It hasn't been an easy few months. Living alone brought more stress than I expected, I have been very ill for almost two months with various viruses and several teeth infections that only added to my sour mood. My medication was increased to allow me to deal with my increased depression, but I have recently returned to my original dose of 50mg of Sertraline and 40mg of Propranolol daily (plus an occasional extra dose of Propranolol in case of an anxiety attack).
Moving brought problems for me that I thought I was in control of, problems involving food mostly. I should have seen it coming but I had been dealing with my eating disorder so well, eating regularly and healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of myself. Then I became responsible for running a home, paying the bills and food took a back seat; it became about what I could afford and not what I needed/what was best for me. My budget was very tight for the first few months and I am only just gaining balance with my finances and starting to relax a little. My house feels more like a home now.
I'm erratic right now, up and down, never sure what the next day will bring and hating it. My medication keeps me grounded, mania occurs less often and less intensively than before, my depression isn't as all-consuming as it once was, yet I am still struggling to feel happy. It's frustrating to know that all of these amazing changes are happening in my life and I can't truly feel the joy I know I should feel.
I keep asking myself: WHAT'S THE PLAN?
I do need a plan. Be it food or exercise, developing my social life, finding a job or getting back into my writing, something needs to happen. I've lost myself a little in the process of moving away from home and leaving my family issues behind me. Actually being able to live without the negativity and painful memories of my past has left an emptiness inside of me; I was so deeply-filled with darkness for so long that the loss of those burdens has left a hole I don't know how to fill. I'm lost.
Well, it's been a long time and I'm glad to be back because this blog is the only place in my world where I am truly honest and open about how I'm feeling; I've missed that.
To live is to hope; to give up is to die.
