Taking Risks

I haven't been in school for almost ten years now and I can honestly say I hated it. My anxiety was peaking, I was socially awkward and terrified of being judged - which is common for a lot of people at that age but then they go to college and 'find' themselves and tend to be more confident and comfortable. I went to college for two months before I gave up and went into full time work. I found the classroom environment so uncomfortable, I had trouble concentrating because I was always tired and stressed, plus I was becoming severely depressed; I had no motivation, no aspirations and I was drinking far too much. Silly me.

Over time I sorted myself out and started trying to do more and think of ways to make my life better but I always struggled with the thought of returning to school because of my experiences even though I wanted to further my learning - my anxiety held me back. Years passed (I'm now 25) and fell into the thought process of believing I was too old to learn anything, I wouldn't be smart enough etc. I basically lost all confidence in myself.

Anyway, in March this year, I agreed to study for a small IT qualification to hopefully increase my chances of finding a job and build my confidence. I didn't sleep the night before my induction and I felt so confined surrounded by all these strangers while I was taking basic tests to determine my skill level but I survived and arranged to do the majority of my study at home plus one day a week in an actual class. At first I hated it. I was always nervous when anyone tried to talk to me and I panicked when it came to learning anything new. I studied with The Hope Foundation in Middlesbrough and I can honestly say the entire organisation is brilliant! The tutors and the volunteers were friendly and so amazing and I got high scores on all my assessments - it was a huge boost for me, not only to achieve something but to have people congratulating me and reminding me it is ok to feel proud. Pride is an emotion I usually reject, instead of feeling good when people say 'well done' I just feel tense and hope they change the subject. I find it hard to see the good in myself.

The last day of my IT course I sat down with my tutor who asked me about my plans for the future. She knew exactly how I was feeling and had obviously been paying close attention to me during the few months I had known her and she asked me to consider university. Of course I had considered it but my fears and insecurities had held me back. My tutor spent a lot of time telling me not to waste my potential and not to restrict myself. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced during this conversation - I have made so many mistakes that it often feels like most people have given up on me, so having someone sit in front of me and tell me they believe in me was overwhelming.

Long story short: I'm getting a degree!

It's a huge step forward for me and something I never thought would happen, Of course, my current state is still rather up-and-down so I am looking into online learning, specifically with the Open University, to avoid stressing myself out and giving up. I don't want to give up. I owe a lot to my tutor Rebecca and The Hope Foundation for helping me and I can't thank them enough for that.

 It doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never too late to change the future.

Here's to the next step....

Don't underestimate the power of your words. Be kind, smile, and you could change someones life; no matter how small the message, it could mean the world to someone who needs to hear it x

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

One Month Update

On May 16th this year I had one of my worst days; mania, depression, anxiety and alcohol-fuelled self-loathing occurred. Unlike every other dark episode of my life, this one finally broke me and I accepted that I have problems that required outside help to fix. I stopped drinking, stopped smoking and paid a visit to my doctor where I was prescribed Sertraline (zoloft) and advised to see a therapist, then I committed to learning everything I could that might help me live a better life.

After one week of taking Sertraline I noticed a huge difference in my mood and my anxiety levels, unfortunately it didn't last; my moods have definitely stabilised but my anxiety is still proving a regular struggle. Anxiety isn't going to be fixed by pills or supplements, though I am taking a fair few, but I'm confident that regular C.B.T. (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) will eventually make things easier. I'm still supplementing DHA and have recently started increasing my daily magnesium intake because I stopped sleeping again; I have cut down on sugar and caffeine, as well as restricting carbs before bed to help me sleep.  (I hate not being able to sleep - it makes my anxiety worse and puts me in a very bad mood.)

Meditation has become one of my favourite ways to relax over this last week, even though every time I ever attempted it before I could never clear my head enough to feel the benefits. The best thing for me was finding the right music to meditate to and my go-to track right now is Patrick Bernham's Archangelis, which is beautiful; the music changes between peaceful and uplifting, plus the song is over 26 minutes long - a perfect amount of meditation time for me.

My diet has changed weekly over the last month because my tastes and my appetite are all over the place thanks to the Sertraline but I am working hard to eat the right foods, even if the portions aren't big enough right now. I am eating a lot of spinach and seeds for the magnesium; I'm also using epsom salts and a magnesium spray to ensure I get enough.

My biggest achievement has definitely been giving up smoking and restraining from alcohol when my mood gets low; I'm confident that after a whole month without drinking that my attitude  towards it has drastically changed. I can survive depression and have fun without alcohol - it is possible. I have done a lot of research into the effects of alcohol on the brain and found that one third of people with major depression also have an alcohol problem but it's only a temporary fix; long term substance abuse only damages the brain. Being sober helps you reconnect with the real you and gets you out of the trap of believing you need something outside of yourself to feel happy. I highly recommend going sober for at least a month to feel the benefits and change the way you think about drinking in general, I know that if I go out or have a special occasion I can have one or two drinks IF I want to but drinking to excess in an attempt to block out my problems is never going to work. Also, not drinking has made giving up smoking a lot easier because I always smoked a lot more while drinking.

Obviously it has only been a month and I expect things will only keep getting better if I stay optimistic and keep taking care of myself. Life isn't going to magically become perfect and stay that way - we all have to keep trying and work at being the best we can be.

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." - Victor Kiam

Anxiety OR Fear

It's June! Almost halfway through the year already - yikes.
So, recently I took a trip to the fair with my sister and her family, where the two of us rode on several rides - including a roller-coaster - so not just little rides. As a child I always loved big rides and rarely shied away from any sort of exciting activity; I went on a school trip when I was eleven that involved climbing a large tree (possibly 20-30ft) and jumping for a trapeze bar while harnessed (I missed by miles). Reliving all of these memories, as my sister and I screamed and laughed hysterically while we were spun and thrown into the air, got me thinking about the differences between fear and anxiety.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking my sister and I are daredevils - we are not - neither of us is brave enough to handle the more extreme rides and, like most people, we spent the minutes before each ride (the ones were you are strapped in and there's officially no backing out) laughing nervously and, in my case, questioning my own sanity. However, I noticed distinct differences between those pre-ride butterflies and my regular anxiety, and between fear and anxiety in general.

Fear Is An Emotional Response To Real Danger

Anxiety Is A Psychological Disorder Triggered By Imagined Danger

For a long time I believed I couldn't have anxiety because there are few things I genuinely fear, until I realised my biggest fear was/is anxiety itself and began treating the two as separate conditions. Anyone who has ever experienced an anxiety attack will know the fear that sets in when you first start to feel the effects, but, unfortunately, fear and anxiety have the same symptoms, and so panicking about panicking will only make it worse - it's a vicious cycle. I have also noticed that excitement also invokes the same symptoms on occasion.

My Definitions:

Fear is the bodies reaction to stress/danger; hormones are released to allow the body to effectively react; it forces us to act. Having a phobia can often encourage a person to overcome their fear because they can identify the root cause. Once the danger has passed, the effects of fear usually go away.

Anxiety is triggered by the mind either recreating or fabricating a stressful/dangerous situation, and so the body reacts by releasing the same stress hormones as fear. However, as their is no danger, the body keeps releasing these hormones because it can't determine when it is safe.

To apply these definitions to my trip to the fair; I was afraid before riding a roller-coaster because it's fast, high up and sometimes rides malfunction - pessimistic thinking. This was natural. However, my anxiety over being in such a large crowd of people and flinching whenever anyone brushed against me, was my mind imagining all the bad things that COULD happen; my subconscious may have been remembering a time in my past where being surrounded by people ended badly.

This is where we were -

and this isn't even half of the queue to get in!

I can honestly say that learning and researching anxiety has helped me understand and come to terms with my condition more than I ever imagined. I encourage anyone who is suffering from any condition/disorder to learn as much as you can - it really reduces the fear.

Be smart, Be strong and Bravery will come x

My Resources

www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-fear-and-anxiety

www.innerhealthstudio.com/fear-and-anxiety.html

normalintraining.com/2015/04/13/anxiety-vs-fear