Insomnia and a Family Day Out

Oh sleep, why do you hate me? I have never been a good sleeper, as a kid, my sister and I would go to bed and she would be asleep in minutes while I laid there staring at the ceiling for hours. I used to drift off eventually but as I've gotten older, it seems to take longer and longer for me to fall asleep - sometimes I just don't sleep at all. After a few sleepless nights I start to notice several changes in my mood; I'm usually more emotional and anxious when I am overtired, but most worryingly, I also become quite aggressive. This morning I had to be up early to get the train to Whitby for my nephew's birthday, I had probably achieved a maximum of one hours sleep - I only realised I must have nodded off at some point because I remember a very vivid dream about a man with an extra row of teeth in his neck, which he was having cleaned. (I hate my dreams.) Anyway, the anger surfaced; I threw my phone across my bedroom because I couldn't find my charger and almost screamed when I couldn't get to the kitchen because my Mum was messing around in front of me. Thankfully, I calmed down before I actually started screaming at her. 

On the train I started to get very excited, mainly because I could see all the little lambs and wild rabbits hopping around in the fields outside the window, and like most crazy people, I find animals to be quite relaxing. I also love the seaside, so I was really looking forward to today and a bit frustrated it had started so badly. 

My favourite thing to do in Whitby, and the thing I most excited for, is shopping for new crystals, because I love crystals and I hate ordering them from Amazon and paying ridiculous prices plus delivery for sub-par quality. I also feel much more satisfied when I can select my own crystals.

I make a point of visiting TotallyNaturalSkincare for their natural remedies, like their headache roll on, and today I purchased their Deep Sleep Oil for the first time, so hopefully I can sleep tonight. Sadly, I am just one of those people who is always getting headaches and occasionally migraines, but I hate having to take painkillers so I will always opt for a herbal/homeopathic remedies when possible.

My nephew was two today and I have to admit, it makes me feel a bit sad he's growing up so fast and that I haven't actually accomplished anything in the years he has been part of our lives. Part of me wants to work even harder to achieve my goals to show him he can do anything he wants to in life, because so many people give up and stop trying - I don't want that for anyone; life is not complacency. Life should be exciting!

Wasted Days

Okay, so six weeks ago I decided to try a high-carb vegan diet, lured in by the prospect of limitless calories, and it seemed like a great solution to ensuring I ate enough. Which I never do. A lifetime of eating problems and endless diets has ruined my relationship with food; some days I eat constantly, like an absolute pig, and others I barely remember to eat anything.

The vegan lifestyle was not my magical solution. There is no magical solution.

The biggest problem with my bad eating habits is that I simply don't realise I am not eating enough until I start to get ill and, like this morning, discover I cannot get out of bed because I am exhausted.

Today I woke up at 7.00am, ate two breakfasts as my stomach was gnawing on itself, and then went back to bed and slept until 1.00pm. I had to cancel all of my plans and spend the day feeling like a failure. In an attempt to finally take control of my bad habits I have started a food diary - an activity I have tried to avoid in the past because I don't want my life to revolve around calories! Sadly, I don't have much of a choice right now.

In my teenage years I was addicted to self-destruction and now, in my twenties, I am obsessed with self-improvement. So it seems like I embark on a new therapy/lifestyle technique almost every day in order to take control of my life, be it physical, spiritual or emotional. 

My latest methods include:

Writing down my daily food intake
Journalling
Recording all of my 'happy moments' to look over when I feel down
Using a daily planner
Exercising every day
Having a 'crystal bath' once a week, complete with candles, incense, healing crystals and meditative music

On paper, my life should be calm and collected, in reality, I am barely organised chaos.