hold something in front of people I become very panicked. I wish I had the nerve to just say "I have an anxiety disorder, and that is why I shake" but I don't. Sigh.



The most disappointing side effect of such a low mood is that I never get anything done! All my life I have only ever had one dream: to be a writer. At the end of last year I quit my job, partially due to the stress it was causing me (I noticed my first grey hairs at 25) and also to focus on finishing my first novel/manuscript. When I am unhappy however, I write less and less, which is so frustrating and I get so angry with myself - which doesn't help. That's when I start to notice an increase in my drinking, usually when I am alone, and smoking, as well as watching a lot of t.v. and wasting days.

Staying motivated when it feels like the whole world is against you, and all you're ever going to be is a failure, is hard. However, I'm fairly confident the bad patch is coming to an end (for now). It might take me until the day I die to finish one book but I will finish it!

I have noticed a recent popularity in adult colouring books i.e. colouring therapy, which I am intrigued by. When I was younger I would love to draw and doodle and found it comforting but I would much rather draw my own pictures and colour them than spend ten times the normal amount of money for a colouring book, just because it's not for children.

Anyway, all in all, Not a Happy Bunny so far this week, but I am working on it x

Wasted Days

Okay, so six weeks ago I decided to try a high-carb vegan diet, lured in by the prospect of limitless calories, and it seemed like a great solution to ensuring I ate enough. Which I never do. A lifetime of eating problems and endless diets has ruined my relationship with food; some days I eat constantly, like an absolute pig, and others I barely remember to eat anything.

The vegan lifestyle was not my magical solution. There is no magical solution.

The biggest problem with my bad eating habits is that I simply don't realise I am not eating enough until I start to get ill and, like this morning, discover I cannot get out of bed because I am exhausted.

Today I woke up at 7.00am, ate two breakfasts as my stomach was gnawing on itself, and then went back to bed and slept until 1.00pm. I had to cancel all of my plans and spend the day feeling like a failure. In an attempt to finally take control of my bad habits I have started a food diary - an activity I have tried to avoid in the past because I don't want my life to revolve around calories! Sadly, I don't have much of a choice right now.

In my teenage years I was addicted to self-destruction and now, in my twenties, I am obsessed with self-improvement. So it seems like I embark on a new therapy/lifestyle technique almost every day in order to take control of my life, be it physical, spiritual or emotional. 

My latest methods include:

Writing down my daily food intake
Journalling
Recording all of my 'happy moments' to look over when I feel down
Using a daily planner
Exercising every day
Having a 'crystal bath' once a week, complete with candles, incense, healing crystals and meditative music

On paper, my life should be calm and collected, in reality, I am barely organised chaos.