Missing: My Brain...

 

I'm so Tired!

Sunday

Like last Sunday, this was a total YouTube-Day. I was still exhausted and determined to relax and get a good night's sleep; the hope was that I would be refreshed and raring to go for the week ahead. Did it happen? No! *Sob*

 

Monday

After a night of terrible sleep, that would precede a week of terrible sleep, Monday started early with a 9.00am appointment with the Vet', who happily told me my bad-tempered bunny is 'perfect'; perfectly healthy and perfectly capable of destroying my house whenever my back is turned. After taking Peter back home, where he hid from me in disgust, I had to rush back out to meet with my new Work-Coach. Not sure what a work-coach does yet as they left me waiting for over an hour only to tell me I had to go back and finish my induction another day! I'm happy to accept help if it's relevant but I don't like being treated like a fool.

 

Tuesday

I made pizza again - yum - and fries (such an unhealthy vegan) but my Mum, Sister and Nephew showed up to invite me to go birthday-cake-shopping. I scrambled around to get ready and Jesse decided to eat my fries! Then he developed an unusual bond with a Tesco trolley that only he could push, until he started running wild and the safety of elderly shoppers was threatened - what followed was the Mother of All Tantrums! (My nephew is 2 - 3 next week - but he's already h-u-u-u-g-e!)



The only words Jesse shrieks during this brief portion of his meltdown are "put me down" and "trolley". Thankfully his tantrum did tire him out a little so we could get him to bed early and I could sneak away to go home without incurring a second fit of rage. Again, love him to bits, and I did find the entire tantrum hysterical but, had he been my child, I probably wouldn't have seen the funny side.

 

Wednesday

Late! Late! Late! I made a point of sneaking home so I would be well-rested and ready to get up early (again) for a meeting my work-coach set up but it - just - didn't - happen! I missed my bus and get to get a different one, the first would have taken me straight to the meeting, the second required a change of bus down the line. I made it halfway on my journey and panicked, called ahead to warn them I would be late, only to be told that the meeting started at 10.00 - that's 10.00 and no later. So I apologised and went back home. ARGH! I was so frustrated; I shouldn't have missed the first bus, I should have left early enough to have a back-up plan - my brain was just not with it. The whole mess was 50% my fault, 50% bad luck and it 100% put me in a foul mood. I spent the rest of the day watching the Cheap Lazy Vegan on YouTube and using her recipes to make an enormous pile of food that I hoped would make me so full I would pass out. It kind of worked, I was very full and I was in bed by 6.30pm! That's ridiculously early to go to bed for me but the next day brought my work-trial with Westbrooke and I was adamant it would go better than this day's failure. 

 

Thursday

Late Again! Not only late, but an hour late after getting on the wrong bus and travelling to who-knows-where before getting scared enough to de-bus, go back where I started and pay more attention! Once again the brain was vacant! I knew how to get there, I had already been there for an interview - why did I have to try and make the journey 'easier' by getting on a bus I had never been on before to a place I barely know? Am I stupid? I actually considered going home and forgetting about the whole thing, once upon a time I would have, (when anxiety had control) the embarrassment of showing up an hour late would have been unthinkable. But I did it, I got there, I apologised, then I tried to prove I was worth hiring. It might have been convincing if I wasn't functioning with sloth-like speed. I think I did ok, I got the work done and I knew what I was doing - I really enjoyed it - I just know I could have been better if I could have engaged my brain! I hate my brain and I hate being tired!

 

Friday

After another very early night, I gave up on sleep at 5.00am and was having a bath by 6.00am - what!? I had to go outside again - fifth day in a row! It was my fortnightly trip to the old job-centre to sign for the pennies I need to live (that's not a dig, I am genuinely grateful to have JSA to keep me going). Then I came home and practically melted into a puddle of relief, I put on my PJ's and settled in front of the TV for a weekend of staying indoors (where I belong). I spent my Friday night drinking tea and sketching a rough outline of each 'panel' for the first issue of Folk-Lore, which really eased my tension.

 

Saturday

I slept! I slept! It took me two weeks but I finally slept *weeps with joy* and I felt so happy that I didn't have to put on any make up on or rush off to anywhere. I started season 2 of Maken-Ki (Maken-Ki:Two I believe it is called) and started scanning character designs to edit, which is still new to me and I don't have a graphics tablet yet so I had to use the mouse; after a few hours I had 'claw-hand'. That led me to the main activity of the day and the first mention of... The Giant Egg *groan* that I still have not finished with less than a week to go!! I'm fairly certain that my life will be completely dominated by the paper-mache-monster every day next week, so please don't expect an exciting post next Saturday. I may just post a giant photograph of the finished product with the title: NEVER AGAIN!

 

Yeah so, it's been a busy week with very little sleep, a lot of cock-ups, crying nephews (and aunts) plus a lot of progress vis-à-vis Folk-Lore. I considered showing some of my artwork but as I am still in the development stage (I keep changing things!) I didn't want to commit to anything just yet. Hope you all had a less stressful week, or that my week makes you feel better about it, and I sincerely hope that your upcoming week contains no glue, paint or eggs of any kind - NAHB x

 

"If you are going through Hell, keep going - Winston Churchill"  





Story Development and Weaponised Saliva



It's been a big, bad week on the depression-scale( I'd give it an 8), these weeks happen, they're a pain but it's a fact of life - for me anyway.

Sunday

Total YouTube-Day! I couldn't even guess how many DIY videos I watched for homemade cosmetics, skincare and tips/tricks for natural ways to deal with my infuriating face. I hate my skin *sad face* - it just gets worse as I get older. I developed acne when I was 24, same age I started going grey, then I started to notice dry patches of skin on my usually oily face; my skin literally drinks make-up, which is why I don't tend to wear a lot of it. The most interesting tip I learnt was using Calamine Lotion to treat acne, I use it in place of toner because toner burns! No idea if it works yet but we'll see.

I love a good, lazy Sunday, just relaxing, pampering and mentally preparing for the week ahead. Unfortunately my relaxing day was followed by a night of terrifying dreams where I was forced to watch people being eaten and then I was murdered - What!? (I don't like my brain sometimes.)

 

Monday

Such an irritating day - I must have received at least 6 text messages/phone calls from people asking me about my 'recent car accident'! I don't even drive and I think I would remember being in an accident; where do these people get my phone number? And why do they always sound pissed off when I tell them I have no idea what they're talking about? I never asked them to phone me! I was already tired and grumpy - all those calls did was exacerbate my bad mood.

 

Tuesday

I still hadn't caught up on my sleep and was pretty shattered, cue massive migraine, however, I got a lot of research done in regards to story/character development thanks to www.tvtrope.org who even had anime examples in their descriptions! It really helped me develop a clearer outline as well as spur my imagination to create better back-stories for my characters. I had some visitors (which never happens); my sister and nephew stopped by for a while and we ended up blowing up balloons and letting them go so they flew around the room. Sounds really stupid I know but Jesse thought it was hilarious and kept bringing the balloons back to be re-inflated, then they got all gross and 'spitty' and I had to shield myself while I got pelted with them! Thanks Lois.

 

Wednesday

Food-Day! I'm ridiculously frugal when it comes to buying food and I make sure that what I buy will last until I go shopping again, which means I get super excited for going food shopping because I have nothing to eat by then. When I got home I stuffed my face with homemade pizza, spaghetti and bananas with chocolate peanut butter - never had it before and oh my! I've just been eating it straight from the jar it's that good, plus it's certified vegan. As for 'work', I completed a full plan for the first issue of my comic/novel (not sure what to call it) which, after talking about it for so long, I am hoping to have posted the beginning of May; fingers-crossed. I can confirm that it will be called Folk-Lore, the first arc will be titles The Two World's Arc and the first issue is (probably) going to be 'Hello Uncle'.



Thursday

I got a £200 gas bill - what? Clearly someone has cocked that one up - I never have my heating on, I sit wrapped up in a duvet like an old lady so I'm never cold enough, or I'm already warm enough (does that make sense?). So I'm waiting for an explanation from British Gas about that, and an apology for the mild stroke they gave me.

 

Friday

Another job interview: I did not want to go to this! I was feeling pretty bad, still exhausted, completely unable to concentrate on anything or engage my brain in any way and I had to try and impress a panel of interviewers before taking a skills test *cries like Snoopy*. I don't think it went well but thankfully, and to my great relief, I got a call about last week's interview and have been asked to work a trial-day for a Property Administrator Apprenticeship. I know writer, illustrator and administration isn't a common mix of interests but my interests are 'creatively exhausting' and I find that organising information relaxes my mind. Not that writing/drawing stresses me in the normal sense; if any of you have experience with anxiety you'll know that often, when you get really into something and get really enthusiastic/excited about it, you can find it too stimulating. Personally, I find that if I get to that point and keep pushing past it, my hands and arms will start to tense and my brain will kind of buzz, which is usually a sign that it is way past midnight and I should go to bed. I need structure to stay sane I suppose. Coincidentally, Friday night was one of these times as I stayed up to work more on that thing that haunts my waking moments a.k.a. the giant egg. I must say I'm quite amazed at how it's progressing - it actually looks egg-shaped! I have 11 days to finish it - gulp. I'll post a picture once it's finished and possibly a video of my nephew smashing it open (while I cry).

Peter - original NAHB

 

Saturday

It's today! I really wanted to sleep in today, I stayed up until almost 2am and yet, when I rolled over to check the time this morning it was 7.16am! Why? Just why? I couldn't believe it, I would have been less annoyed it had said 7.16pm, that's how badly I wanted to catch up on my z's.  Today has been a total anime-binge-fest; I have watched back-to-back episodes of Bleach (Season 13 in it's entirety) and discovered a new show called Maken-Ki: Battle of Venus. I'm 10 episodes into Maken-Ki and am really enjoying the story, even if it's a little pervy and someone's flashing their boobies and/or their 'panties' every 5 minutes. I'm currently listening to Kerrang! and trying to decide which design program and graphics tablet to invest in - nothing too expensive of course; I'm still poor.

 

So, it's been a busy week, I just wish I could have enjoyed it a bit more. All I can do is hope next week will be better, there's going to be a trip to the vet (for Peter), a work trial and a mad rush to finish the egg before Jesse's birthday

 

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything - Bible



 

What Happened This Week?

(I can't believe it - 2 consecutive posts!?)

Sunday

Sunday = Potato Day! Actually it's food-preparation-day; before the start of a new week I like to make sure I have a decent amount of food ready to cook during the week. Potatoes, though delicious and nutritious, are a nightmare to prepare if I'm feeling lazy - all the washing and the chopping etc. (I sound so lazy.) Rice and pasta are easy - whack in some water and let them do their thing but spuds need a little forethought...

This chop and steam method came from watching Freelee the Banana Girl on Youtube, I usually cook a batch straight away and plunge the rest in ice water to cool, put them into freezer bags, shake in some seasoning and freeze them for later. The rest of the day was pretty relaxed.                                                               Monday                                                                                                       Officially the start of the week and I did nothing! I actually started to feel really ill, of course I blamed my depression, which I always do - I never stop to think that I might be sick, I just automatically assume I'm having a 'down-day' (which probably triggers a down-day) and get annoyed with myself.

 

Tuesday

I figured out my throbbing headache and general ickyness was down to a sinus infection, something I get regularly but always forget about, my Mama suffers with sinusitis even more than I do and luckily for me, gets a steroid nasal spray on repeat prescription that I have been able to use. I gave up on painkillers a while ago but had to resort to taking them for my agony *sad face*.

 

Wednesday

(Still ill.) I spent all day researching and preparing for my interview the following day, I had 2 interviews this week; I have a process for job interviews that involves learning a few facts about the employer, practising answers to questions and jotting down a few of my own. I did everything possible to make myself feel better so I would be more alert; homemade saline solution, herbal tea and heat packs on my face. Unfortunately I didn't feel any dramatic results and I was extra grumpy because I haven't been sleeping all week (argh) - I HATE NOT SLEEPING! I'm basically like a baby, if I am hungry or tired, I am just unbearable to be around and so miserable, you'd  think the world was ending I feel so hopeless. Lack of sleep also intensifies my anxiety and puts my nerves on edge - not good.

 

Thursday

My first job interview in weeks and I got no sleep, woke up bloated as hell - I looked fat and gross - and I really wasn't feeling good about my chances. Thankfully, I gave myself enough time to try on a million outfits because the one I picked out the night before looked awful with my enormous stomach (thank you mother nature) and I eventually found a dress that disguised the majority of my tum. After breakfast and a cup of coffee I was feeling ready to face the world and am happy to report I wowed at my interview (I think); I can usually tell when an interview goes badly. I spent the rest of the day painting and gluing - I have less than 3 weeks to complete a giant egg I started almost 2 months ago (eek) but I'm really excited to see it finished and to watch Jesse crack it open on his birthday.

 

Friday

My second interview was very strange, halfway through I was put on the spot to prove my sales skills by 'selling' a pen. A pen! I had to create selling points for a ballpoint pen and try to convince my potential employer to buy it from me *cringe* and I babbled my way through it nervously, wondering what I was supposed to be saying and suspecting I had failed. I hate being put on the spot! Thankfully, Friday night brought some light relief in the shape of my crazy nephew - that's 2 weeks in a row of babysitting; my sister's social life is much more lively than my own. Jesse is currently obsessed with song/dance videos on Youtube like The Hokey Cokey/Pokey, One Little Finger and If Your Happy. I know all the words and all the moves!

 

Saturday

It's today! I'm still shocked, but very pleased, I remembered to write this post. Hopefully this means I am back to regular posts and back in to blogging (woop). This morning involved the usual Jesse tantrums, he also gets grumpy after very little sleep,

What happens when you attach a food bag clip to a toddler's trousers and he cannot figure out how to remove it :)

but me being the cow I am, I had to torment him further - which kind of distracted him but also further pissed him off. My sister and her fiancé came for Jesse after going to the gym and I was forced to look at my sister's incredibly toned body and think longingly back to when I was into my fitness and a lot leaner. Of course I was starving myself, exercising to excess and not taking care of my mental health. In many ways I am healthier now but I used to have a lot of pride in my appearance, which I can't say now. As a new vegan I am aware there is a journey to take and my body has to heal before I will see any improvements, patience has never been my strong suit but it is what I need! Give me patience!

 

Until next week, I am plodding along, still trying and looking forward to the future - and I hope you are too - NAHB x

 

My sister's fitness page (if you're interested): https://www.facebook.com/Loisdyefitness/

 

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - unkown

 

 

 





Chocolate, Pixlr and Pheobe Buffay Wisdom

This Easter Bunny doesn't want to  share...
 

What Happened This Week?

Sunday

Easter 2016 was probably the first Easter in about ten years that I actually enjoyed - I know I'm not a child and Easter loses its appeal to most people as they get older but for me, who hated all food, the idea of stuffing my face with chocolate was sickening. I can't even remember the last year I ate a chocolate egg but this year changed it all. With my new attitude to life and all of the delicious vegan options on the shelves this year I enjoyed this...

 



 This year I also helped arrange an egg hunt for my nephew and some of his friends (thankfully the rain held off until we had finished), plus a 'private' egg hunt for my nephew that involved hiding mini Thomas the Tank Engine toys inside plastic eggs; he definitely preferred the second hunt. By putting more effort into the Easter celebrations I had a lot more fun and I will be planning similar activities for 2017.

 

Monday

I had to check my diary for this one, I suppose Monday was a bit deflating after the excitement of Sunday. It doesn't appear to be a very happy day - with nothing to distract me I spent the day worrying about whether I would be able to afford enough food this month and wishing I could find a job. I hate unemployment; it's boring, frustrating and is no good for my self-esteem.

 

Tuesday

I remember Tuesday and not for anything good. I started the day feeling great, I had been offered the chance to work online posting ads on eBay, a job that was suspicious at first glance but I never imagined I would spend hours helping someone only to be blocked from eBay - FOR LIFE! I was so angry with myself for getting my hopes up and being so naïve that I fumed all afternoon, holding everything in until bed-time rolled around; I spent 40 minutes crying hysterically and writing in my diary about how stupid, useless, ugly - you name it, I was it. I calmed down of course, but only after listening to Butcher Babies through my headphones at full volume and taking my anger out on my sketch book. It frustrates me how easily I can be influenced by other people, situations that should only irritate me turn me into a crazy mess - I'm just glad I live alone and no one had to see me like that.

 

Wednesday

Luckily I had enough money to go food shopping, which got me out of the house - I try to get outside as much as possible but it's not always easy with the British weather to contend with. I am definitely more of an indoor person, however, I know that locking myself away from the world will only make me unhappy so I make the most of any opportunity to go out. After all the doom and gloom of Tuesday, Wednesday brought back my resolve and, thanks to my satiated hunger, I had the energy to focus. Firstly, I took some advice from the one and only Phoebe Buffay and wrote a list of things I want to achieve before I turn 27 (nothing involving a hippity-hop though) and I plan on setting myself smaller goals for each year of my life to come. I also began planning my route into the animation world, I love to write and getting published is still a huge ambition of mine, but it's my love of anime that led me to change my career-path slightly. I am a huge anime and manga fan, I recently re-watched every episode of Dragonball and am currently re-watching every episode Bleach. I enjoy American animation also, however, I love the developed storylines and amazing detail that Japanese animation has, as a child I dreamt of working in animation every time I watched Sailor Moon or Digimon but like most people I abandoned that passion for practicality. We should never forget our passions or give up on our dreams, this is why I dug out all of my art supplies and started drawing again, I've also applied to study media part time at my local college. I also discovered Pixlr, a web-based photo editor with some great artistic options that can transform simple sketches.

 

Before and After



Thursday

Sleepover Day! My 2 year-old nephew Jesse came to stay with my Mam and I (we always make a bed on my Mam's living room floor), so I spent most of the day, and night, running around like a lunatic and getting dived on; I love my nephew but oh-my-goodness children are exhausting!

 

Friday

After Jesse was picked up by my sister, I went home and cracked open a bottle of vodka - nuff said.

 

Saturday

Which brings me to today (well done if you made it this far)! I've been trying to get back into blogging more regularly and pondering different ideas, this weekly update on my life seemed like the best but I wasn't sure about the length; it's like a condensed version of my diary. The goal is to post every Saturday, keeping you up to date on my comings and goings, my meltdowns and my victory's, as well as posting to my second blog The Words That Fall, which is simply a poetry blog at the moment but is soon to contain my own original 'graphic novel' (50/50 words to graphics).

My only plans left for today are to watch The Vampire Diaries and continue building a paper mache egg for Jesse's birthday at the end of the month (I'm going to hide presents in it).

 

And that's my rundown of the week; 7 days of my weird, yet typically ordinary life. Amazing how much can happen in one week!

 

As if you could kill time, without injuring eternity - Henry David Thoreau





Dusting Myself Off:2016 Update

This time last year I was coming to the end of an incredible high, a short period in my life where mania took hold and convinced me I was finally happy. I was running on caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and blind hope; not a healthy combination. April 2015 marked the start of a journey I had attempted several times before, except this time, I didn't give up.

What I'm Taking
In the beginning I was researching a lot of supplements in the hope that I wouldn't have to rely on prescription medication for too long; I've never liked the idea of taking pills, probably because I never like to think of myself as being 'sick'. Acceptance of my anxiety and depression as an actual illness was a big step, I stopped taking supplements and decided to give the Sertraline a chance. I take 100mg daily, 50 in the morning and 50 at night, as well as a sublingual b12 supplement from Holland & Barrett (because I'm vegan, not for any medicinal purposes). I also stopped taking the contraceptive pill recently, after a decade of pumping fake hormones into my body I began to question what kind of negative effects those hormones could be having on my mind, after all, mood swings and PMS go hand in hand.

How I'm Living
As of January 12th 2016 I have been a fully-fledged vegan, eating primarily fruit and lot of rice, pasta and potatoes, really simplifying my diet to take the stress out of eating. It's working, slowly but surely, I am eating more regularly, as well as bigger portions, it still feels a little strange to be aiming for over 2,000 calories a day after a life-time of avoiding them but I am starting to enjoy food again, which is nice. I'm only working out every other day and it's usually just gentle cycling, I have tried to daily exercise but I need the day in between to rest; my body and mind are still healing.

What's Changed
The biggest change from last year is that I no longer live with my Mum, I have my own home, my own space and I'm not constantly surrounded by bad memories. I don't smoke anymore, I do have an e-cigarette for now, I very rarely drink alcohol or caffeine these days and I'm finally sleeping! I get between 8 and 10 hours a night  of actual sleep - no twitching or getting up, no rolling around or waking every couple of hours; I can sleep like a normal person!

So, What's Next??

 

I've finally found myself in a place in my life where I'm ready to move forward, I'm not consumed by the need to 'fix' myself, nor do I consider my anxiety/depression as a handicap that will hold me back. I'm planning to work on a new blog (and update this one more regularly) where I plan on writing, and possibly illustrating a novel/comic/graphic novel, and posting weekly issues, which I am very excited about. I'm looking into courses on graphics and animation, possibly a degree in creative writing, who knows? I can do anything.

 

 

When I started blogging I honestly had no idea what I was trying to achieve, I never imagined it would become so therapeutic or that I would be able to open up about myself in such a public forum. I would like to say thank you to anyone reading this, or any of my posts for that matter, there's nothing like the feeling that comes with knowing that someone out there believes my words are worth reading. 

 



Bored of Myself

So, it's been a while since I've posted...

I am experiencing similar feelings towards you (readers I have never met) to friends and family who have had to 'put up with' my anxiety, depression and general strange-ness for years. I feel like talking about my journey through life is a dizzying, two steps forward and five steps back story. This is not an enjoyable way to live so I can't imagine it is any more fun to read. I started this blog to force myself to stop hiding from my 'issues' and to connect with all of you out there who might be dealing with similar problems; I wanted to show you that you weren't alone.

As much as I know that it is a comfort to know you're not the only one feeling down, I had to stop and think about whether I was actually helping anyone by writing about my 'terrible' life and all the struggles I face. then writing about how 'happy I was, when I was really just going through a manic phase. I realised I can't really offer any advice because everyone is different, everyone deals with depression or anxiety etc. differently, plus everyone suffers different symptoms in varying degrees. Myself, I don't suffer with regular anxiety attacks after years of practising breathing exercises, however, when I am suffering with anxiety, I shake/tremble uncontrollably and feel like I'm going to throw up. As hard as I try I can't seem to really control these problems, although I sometimes think I can.

When I started this blog I thought we would be walking the road to my recovery, together, which could still happen - eventually. I just want to say that I won't be offering any advice or going into great detail about what I am attempting to 'fix' myself because I don't want to appear as though I am offering some sort of miracle cure. Honestly, 99% of everything I have tried after researching online, has not provided any noticeable or lasting effects, which is why I don't feel right recommending them.

I know this post has been quite long-winded, so to summarise:
I am planning on posting regularly again, I will still be honest about how I'm feeling but, hopefully, I will be more focussed on making my life better in general, rather than focussing solely on the 'bad' and how I'm trying to fix it, I want to talk more about what works (and what doesn't) to just be happy, regardless.

So, look forward to a more optimistic, healthy and positive me (I hope)....

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not -

 Denis Waitley

What Happened?

What should I do with my life?
It's a monumentally huge question and one that has taken a backseat to my depression for my entire life so far, just like my life has. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted; I used to believe that as long as I could write, nothing else mattered. But that's not realistic.

I didn't go to college - I was so consumed by anxiety and depression in my late teens that being surrounded by new people and thinking about the future left me a quivering wreck. So, instead of building a career, I took a job in a greasy café were I quickly became so depressed with my life I was getting drunk every night just to feel happy before the next day began. Things got progressively worse, I slowly became a shadow of the person I should have been.

At 26 I am closer to thirty than I am comfortable with and I have zero prospects. After several failed job interviews I have come to realise that trying to explain to possible employer that I left my previous job was because I was so depressed, that the idea of waking up in the morning made me want to cry and then bang my head off a wall. How am I supposed to 'sell myself' when I am just learning to like myself? I could go to college but what would I do? I'm currently experiencing a major transition period of my life, I don't know what direction to go in, I don't really know where I am, all I do know is that I have to do something! I can't keep sitting at home staring at the walls - it's not healthy and it is not helping my social anxiety.

So, for now, I'm stuck, trying desperately to find a solution to a problem I can't define and failing to figure out who I really am. I can't be the only person this confused I know, so if you're as lost and lonely as I am right now don't worry - you aren't really alone. Wherever you are, I'm right there beside you...

If there's no way out, how did you get in?

Getting Back To Reality

I'm back and ... it's my birthday! 26 Years Old - Wow. I know it's not a recognised milestone, however, it is the first birthday I have ever had where I feel like I have some control over my future.

It hasn't been an easy few months. Living alone brought more stress than I expected, I have been very ill for almost two months with various viruses and several teeth infections that only added to my sour mood. My medication was increased to allow me to deal with my increased depression, but I have recently returned to my original dose of 50mg of Sertraline and 40mg of Propranolol daily (plus an occasional extra dose of Propranolol in case of an anxiety attack).

Moving brought problems for me that I thought I was in control of, problems involving food mostly. I should have seen it coming but I had been dealing with my eating disorder so well, eating regularly and healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of myself. Then I became responsible for running a home, paying the bills and food took a back seat; it became about what I could afford and not what I needed/what was best for me. My budget was very tight for the first few months and I am only just gaining balance with my finances and starting to relax a little. My house feels more like a home now.

I'm erratic right now, up and down, never sure what the next day will bring and hating it. My medication keeps me grounded, mania occurs less often and less intensively than before, my depression isn't as all-consuming as it once was, yet I am still struggling to feel happy. It's frustrating to know that all of these amazing changes are happening in my life and I can't truly feel the joy I know I should feel.

I keep asking myself: WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I do need a plan. Be it food or exercise, developing my social life, finding a job or getting back into my writing, something needs to happen. I've lost myself a little in the process of moving away from home and leaving my family issues behind me. Actually being able to live without the negativity and painful memories of my past has left an emptiness inside of me; I was so deeply-filled with darkness for so long that the loss of those burdens has left a hole I don't know how to fill. I'm lost.

 

 

Well, it's been a long time and I'm glad to be back because this blog is the only place in my world where I am truly honest and open about how I'm feeling; I've missed that.

 

To live is to hope; to give up is to die. 

Holding On For Dear Life

So, after almost a decade of being on my local housing association's waiting list I have been offered a home. I have had five different jobs while waiting for this offer and it comes during a stint of  unemployment; I have very little savings and no career on the horizon. But I couldn't say no.

At the beginning of the year my friend and I paid for a psychic reading, the woman was welcoming, genuine and knew things about me no one could ever guess, and she foresaw three big, important life events that would arrive by the end of August. The first was a course of study, which was funny because I had arranged to start an IT course that very morning, since then I have committed myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and am currently being assessed for an apprenticeship within the NHS. That's a lot of study; prediction one definitely came true.

The second important change was going to be a move - finally getting a house of my own. I was probably most excited for this one as my current home (my mother's home) holds a lot of bad memories and years of unhappiness that are difficult to forget. Unfortunately, though I tried to my hardest to make it happen, being unemployed and having severe bouts of emotional turbulence made me give up on any possibility of it happening. Then, on Tuesday this week, I received a visit from the local housing officer; within twenty minutes I had viewed the property and agreed to take it. Prediction number two came as a complete surprise.

Prediction number three is yet to arrive though I have been told it will be man-shaped, older and very good for me. He has less than three weeks to get here!

I spent a lot of time thinking about what the psychic told me and wondering how she didn't see my breakdown or the last four month's of recovery, but I have concluded that even if she had, she probably wouldn't have told me. I had to choose to change - it had to be my decision. I couldn't have been influenced by anyone but myself, yet if I hadn't made the choice to change, I never would have gotten anything she promised me. I would have never had the courage or self-belief to study for a degree or even apply for the position I have within the NHS and the very idea of living alone would have terrified me; I would have denied myself all these new, exciting opportunities and continued to waste my life, living in fear.

So, maybe the psychic put these ideas in my head and I created my own path to them, or maybe she saw that a breakthrough was on it's way for me. Either way, the universe is throwing a lot at me right now and I'm handling it, somehow. Everything is still a bit of a struggle but it's getting easier, slowly but surely, I'm retraining my mind to ignore the doubts and the negative thoughts and focus on the good stuff, though right now I'm so busy preparing to move I don't have time to dwell on my bad stuff.

This Bunny's Starting Again x

Crying Like A Little Girl

This week has been another rough one but I've been trying to channel my negative energy and swap my bad habits for healthier ones. All of a sudden I'm doubting everything, including the sertraline, which worked brilliantly for the first month and then it all went downhill. I'm back to 100% vegan and it's going much more successfully than the first attempt; I reasoned that, seeing as I was barely eating anyway, that cutting out dairy and eggs wouldn't be difficult.

I've been challenging myself lately, forcing myself to be more adventurous and say 'yes' more. Whenever I have one of those days where I just want to curl up and hide indoors all day I make myself move; I get up, put on my face and go outside. Allowing myself to wallow is not an option. It hasn't been easy but I have had a few good times as a result of my forced enthusiasm, most of them exhaust me. (It's a small improvement.)

I've been trying to shake things up recently, going vegan, changing up my exercise, colouring my hair and re-decorating, in an attempt to liven myself up and get happy again. My biggest problem is the return of my anger and agitation - it occurs at random and the only way I have to deal with it is exercise. I jump on the bike and cycle until I am too tired to feel wound up. It's an unbearable pressure and the exercise is only a temporary fix. Even sleep has turned on me - when I am managing to sleep I am having horrific nightmares! We are talking blood, dead frogs and being run over by trucks - not relaxing at all.

Today I tried to relax in a bath of Epsom salts and lavender oil and it was great, until I got out and curled up on the bathroom floor to sob for no apparent reason. Suddenly, everything was too much, everything I was trying to do became a hopeless waste of time that would eventually become more stress I wouldn't be able to handle. I am actually considering cancelling my university application - the degree I was so excited about getting is now terrifying me; will it be beneficial? Will I eventually quit anyway? Will I be able to work and study? How did something that made me so happy become such a stressful endeavour?

I wish I had something more positive to say, I really, really wish I did. I want to be able to tell the world that it gets better, that all mental and emotional difficulties can be overcome and everyday is a little bit easier but it's a rocky road with no clear destination in sight. Will I get a degree? Will I be a fully functional human being someday? Will I be able to eat and sleep like a normal person?

Only time will tell...

Not-A-Happy-Bunny x

An Interview & A Meltdown

I had a job interview this afternoon, my first in two years and my first ever on medication/suffering a bad bout of depression. Usually the idea of being judged and questioned terrifies me but today was bearable. There was a distinct ominous feeling on the journey there, plus a bad case of the sweats, however, the meeting was brief, relaxed and I only said 'sort of' twice. Relief! Whether I got the job is still unsure but I walked away with  an immense sense of pride knowing I did my best and I DID NOT SHAKE! Nerves, excitement, fear - any and very emotion manifests into shaking with me and each day I get through without the shakes is a victory for me. There is no symptom of anxiety I hate worse than the uncontrollable tremors that have made me self-conscious for almost a decade.

Today's victory meant so much more after my recent weeks of doom and gloom. I can't stop putting pressure on myself - everything has to better and it has to be better right now, or it's simply not good enough. I make big plans, have grand expectations and even greater disappointments. I try to relax, I really do, but there's no pill in the world capable of slowing down my brain. It's my constant thinking and planning that keeps me up at night, then I wake up and it starts all over again; I don't get peace in the mornings, not even five minutes before my head starts hurting. I've always wanted to be one of those happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-moment people but I've always been a 'stresser'.

I've been really down on myself lately and the way I am - who I am. I don't know if I was born to be this way or if life made me like this, there's a lot about me I would change if I could but my biggest challenge will be accepting the things I can't and, hopefully, learning to enjoy them.

Frustrations

I have to get this out - this week has been A-W-F-U-L!

I'm tired, not sleeping, feeling unmotivated, my head hurts, my body aches and I can't seem to shake off a cold I've been suffering with for the past fortnight. The only thing that has kept me going recently is planning the big move - I'm 25 and living at home! I moved out when I was eighteen and moved back when I was 21, depressed and spiralling  downwards. I've been saving all my spare pounds and pennies to try and amass just enough to get my freedom back and move my life forward and planning how to spend that money has been my only source of excitement lately. Until this week happened, I was doing really well; the end was in sight!

In one day I experienced two enormous nightmare situations that bit a huge chunk out of my savings, completely out of the blue. Dentist bill + Bank Charges = Hell! I almost cracked. I wanted to scream, cry, drink, smoke, throw things, rip out my hair, punch the walls and lose all control in reaction to this unexpected, and horrifying, setback. I stomped around the house for almost an hour, holding back tears and thinking about vodka and cigarettes, trying to convince myself that losing it just once wouldn't be the worst thing. Everyone breaks down sometimes - right? I came so close to ruining all my hard work and making everything worse.  All these emotions were building up in my head until I thought I might explode if I didn't find a way to release my frustration.

Do you want to know what broke it all? The thing that made me laugh and snapped me out of my murderous rage? I watched an old episode of 8 Simple Rules on YouTube - and I laughed, and that small emotional expression relieved so much tension I smiled even wider at my own silliness. I put all my energy into cleaning and then arranging my finances to accommodate my new debts, after which a sense of calm settled over me.

I suppose the message here is not to let small setbacks create even bigger ones. I could have let myself fall back into old habits, I could have gotten drunk and cried hysterically about how unfair life is - but I didn't. I stewed for an hour and my mind found a new way to feel better before solving the problem. Simple.

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - Joyce Meyer

Creative Therapies

All I have is who I was
All I know is over because
I couldn't love when it was offered
I succumbed to fear and suffered
Now I seek a long-lost dawn
I pray my life to be reborn

During my darker moments of depression I had one release; poetry. I've always enjoyed writing and I find that any form of writing is therapeutic, yet poetry always came more naturally when I was feeling particularly low and helped to express a lot of the emotions I could never fully understand. I have always been interested in alternative therapies in lieu of medication (when possible) and soon developed several forms of creative outlets. I'm going to talk about some of the ways I stay positive and keep myself motivated.

Writing & Journal Therapy

Keeping a journal/diary is probably the easiest way to evaluate your day and track your progress. I've kept a diary for most of my life and have several books of pages filled with the ups-and-downs I experienced. Re-reading my earliest diaries can be quite shocking for me - when the depression subsides it can be east to forget how crippling it once was; I actually destroyed several of my diaries because they were full of self-hatred and offered nothing towards my recovery. On the whole, it is enjoyable to look back and realise how far I've come and it's important to deal with your feelings instead of bottling them up until they become too much to bear.

Ever since I started taking sertraline I have also been keeping a 'Feelings Journal' to deal with the main points of the day and how I felt/dealt with them. These are only short sentences that explain good and bad points during the day, mini bouts of mania and helps me track my sleep.

Writing fiction is my passion but also a great way to tackle personal themes that are important to me; I get to write about people with problems and figure out a way they can overcome them. It gives me the chance to transfer my past experiences and emotions onto a fictional person, which makes them easier to face.

Poetry

If your experiencing severe depression it can be difficult to write about your life in detail, which is why poetry is so helpful in releasing your feelings. It can be as long or short as you like; it doesn't have to rhyme - it doesn't even have to be good! It's a manifestation of your deepest, more complicated thoughts.

Art Therapy & Colouring

Like poetry, art/drawing is another creative outlet that take's little concentration, gives you something to do with your hands and occupies your mind. Again, it doesn't have to be good; I'm not the best artist and one of my favourite forms of art is painting to music. There's no structure involved in painting to music, you just pick a song or a playlist of music from the same genre and paint what you hear/feel.

Basic Painting

Painting with added detail

Above are two examples are my own attempts at painting to music - not great, not professional but they made me feel happy to make and I still enjoy looking at them now.

Colouring therapy is more meditative than drawing and perfect for those 'blah' moments when you feel like you're just sitting around wasting the day or just to need to unwind. There are colouring books for adults you can buy though I prefer to search for printable sheets on-line.

I know a lot of people deem being creative as a childhood pastime that is left behind when we become adults but there's no reason to give up on something you enjoy, no matter your age. Everyone needs an outlet, a way to let off steam and feel like you've accomplished something. It could be any of the few examples I have mentioned or any passion you prefer, as long as it is something you like to do! This is something personal and private to the individual - I don't show my art or poetry to anyone, and I would never share my diary and you don't have to share your emotional outlet/s with anyone either. Do something just for you x

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person your ever going to truly live with; is yourself - Nikki Rowe

Rediscover Your True Self

When we're born we are a blank canvas and everyone who meets us is waiting to see the type of person we will grow up to be. We're told we can be anything and encouraged to try everything, from food to sport to find out what it is we might be good at and, eventually, what we will do with our lives. It's a world of possibilities, encouragement and praise. But it doesn't last.

All children grow and discover, learning what they like and don't like, full of hopes for the future. All children change their ideal job multiple times; I wanted to be a vet, a dancer, a gymnast, an archaeologist, an artist and a writer - to name a few. It was a magical time where no dream was too big. Then I became a teenager, and like most people, reality started to overshadow my way of thought. I saw the world as a place I had to fit into, there were new rules and unexpected criticism. All of a sudden, parents, teachers and even friends, all had an opinion about my dreams and my choices; judgement came from every angle and I stopped talking about my hopes for the future. I stopped thinking about the future because surviving the present monopolised my time and energy.

As you get older, life becomes less about what you enjoy and more about what is expected of you. Career choices become about finance and security; food choices become about health and appearance; hobbies/interests have to accepted by your peers or you'll be labelled. As if being a teenager wasn't bad enough! You're now being told all of the foods you like are bad for you, they'll make you fat or give you spots. All the hobbies you enjoy are deemed embarrassing or a waste of time. You're even judged on the people you choose to be friends with, the music you enjoy and the clothes you wear.

At this point, all the years you spent discovering your identity seem pointless. A lot of people abandon their earlier pleasures and recondition themselves to like what's good for them because being different often invites ridicule and sometimes, loneliness. During this time of my life I was also experiencing mild depression and severe anxiety; I gave in and decided I wanted to be a chef. I made that decision purely because I thought it was easy to learn, reasonably well paid, and I was already working in a cafe when I wasn't in school. I stuck with the food industry for almost eight years before I admitted how miserable I was; cooking is an admirable skill and passion, but it wasn't mine.

Over the last two months I have really worked on myself, I put my health first for a change and have experienced unimaginable changes within myself. I have rediscovered my love of painting (I'm not the best but I enjoy it), I'm making time to read - when I was younger, before I turned fourteen, I would read several books a week and as I got older I gradually stopped and I don't know why. Most importantly, I have put faith in a dream and have dedicated myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and Creative Writing to increase my chances of achieving my writing goals. (I have also stopped dieting for the fist time in ten years.)

As an adult, I can honestly say I hate how much I changed myself to fit in; I was constantly seeking the approval/acceptance of others and never brave enough to accept myself. I wish I had never stopped dreaming, I wish we didn't have to be judged on what we do instead of who we are. If anyone else is feeling lost or unhappy I recommend thinking back to being a kid and remembering who you once were - then get to know that person again. We shouldn't lose anything when we grow - we should only gain. So do something that makes you happy and don't conform to anyone else's ideals.

The Time You Enjoy Wasting, Is Not Wasted Time 

- Bertrard Russel

Taking Risks

I haven't been in school for almost ten years now and I can honestly say I hated it. My anxiety was peaking, I was socially awkward and terrified of being judged - which is common for a lot of people at that age but then they go to college and 'find' themselves and tend to be more confident and comfortable. I went to college for two months before I gave up and went into full time work. I found the classroom environment so uncomfortable, I had trouble concentrating because I was always tired and stressed, plus I was becoming severely depressed; I had no motivation, no aspirations and I was drinking far too much. Silly me.

Over time I sorted myself out and started trying to do more and think of ways to make my life better but I always struggled with the thought of returning to school because of my experiences even though I wanted to further my learning - my anxiety held me back. Years passed (I'm now 25) and fell into the thought process of believing I was too old to learn anything, I wouldn't be smart enough etc. I basically lost all confidence in myself.

Anyway, in March this year, I agreed to study for a small IT qualification to hopefully increase my chances of finding a job and build my confidence. I didn't sleep the night before my induction and I felt so confined surrounded by all these strangers while I was taking basic tests to determine my skill level but I survived and arranged to do the majority of my study at home plus one day a week in an actual class. At first I hated it. I was always nervous when anyone tried to talk to me and I panicked when it came to learning anything new. I studied with The Hope Foundation in Middlesbrough and I can honestly say the entire organisation is brilliant! The tutors and the volunteers were friendly and so amazing and I got high scores on all my assessments - it was a huge boost for me, not only to achieve something but to have people congratulating me and reminding me it is ok to feel proud. Pride is an emotion I usually reject, instead of feeling good when people say 'well done' I just feel tense and hope they change the subject. I find it hard to see the good in myself.

The last day of my IT course I sat down with my tutor who asked me about my plans for the future. She knew exactly how I was feeling and had obviously been paying close attention to me during the few months I had known her and she asked me to consider university. Of course I had considered it but my fears and insecurities had held me back. My tutor spent a lot of time telling me not to waste my potential and not to restrict myself. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced during this conversation - I have made so many mistakes that it often feels like most people have given up on me, so having someone sit in front of me and tell me they believe in me was overwhelming.

Long story short: I'm getting a degree!

It's a huge step forward for me and something I never thought would happen, Of course, my current state is still rather up-and-down so I am looking into online learning, specifically with the Open University, to avoid stressing myself out and giving up. I don't want to give up. I owe a lot to my tutor Rebecca and The Hope Foundation for helping me and I can't thank them enough for that.

 It doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never too late to change the future.

Here's to the next step....

Don't underestimate the power of your words. Be kind, smile, and you could change someones life; no matter how small the message, it could mean the world to someone who needs to hear it x

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

Anxiety OR Fear

It's June! Almost halfway through the year already - yikes.
So, recently I took a trip to the fair with my sister and her family, where the two of us rode on several rides - including a roller-coaster - so not just little rides. As a child I always loved big rides and rarely shied away from any sort of exciting activity; I went on a school trip when I was eleven that involved climbing a large tree (possibly 20-30ft) and jumping for a trapeze bar while harnessed (I missed by miles). Reliving all of these memories, as my sister and I screamed and laughed hysterically while we were spun and thrown into the air, got me thinking about the differences between fear and anxiety.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking my sister and I are daredevils - we are not - neither of us is brave enough to handle the more extreme rides and, like most people, we spent the minutes before each ride (the ones were you are strapped in and there's officially no backing out) laughing nervously and, in my case, questioning my own sanity. However, I noticed distinct differences between those pre-ride butterflies and my regular anxiety, and between fear and anxiety in general.

Fear Is An Emotional Response To Real Danger

Anxiety Is A Psychological Disorder Triggered By Imagined Danger

For a long time I believed I couldn't have anxiety because there are few things I genuinely fear, until I realised my biggest fear was/is anxiety itself and began treating the two as separate conditions. Anyone who has ever experienced an anxiety attack will know the fear that sets in when you first start to feel the effects, but, unfortunately, fear and anxiety have the same symptoms, and so panicking about panicking will only make it worse - it's a vicious cycle. I have also noticed that excitement also invokes the same symptoms on occasion.

My Definitions:

Fear is the bodies reaction to stress/danger; hormones are released to allow the body to effectively react; it forces us to act. Having a phobia can often encourage a person to overcome their fear because they can identify the root cause. Once the danger has passed, the effects of fear usually go away.

Anxiety is triggered by the mind either recreating or fabricating a stressful/dangerous situation, and so the body reacts by releasing the same stress hormones as fear. However, as their is no danger, the body keeps releasing these hormones because it can't determine when it is safe.

To apply these definitions to my trip to the fair; I was afraid before riding a roller-coaster because it's fast, high up and sometimes rides malfunction - pessimistic thinking. This was natural. However, my anxiety over being in such a large crowd of people and flinching whenever anyone brushed against me, was my mind imagining all the bad things that COULD happen; my subconscious may have been remembering a time in my past where being surrounded by people ended badly.

This is where we were -

and this isn't even half of the queue to get in!

I can honestly say that learning and researching anxiety has helped me understand and come to terms with my condition more than I ever imagined. I encourage anyone who is suffering from any condition/disorder to learn as much as you can - it really reduces the fear.

Be smart, Be strong and Bravery will come x

My Resources

www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-fear-and-anxiety

www.innerhealthstudio.com/fear-and-anxiety.html

normalintraining.com/2015/04/13/anxiety-vs-fear

New Habits and Learning to Function

It is the end of my second week on Sertraline and I am up to 50mg a day now, which didn't bring back any of the original side effects thankfully - the jaw clenching was very uncomfortable. I am living day to day at the moment, some mornings I wake up feeling cheerful and motivated while some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, usually because I have woken up several times during the night. The beauty of the Sertraline is that my mood swings are already less aggressive, I used to go from over-the-top-happy where I would talk non-stop and want to be outside, to complete soul-crushing despair that made me hide in my room. Now, I am more of a constant 'ok' with a few sad moments thrown in. On the face of it, this is an improvement, however, I can honestly say I do miss the crazy, happy times where I would be full of energy and enthusiasm because it would feel like I could do anything and it's a bit hard to feel optimistic right now.

Meh.

I am currently still alcohol free, which meant I missed out on night out recently (sad face), and I am trying to eat healthy and go to bed early - all things I never did before. I feel like I'm changing everything about myself in order to be better and finally enjoy life but I can't help wondering how much I have to change. I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be myself but, obviously, totally being myself wasn't working either. It's definitely a learning curve, it almost feels like I'm a teenager again trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going.

My biggest breakthrough actually came this morning when I sat down at my laptop and started writing again. Becoming an author has always been my one and only goal in life and I actually resigned before Christmas with the idea that all my free time would go into writing and I would finally finish something. Unfortunately, I was also very depressed at the time, and then went into a month-long manic phase where I wrote every day but then became depressed again and decided I didn't like what I had written. So I started again. Which was disheartening but life goes on and I will never be an author until I finish a book, so if that is the only good thing to come from any of this, I will be a happy bunny indeed.

I've read it can take months for Sertraline to really get to work and so far my only struggle has been dealing with my fluctuating appetite and a little fatigue; I'm looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life without anxiety or depression holding me back x