Missing: My Brain...

 

I'm so Tired!

Sunday

Like last Sunday, this was a total YouTube-Day. I was still exhausted and determined to relax and get a good night's sleep; the hope was that I would be refreshed and raring to go for the week ahead. Did it happen? No! *Sob*

 

Monday

After a night of terrible sleep, that would precede a week of terrible sleep, Monday started early with a 9.00am appointment with the Vet', who happily told me my bad-tempered bunny is 'perfect'; perfectly healthy and perfectly capable of destroying my house whenever my back is turned. After taking Peter back home, where he hid from me in disgust, I had to rush back out to meet with my new Work-Coach. Not sure what a work-coach does yet as they left me waiting for over an hour only to tell me I had to go back and finish my induction another day! I'm happy to accept help if it's relevant but I don't like being treated like a fool.

 

Tuesday

I made pizza again - yum - and fries (such an unhealthy vegan) but my Mum, Sister and Nephew showed up to invite me to go birthday-cake-shopping. I scrambled around to get ready and Jesse decided to eat my fries! Then he developed an unusual bond with a Tesco trolley that only he could push, until he started running wild and the safety of elderly shoppers was threatened - what followed was the Mother of All Tantrums! (My nephew is 2 - 3 next week - but he's already h-u-u-u-g-e!)



The only words Jesse shrieks during this brief portion of his meltdown are "put me down" and "trolley". Thankfully his tantrum did tire him out a little so we could get him to bed early and I could sneak away to go home without incurring a second fit of rage. Again, love him to bits, and I did find the entire tantrum hysterical but, had he been my child, I probably wouldn't have seen the funny side.

 

Wednesday

Late! Late! Late! I made a point of sneaking home so I would be well-rested and ready to get up early (again) for a meeting my work-coach set up but it - just - didn't - happen! I missed my bus and get to get a different one, the first would have taken me straight to the meeting, the second required a change of bus down the line. I made it halfway on my journey and panicked, called ahead to warn them I would be late, only to be told that the meeting started at 10.00 - that's 10.00 and no later. So I apologised and went back home. ARGH! I was so frustrated; I shouldn't have missed the first bus, I should have left early enough to have a back-up plan - my brain was just not with it. The whole mess was 50% my fault, 50% bad luck and it 100% put me in a foul mood. I spent the rest of the day watching the Cheap Lazy Vegan on YouTube and using her recipes to make an enormous pile of food that I hoped would make me so full I would pass out. It kind of worked, I was very full and I was in bed by 6.30pm! That's ridiculously early to go to bed for me but the next day brought my work-trial with Westbrooke and I was adamant it would go better than this day's failure. 

 

Thursday

Late Again! Not only late, but an hour late after getting on the wrong bus and travelling to who-knows-where before getting scared enough to de-bus, go back where I started and pay more attention! Once again the brain was vacant! I knew how to get there, I had already been there for an interview - why did I have to try and make the journey 'easier' by getting on a bus I had never been on before to a place I barely know? Am I stupid? I actually considered going home and forgetting about the whole thing, once upon a time I would have, (when anxiety had control) the embarrassment of showing up an hour late would have been unthinkable. But I did it, I got there, I apologised, then I tried to prove I was worth hiring. It might have been convincing if I wasn't functioning with sloth-like speed. I think I did ok, I got the work done and I knew what I was doing - I really enjoyed it - I just know I could have been better if I could have engaged my brain! I hate my brain and I hate being tired!

 

Friday

After another very early night, I gave up on sleep at 5.00am and was having a bath by 6.00am - what!? I had to go outside again - fifth day in a row! It was my fortnightly trip to the old job-centre to sign for the pennies I need to live (that's not a dig, I am genuinely grateful to have JSA to keep me going). Then I came home and practically melted into a puddle of relief, I put on my PJ's and settled in front of the TV for a weekend of staying indoors (where I belong). I spent my Friday night drinking tea and sketching a rough outline of each 'panel' for the first issue of Folk-Lore, which really eased my tension.

 

Saturday

I slept! I slept! It took me two weeks but I finally slept *weeps with joy* and I felt so happy that I didn't have to put on any make up on or rush off to anywhere. I started season 2 of Maken-Ki (Maken-Ki:Two I believe it is called) and started scanning character designs to edit, which is still new to me and I don't have a graphics tablet yet so I had to use the mouse; after a few hours I had 'claw-hand'. That led me to the main activity of the day and the first mention of... The Giant Egg *groan* that I still have not finished with less than a week to go!! I'm fairly certain that my life will be completely dominated by the paper-mache-monster every day next week, so please don't expect an exciting post next Saturday. I may just post a giant photograph of the finished product with the title: NEVER AGAIN!

 

Yeah so, it's been a busy week with very little sleep, a lot of cock-ups, crying nephews (and aunts) plus a lot of progress vis-à-vis Folk-Lore. I considered showing some of my artwork but as I am still in the development stage (I keep changing things!) I didn't want to commit to anything just yet. Hope you all had a less stressful week, or that my week makes you feel better about it, and I sincerely hope that your upcoming week contains no glue, paint or eggs of any kind - NAHB x

 

"If you are going through Hell, keep going - Winston Churchill"  





Chocolate, Pixlr and Pheobe Buffay Wisdom

This Easter Bunny doesn't want to  share...
 

What Happened This Week?

Sunday

Easter 2016 was probably the first Easter in about ten years that I actually enjoyed - I know I'm not a child and Easter loses its appeal to most people as they get older but for me, who hated all food, the idea of stuffing my face with chocolate was sickening. I can't even remember the last year I ate a chocolate egg but this year changed it all. With my new attitude to life and all of the delicious vegan options on the shelves this year I enjoyed this...

 



 This year I also helped arrange an egg hunt for my nephew and some of his friends (thankfully the rain held off until we had finished), plus a 'private' egg hunt for my nephew that involved hiding mini Thomas the Tank Engine toys inside plastic eggs; he definitely preferred the second hunt. By putting more effort into the Easter celebrations I had a lot more fun and I will be planning similar activities for 2017.

 

Monday

I had to check my diary for this one, I suppose Monday was a bit deflating after the excitement of Sunday. It doesn't appear to be a very happy day - with nothing to distract me I spent the day worrying about whether I would be able to afford enough food this month and wishing I could find a job. I hate unemployment; it's boring, frustrating and is no good for my self-esteem.

 

Tuesday

I remember Tuesday and not for anything good. I started the day feeling great, I had been offered the chance to work online posting ads on eBay, a job that was suspicious at first glance but I never imagined I would spend hours helping someone only to be blocked from eBay - FOR LIFE! I was so angry with myself for getting my hopes up and being so naïve that I fumed all afternoon, holding everything in until bed-time rolled around; I spent 40 minutes crying hysterically and writing in my diary about how stupid, useless, ugly - you name it, I was it. I calmed down of course, but only after listening to Butcher Babies through my headphones at full volume and taking my anger out on my sketch book. It frustrates me how easily I can be influenced by other people, situations that should only irritate me turn me into a crazy mess - I'm just glad I live alone and no one had to see me like that.

 

Wednesday

Luckily I had enough money to go food shopping, which got me out of the house - I try to get outside as much as possible but it's not always easy with the British weather to contend with. I am definitely more of an indoor person, however, I know that locking myself away from the world will only make me unhappy so I make the most of any opportunity to go out. After all the doom and gloom of Tuesday, Wednesday brought back my resolve and, thanks to my satiated hunger, I had the energy to focus. Firstly, I took some advice from the one and only Phoebe Buffay and wrote a list of things I want to achieve before I turn 27 (nothing involving a hippity-hop though) and I plan on setting myself smaller goals for each year of my life to come. I also began planning my route into the animation world, I love to write and getting published is still a huge ambition of mine, but it's my love of anime that led me to change my career-path slightly. I am a huge anime and manga fan, I recently re-watched every episode of Dragonball and am currently re-watching every episode Bleach. I enjoy American animation also, however, I love the developed storylines and amazing detail that Japanese animation has, as a child I dreamt of working in animation every time I watched Sailor Moon or Digimon but like most people I abandoned that passion for practicality. We should never forget our passions or give up on our dreams, this is why I dug out all of my art supplies and started drawing again, I've also applied to study media part time at my local college. I also discovered Pixlr, a web-based photo editor with some great artistic options that can transform simple sketches.

 

Before and After



Thursday

Sleepover Day! My 2 year-old nephew Jesse came to stay with my Mam and I (we always make a bed on my Mam's living room floor), so I spent most of the day, and night, running around like a lunatic and getting dived on; I love my nephew but oh-my-goodness children are exhausting!

 

Friday

After Jesse was picked up by my sister, I went home and cracked open a bottle of vodka - nuff said.

 

Saturday

Which brings me to today (well done if you made it this far)! I've been trying to get back into blogging more regularly and pondering different ideas, this weekly update on my life seemed like the best but I wasn't sure about the length; it's like a condensed version of my diary. The goal is to post every Saturday, keeping you up to date on my comings and goings, my meltdowns and my victory's, as well as posting to my second blog The Words That Fall, which is simply a poetry blog at the moment but is soon to contain my own original 'graphic novel' (50/50 words to graphics).

My only plans left for today are to watch The Vampire Diaries and continue building a paper mache egg for Jesse's birthday at the end of the month (I'm going to hide presents in it).

 

And that's my rundown of the week; 7 days of my weird, yet typically ordinary life. Amazing how much can happen in one week!

 

As if you could kill time, without injuring eternity - Henry David Thoreau





Bored of Myself

So, it's been a while since I've posted...

I am experiencing similar feelings towards you (readers I have never met) to friends and family who have had to 'put up with' my anxiety, depression and general strange-ness for years. I feel like talking about my journey through life is a dizzying, two steps forward and five steps back story. This is not an enjoyable way to live so I can't imagine it is any more fun to read. I started this blog to force myself to stop hiding from my 'issues' and to connect with all of you out there who might be dealing with similar problems; I wanted to show you that you weren't alone.

As much as I know that it is a comfort to know you're not the only one feeling down, I had to stop and think about whether I was actually helping anyone by writing about my 'terrible' life and all the struggles I face. then writing about how 'happy I was, when I was really just going through a manic phase. I realised I can't really offer any advice because everyone is different, everyone deals with depression or anxiety etc. differently, plus everyone suffers different symptoms in varying degrees. Myself, I don't suffer with regular anxiety attacks after years of practising breathing exercises, however, when I am suffering with anxiety, I shake/tremble uncontrollably and feel like I'm going to throw up. As hard as I try I can't seem to really control these problems, although I sometimes think I can.

When I started this blog I thought we would be walking the road to my recovery, together, which could still happen - eventually. I just want to say that I won't be offering any advice or going into great detail about what I am attempting to 'fix' myself because I don't want to appear as though I am offering some sort of miracle cure. Honestly, 99% of everything I have tried after researching online, has not provided any noticeable or lasting effects, which is why I don't feel right recommending them.

I know this post has been quite long-winded, so to summarise:
I am planning on posting regularly again, I will still be honest about how I'm feeling but, hopefully, I will be more focussed on making my life better in general, rather than focussing solely on the 'bad' and how I'm trying to fix it, I want to talk more about what works (and what doesn't) to just be happy, regardless.

So, look forward to a more optimistic, healthy and positive me (I hope)....

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not -

 Denis Waitley

What Happened?

What should I do with my life?
It's a monumentally huge question and one that has taken a backseat to my depression for my entire life so far, just like my life has. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted; I used to believe that as long as I could write, nothing else mattered. But that's not realistic.

I didn't go to college - I was so consumed by anxiety and depression in my late teens that being surrounded by new people and thinking about the future left me a quivering wreck. So, instead of building a career, I took a job in a greasy café were I quickly became so depressed with my life I was getting drunk every night just to feel happy before the next day began. Things got progressively worse, I slowly became a shadow of the person I should have been.

At 26 I am closer to thirty than I am comfortable with and I have zero prospects. After several failed job interviews I have come to realise that trying to explain to possible employer that I left my previous job was because I was so depressed, that the idea of waking up in the morning made me want to cry and then bang my head off a wall. How am I supposed to 'sell myself' when I am just learning to like myself? I could go to college but what would I do? I'm currently experiencing a major transition period of my life, I don't know what direction to go in, I don't really know where I am, all I do know is that I have to do something! I can't keep sitting at home staring at the walls - it's not healthy and it is not helping my social anxiety.

So, for now, I'm stuck, trying desperately to find a solution to a problem I can't define and failing to figure out who I really am. I can't be the only person this confused I know, so if you're as lost and lonely as I am right now don't worry - you aren't really alone. Wherever you are, I'm right there beside you...

If there's no way out, how did you get in?

Getting Back To Reality

I'm back and ... it's my birthday! 26 Years Old - Wow. I know it's not a recognised milestone, however, it is the first birthday I have ever had where I feel like I have some control over my future.

It hasn't been an easy few months. Living alone brought more stress than I expected, I have been very ill for almost two months with various viruses and several teeth infections that only added to my sour mood. My medication was increased to allow me to deal with my increased depression, but I have recently returned to my original dose of 50mg of Sertraline and 40mg of Propranolol daily (plus an occasional extra dose of Propranolol in case of an anxiety attack).

Moving brought problems for me that I thought I was in control of, problems involving food mostly. I should have seen it coming but I had been dealing with my eating disorder so well, eating regularly and healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of myself. Then I became responsible for running a home, paying the bills and food took a back seat; it became about what I could afford and not what I needed/what was best for me. My budget was very tight for the first few months and I am only just gaining balance with my finances and starting to relax a little. My house feels more like a home now.

I'm erratic right now, up and down, never sure what the next day will bring and hating it. My medication keeps me grounded, mania occurs less often and less intensively than before, my depression isn't as all-consuming as it once was, yet I am still struggling to feel happy. It's frustrating to know that all of these amazing changes are happening in my life and I can't truly feel the joy I know I should feel.

I keep asking myself: WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I do need a plan. Be it food or exercise, developing my social life, finding a job or getting back into my writing, something needs to happen. I've lost myself a little in the process of moving away from home and leaving my family issues behind me. Actually being able to live without the negativity and painful memories of my past has left an emptiness inside of me; I was so deeply-filled with darkness for so long that the loss of those burdens has left a hole I don't know how to fill. I'm lost.

 

 

Well, it's been a long time and I'm glad to be back because this blog is the only place in my world where I am truly honest and open about how I'm feeling; I've missed that.

 

To live is to hope; to give up is to die. 

Crying Like A Little Girl

This week has been another rough one but I've been trying to channel my negative energy and swap my bad habits for healthier ones. All of a sudden I'm doubting everything, including the sertraline, which worked brilliantly for the first month and then it all went downhill. I'm back to 100% vegan and it's going much more successfully than the first attempt; I reasoned that, seeing as I was barely eating anyway, that cutting out dairy and eggs wouldn't be difficult.

I've been challenging myself lately, forcing myself to be more adventurous and say 'yes' more. Whenever I have one of those days where I just want to curl up and hide indoors all day I make myself move; I get up, put on my face and go outside. Allowing myself to wallow is not an option. It hasn't been easy but I have had a few good times as a result of my forced enthusiasm, most of them exhaust me. (It's a small improvement.)

I've been trying to shake things up recently, going vegan, changing up my exercise, colouring my hair and re-decorating, in an attempt to liven myself up and get happy again. My biggest problem is the return of my anger and agitation - it occurs at random and the only way I have to deal with it is exercise. I jump on the bike and cycle until I am too tired to feel wound up. It's an unbearable pressure and the exercise is only a temporary fix. Even sleep has turned on me - when I am managing to sleep I am having horrific nightmares! We are talking blood, dead frogs and being run over by trucks - not relaxing at all.

Today I tried to relax in a bath of Epsom salts and lavender oil and it was great, until I got out and curled up on the bathroom floor to sob for no apparent reason. Suddenly, everything was too much, everything I was trying to do became a hopeless waste of time that would eventually become more stress I wouldn't be able to handle. I am actually considering cancelling my university application - the degree I was so excited about getting is now terrifying me; will it be beneficial? Will I eventually quit anyway? Will I be able to work and study? How did something that made me so happy become such a stressful endeavour?

I wish I had something more positive to say, I really, really wish I did. I want to be able to tell the world that it gets better, that all mental and emotional difficulties can be overcome and everyday is a little bit easier but it's a rocky road with no clear destination in sight. Will I get a degree? Will I be a fully functional human being someday? Will I be able to eat and sleep like a normal person?

Only time will tell...

Not-A-Happy-Bunny x

I'm So Confused

So, the hard times continue...

This last month has been painful! My mind and body are so mixed up, I just don't know what's going on. All the toxins are coming out of my skin after 11 weeks since giving up smoking and I have been acne-riddled for weeks now. My chin especially has been a mess; my sister asked me earlier this week if I had a rash. I went through creams and washes, masks and scrubs, all of them useless, so as of two days ago, I'm cutting down on the face products because I know I'm only making it worse. A lot of people have suggested I go to the doctor for help but they don't understand all of the changes my body is going through, or that this will only be temporary. Spots are irritating but they are not my biggest concern.

A niggling, but ever-present, concern right now is my appetite. In the beginning I craved donuts, cakes and cookies, then I settled into a simpler eating plan of cereal, sandwiches, pasta and other 'sort of healthy' but quite basic foods. Unfortunately, as time goes by, my appetite is getting smaller and smaller; I haven't dared weigh myself because I don't want my mind to get excited about the loss and then become disappointed again later. I know I don't eat enough some days and I've been counting calories and aiming for 2000 a day to help me heal. I need food right now, yet can't bring myself to eat it, and when I do, everything is tasteless.

My mind is just numb. Before I was always so wound up that weeks would fly by without my realising; mania, anger, depression and anxiety broke up my days, leaving all the in-betweens as a blur of nothing. Now, I am completely and totally aware of every second of every day. It's difficult to deal with, I cannot lie, to go from living inside my own head while the world moves around me to seeing and experiencing everything. Part of me does try to retreat from it, my imagination tries to overpower the reality, especially during the hard moments of the last month.

Sometime It All Gets Too Much

It has been a struggle not to let myself sink into depression, it has become a familiar state for me (isn't that just tragic). Sometimes my only goal is this weekly update, but lately, it has been hard to force myself to publish my personal downfalls. I do it to remind myself how far I have come.
No one said this would be easy. If anyone reading this is going through anything similar I just want you to know that you are not alone; remember that you are changing your life for the better. Be proud of yourself and realise that people who love you are proud of you too, even if they don't know how to say it.

THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE SCARIEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE CLIMBING UP AND NOT DOWN.

Rediscover Your True Self

When we're born we are a blank canvas and everyone who meets us is waiting to see the type of person we will grow up to be. We're told we can be anything and encouraged to try everything, from food to sport to find out what it is we might be good at and, eventually, what we will do with our lives. It's a world of possibilities, encouragement and praise. But it doesn't last.

All children grow and discover, learning what they like and don't like, full of hopes for the future. All children change their ideal job multiple times; I wanted to be a vet, a dancer, a gymnast, an archaeologist, an artist and a writer - to name a few. It was a magical time where no dream was too big. Then I became a teenager, and like most people, reality started to overshadow my way of thought. I saw the world as a place I had to fit into, there were new rules and unexpected criticism. All of a sudden, parents, teachers and even friends, all had an opinion about my dreams and my choices; judgement came from every angle and I stopped talking about my hopes for the future. I stopped thinking about the future because surviving the present monopolised my time and energy.

As you get older, life becomes less about what you enjoy and more about what is expected of you. Career choices become about finance and security; food choices become about health and appearance; hobbies/interests have to accepted by your peers or you'll be labelled. As if being a teenager wasn't bad enough! You're now being told all of the foods you like are bad for you, they'll make you fat or give you spots. All the hobbies you enjoy are deemed embarrassing or a waste of time. You're even judged on the people you choose to be friends with, the music you enjoy and the clothes you wear.

At this point, all the years you spent discovering your identity seem pointless. A lot of people abandon their earlier pleasures and recondition themselves to like what's good for them because being different often invites ridicule and sometimes, loneliness. During this time of my life I was also experiencing mild depression and severe anxiety; I gave in and decided I wanted to be a chef. I made that decision purely because I thought it was easy to learn, reasonably well paid, and I was already working in a cafe when I wasn't in school. I stuck with the food industry for almost eight years before I admitted how miserable I was; cooking is an admirable skill and passion, but it wasn't mine.

Over the last two months I have really worked on myself, I put my health first for a change and have experienced unimaginable changes within myself. I have rediscovered my love of painting (I'm not the best but I enjoy it), I'm making time to read - when I was younger, before I turned fourteen, I would read several books a week and as I got older I gradually stopped and I don't know why. Most importantly, I have put faith in a dream and have dedicated myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and Creative Writing to increase my chances of achieving my writing goals. (I have also stopped dieting for the fist time in ten years.)

As an adult, I can honestly say I hate how much I changed myself to fit in; I was constantly seeking the approval/acceptance of others and never brave enough to accept myself. I wish I had never stopped dreaming, I wish we didn't have to be judged on what we do instead of who we are. If anyone else is feeling lost or unhappy I recommend thinking back to being a kid and remembering who you once were - then get to know that person again. We shouldn't lose anything when we grow - we should only gain. So do something that makes you happy and don't conform to anyone else's ideals.

The Time You Enjoy Wasting, Is Not Wasted Time 

- Bertrard Russel

New Habits and Learning to Function

It is the end of my second week on Sertraline and I am up to 50mg a day now, which didn't bring back any of the original side effects thankfully - the jaw clenching was very uncomfortable. I am living day to day at the moment, some mornings I wake up feeling cheerful and motivated while some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, usually because I have woken up several times during the night. The beauty of the Sertraline is that my mood swings are already less aggressive, I used to go from over-the-top-happy where I would talk non-stop and want to be outside, to complete soul-crushing despair that made me hide in my room. Now, I am more of a constant 'ok' with a few sad moments thrown in. On the face of it, this is an improvement, however, I can honestly say I do miss the crazy, happy times where I would be full of energy and enthusiasm because it would feel like I could do anything and it's a bit hard to feel optimistic right now.

Meh.

I am currently still alcohol free, which meant I missed out on night out recently (sad face), and I am trying to eat healthy and go to bed early - all things I never did before. I feel like I'm changing everything about myself in order to be better and finally enjoy life but I can't help wondering how much I have to change. I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be myself but, obviously, totally being myself wasn't working either. It's definitely a learning curve, it almost feels like I'm a teenager again trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going.

My biggest breakthrough actually came this morning when I sat down at my laptop and started writing again. Becoming an author has always been my one and only goal in life and I actually resigned before Christmas with the idea that all my free time would go into writing and I would finally finish something. Unfortunately, I was also very depressed at the time, and then went into a month-long manic phase where I wrote every day but then became depressed again and decided I didn't like what I had written. So I started again. Which was disheartening but life goes on and I will never be an author until I finish a book, so if that is the only good thing to come from any of this, I will be a happy bunny indeed.

I've read it can take months for Sertraline to really get to work and so far my only struggle has been dealing with my fluctuating appetite and a little fatigue; I'm looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life without anxiety or depression holding me back x