What Happened?

What should I do with my life?
It's a monumentally huge question and one that has taken a backseat to my depression for my entire life so far, just like my life has. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted; I used to believe that as long as I could write, nothing else mattered. But that's not realistic.

I didn't go to college - I was so consumed by anxiety and depression in my late teens that being surrounded by new people and thinking about the future left me a quivering wreck. So, instead of building a career, I took a job in a greasy café were I quickly became so depressed with my life I was getting drunk every night just to feel happy before the next day began. Things got progressively worse, I slowly became a shadow of the person I should have been.

At 26 I am closer to thirty than I am comfortable with and I have zero prospects. After several failed job interviews I have come to realise that trying to explain to possible employer that I left my previous job was because I was so depressed, that the idea of waking up in the morning made me want to cry and then bang my head off a wall. How am I supposed to 'sell myself' when I am just learning to like myself? I could go to college but what would I do? I'm currently experiencing a major transition period of my life, I don't know what direction to go in, I don't really know where I am, all I do know is that I have to do something! I can't keep sitting at home staring at the walls - it's not healthy and it is not helping my social anxiety.

So, for now, I'm stuck, trying desperately to find a solution to a problem I can't define and failing to figure out who I really am. I can't be the only person this confused I know, so if you're as lost and lonely as I am right now don't worry - you aren't really alone. Wherever you are, I'm right there beside you...

If there's no way out, how did you get in?

Getting Back To Reality

I'm back and ... it's my birthday! 26 Years Old - Wow. I know it's not a recognised milestone, however, it is the first birthday I have ever had where I feel like I have some control over my future.

It hasn't been an easy few months. Living alone brought more stress than I expected, I have been very ill for almost two months with various viruses and several teeth infections that only added to my sour mood. My medication was increased to allow me to deal with my increased depression, but I have recently returned to my original dose of 50mg of Sertraline and 40mg of Propranolol daily (plus an occasional extra dose of Propranolol in case of an anxiety attack).

Moving brought problems for me that I thought I was in control of, problems involving food mostly. I should have seen it coming but I had been dealing with my eating disorder so well, eating regularly and healthily, exercising, and generally taking care of myself. Then I became responsible for running a home, paying the bills and food took a back seat; it became about what I could afford and not what I needed/what was best for me. My budget was very tight for the first few months and I am only just gaining balance with my finances and starting to relax a little. My house feels more like a home now.

I'm erratic right now, up and down, never sure what the next day will bring and hating it. My medication keeps me grounded, mania occurs less often and less intensively than before, my depression isn't as all-consuming as it once was, yet I am still struggling to feel happy. It's frustrating to know that all of these amazing changes are happening in my life and I can't truly feel the joy I know I should feel.

I keep asking myself: WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I do need a plan. Be it food or exercise, developing my social life, finding a job or getting back into my writing, something needs to happen. I've lost myself a little in the process of moving away from home and leaving my family issues behind me. Actually being able to live without the negativity and painful memories of my past has left an emptiness inside of me; I was so deeply-filled with darkness for so long that the loss of those burdens has left a hole I don't know how to fill. I'm lost.

 

 

Well, it's been a long time and I'm glad to be back because this blog is the only place in my world where I am truly honest and open about how I'm feeling; I've missed that.

 

To live is to hope; to give up is to die. 

Holding On For Dear Life

So, after almost a decade of being on my local housing association's waiting list I have been offered a home. I have had five different jobs while waiting for this offer and it comes during a stint of  unemployment; I have very little savings and no career on the horizon. But I couldn't say no.

At the beginning of the year my friend and I paid for a psychic reading, the woman was welcoming, genuine and knew things about me no one could ever guess, and she foresaw three big, important life events that would arrive by the end of August. The first was a course of study, which was funny because I had arranged to start an IT course that very morning, since then I have committed myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and am currently being assessed for an apprenticeship within the NHS. That's a lot of study; prediction one definitely came true.

The second important change was going to be a move - finally getting a house of my own. I was probably most excited for this one as my current home (my mother's home) holds a lot of bad memories and years of unhappiness that are difficult to forget. Unfortunately, though I tried to my hardest to make it happen, being unemployed and having severe bouts of emotional turbulence made me give up on any possibility of it happening. Then, on Tuesday this week, I received a visit from the local housing officer; within twenty minutes I had viewed the property and agreed to take it. Prediction number two came as a complete surprise.

Prediction number three is yet to arrive though I have been told it will be man-shaped, older and very good for me. He has less than three weeks to get here!

I spent a lot of time thinking about what the psychic told me and wondering how she didn't see my breakdown or the last four month's of recovery, but I have concluded that even if she had, she probably wouldn't have told me. I had to choose to change - it had to be my decision. I couldn't have been influenced by anyone but myself, yet if I hadn't made the choice to change, I never would have gotten anything she promised me. I would have never had the courage or self-belief to study for a degree or even apply for the position I have within the NHS and the very idea of living alone would have terrified me; I would have denied myself all these new, exciting opportunities and continued to waste my life, living in fear.

So, maybe the psychic put these ideas in my head and I created my own path to them, or maybe she saw that a breakthrough was on it's way for me. Either way, the universe is throwing a lot at me right now and I'm handling it, somehow. Everything is still a bit of a struggle but it's getting easier, slowly but surely, I'm retraining my mind to ignore the doubts and the negative thoughts and focus on the good stuff, though right now I'm so busy preparing to move I don't have time to dwell on my bad stuff.

This Bunny's Starting Again x

Crying Like A Little Girl

This week has been another rough one but I've been trying to channel my negative energy and swap my bad habits for healthier ones. All of a sudden I'm doubting everything, including the sertraline, which worked brilliantly for the first month and then it all went downhill. I'm back to 100% vegan and it's going much more successfully than the first attempt; I reasoned that, seeing as I was barely eating anyway, that cutting out dairy and eggs wouldn't be difficult.

I've been challenging myself lately, forcing myself to be more adventurous and say 'yes' more. Whenever I have one of those days where I just want to curl up and hide indoors all day I make myself move; I get up, put on my face and go outside. Allowing myself to wallow is not an option. It hasn't been easy but I have had a few good times as a result of my forced enthusiasm, most of them exhaust me. (It's a small improvement.)

I've been trying to shake things up recently, going vegan, changing up my exercise, colouring my hair and re-decorating, in an attempt to liven myself up and get happy again. My biggest problem is the return of my anger and agitation - it occurs at random and the only way I have to deal with it is exercise. I jump on the bike and cycle until I am too tired to feel wound up. It's an unbearable pressure and the exercise is only a temporary fix. Even sleep has turned on me - when I am managing to sleep I am having horrific nightmares! We are talking blood, dead frogs and being run over by trucks - not relaxing at all.

Today I tried to relax in a bath of Epsom salts and lavender oil and it was great, until I got out and curled up on the bathroom floor to sob for no apparent reason. Suddenly, everything was too much, everything I was trying to do became a hopeless waste of time that would eventually become more stress I wouldn't be able to handle. I am actually considering cancelling my university application - the degree I was so excited about getting is now terrifying me; will it be beneficial? Will I eventually quit anyway? Will I be able to work and study? How did something that made me so happy become such a stressful endeavour?

I wish I had something more positive to say, I really, really wish I did. I want to be able to tell the world that it gets better, that all mental and emotional difficulties can be overcome and everyday is a little bit easier but it's a rocky road with no clear destination in sight. Will I get a degree? Will I be a fully functional human being someday? Will I be able to eat and sleep like a normal person?

Only time will tell...

Not-A-Happy-Bunny x

An Interview & A Meltdown

I had a job interview this afternoon, my first in two years and my first ever on medication/suffering a bad bout of depression. Usually the idea of being judged and questioned terrifies me but today was bearable. There was a distinct ominous feeling on the journey there, plus a bad case of the sweats, however, the meeting was brief, relaxed and I only said 'sort of' twice. Relief! Whether I got the job is still unsure but I walked away with  an immense sense of pride knowing I did my best and I DID NOT SHAKE! Nerves, excitement, fear - any and very emotion manifests into shaking with me and each day I get through without the shakes is a victory for me. There is no symptom of anxiety I hate worse than the uncontrollable tremors that have made me self-conscious for almost a decade.

Today's victory meant so much more after my recent weeks of doom and gloom. I can't stop putting pressure on myself - everything has to better and it has to be better right now, or it's simply not good enough. I make big plans, have grand expectations and even greater disappointments. I try to relax, I really do, but there's no pill in the world capable of slowing down my brain. It's my constant thinking and planning that keeps me up at night, then I wake up and it starts all over again; I don't get peace in the mornings, not even five minutes before my head starts hurting. I've always wanted to be one of those happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-moment people but I've always been a 'stresser'.

I've been really down on myself lately and the way I am - who I am. I don't know if I was born to be this way or if life made me like this, there's a lot about me I would change if I could but my biggest challenge will be accepting the things I can't and, hopefully, learning to enjoy them.

I'm So Confused

So, the hard times continue...

This last month has been painful! My mind and body are so mixed up, I just don't know what's going on. All the toxins are coming out of my skin after 11 weeks since giving up smoking and I have been acne-riddled for weeks now. My chin especially has been a mess; my sister asked me earlier this week if I had a rash. I went through creams and washes, masks and scrubs, all of them useless, so as of two days ago, I'm cutting down on the face products because I know I'm only making it worse. A lot of people have suggested I go to the doctor for help but they don't understand all of the changes my body is going through, or that this will only be temporary. Spots are irritating but they are not my biggest concern.

A niggling, but ever-present, concern right now is my appetite. In the beginning I craved donuts, cakes and cookies, then I settled into a simpler eating plan of cereal, sandwiches, pasta and other 'sort of healthy' but quite basic foods. Unfortunately, as time goes by, my appetite is getting smaller and smaller; I haven't dared weigh myself because I don't want my mind to get excited about the loss and then become disappointed again later. I know I don't eat enough some days and I've been counting calories and aiming for 2000 a day to help me heal. I need food right now, yet can't bring myself to eat it, and when I do, everything is tasteless.

My mind is just numb. Before I was always so wound up that weeks would fly by without my realising; mania, anger, depression and anxiety broke up my days, leaving all the in-betweens as a blur of nothing. Now, I am completely and totally aware of every second of every day. It's difficult to deal with, I cannot lie, to go from living inside my own head while the world moves around me to seeing and experiencing everything. Part of me does try to retreat from it, my imagination tries to overpower the reality, especially during the hard moments of the last month.

Sometime It All Gets Too Much

It has been a struggle not to let myself sink into depression, it has become a familiar state for me (isn't that just tragic). Sometimes my only goal is this weekly update, but lately, it has been hard to force myself to publish my personal downfalls. I do it to remind myself how far I have come.
No one said this would be easy. If anyone reading this is going through anything similar I just want you to know that you are not alone; remember that you are changing your life for the better. Be proud of yourself and realise that people who love you are proud of you too, even if they don't know how to say it.

THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE SCARIEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE CLIMBING UP AND NOT DOWN.

Frustrations

I have to get this out - this week has been A-W-F-U-L!

I'm tired, not sleeping, feeling unmotivated, my head hurts, my body aches and I can't seem to shake off a cold I've been suffering with for the past fortnight. The only thing that has kept me going recently is planning the big move - I'm 25 and living at home! I moved out when I was eighteen and moved back when I was 21, depressed and spiralling  downwards. I've been saving all my spare pounds and pennies to try and amass just enough to get my freedom back and move my life forward and planning how to spend that money has been my only source of excitement lately. Until this week happened, I was doing really well; the end was in sight!

In one day I experienced two enormous nightmare situations that bit a huge chunk out of my savings, completely out of the blue. Dentist bill + Bank Charges = Hell! I almost cracked. I wanted to scream, cry, drink, smoke, throw things, rip out my hair, punch the walls and lose all control in reaction to this unexpected, and horrifying, setback. I stomped around the house for almost an hour, holding back tears and thinking about vodka and cigarettes, trying to convince myself that losing it just once wouldn't be the worst thing. Everyone breaks down sometimes - right? I came so close to ruining all my hard work and making everything worse.  All these emotions were building up in my head until I thought I might explode if I didn't find a way to release my frustration.

Do you want to know what broke it all? The thing that made me laugh and snapped me out of my murderous rage? I watched an old episode of 8 Simple Rules on YouTube - and I laughed, and that small emotional expression relieved so much tension I smiled even wider at my own silliness. I put all my energy into cleaning and then arranging my finances to accommodate my new debts, after which a sense of calm settled over me.

I suppose the message here is not to let small setbacks create even bigger ones. I could have let myself fall back into old habits, I could have gotten drunk and cried hysterically about how unfair life is - but I didn't. I stewed for an hour and my mind found a new way to feel better before solving the problem. Simple.

Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting - Joyce Meyer

Creative Therapies

All I have is who I was
All I know is over because
I couldn't love when it was offered
I succumbed to fear and suffered
Now I seek a long-lost dawn
I pray my life to be reborn

During my darker moments of depression I had one release; poetry. I've always enjoyed writing and I find that any form of writing is therapeutic, yet poetry always came more naturally when I was feeling particularly low and helped to express a lot of the emotions I could never fully understand. I have always been interested in alternative therapies in lieu of medication (when possible) and soon developed several forms of creative outlets. I'm going to talk about some of the ways I stay positive and keep myself motivated.

Writing & Journal Therapy

Keeping a journal/diary is probably the easiest way to evaluate your day and track your progress. I've kept a diary for most of my life and have several books of pages filled with the ups-and-downs I experienced. Re-reading my earliest diaries can be quite shocking for me - when the depression subsides it can be east to forget how crippling it once was; I actually destroyed several of my diaries because they were full of self-hatred and offered nothing towards my recovery. On the whole, it is enjoyable to look back and realise how far I've come and it's important to deal with your feelings instead of bottling them up until they become too much to bear.

Ever since I started taking sertraline I have also been keeping a 'Feelings Journal' to deal with the main points of the day and how I felt/dealt with them. These are only short sentences that explain good and bad points during the day, mini bouts of mania and helps me track my sleep.

Writing fiction is my passion but also a great way to tackle personal themes that are important to me; I get to write about people with problems and figure out a way they can overcome them. It gives me the chance to transfer my past experiences and emotions onto a fictional person, which makes them easier to face.

Poetry

If your experiencing severe depression it can be difficult to write about your life in detail, which is why poetry is so helpful in releasing your feelings. It can be as long or short as you like; it doesn't have to rhyme - it doesn't even have to be good! It's a manifestation of your deepest, more complicated thoughts.

Art Therapy & Colouring

Like poetry, art/drawing is another creative outlet that take's little concentration, gives you something to do with your hands and occupies your mind. Again, it doesn't have to be good; I'm not the best artist and one of my favourite forms of art is painting to music. There's no structure involved in painting to music, you just pick a song or a playlist of music from the same genre and paint what you hear/feel.

Basic Painting

Painting with added detail

Above are two examples are my own attempts at painting to music - not great, not professional but they made me feel happy to make and I still enjoy looking at them now.

Colouring therapy is more meditative than drawing and perfect for those 'blah' moments when you feel like you're just sitting around wasting the day or just to need to unwind. There are colouring books for adults you can buy though I prefer to search for printable sheets on-line.

I know a lot of people deem being creative as a childhood pastime that is left behind when we become adults but there's no reason to give up on something you enjoy, no matter your age. Everyone needs an outlet, a way to let off steam and feel like you've accomplished something. It could be any of the few examples I have mentioned or any passion you prefer, as long as it is something you like to do! This is something personal and private to the individual - I don't show my art or poetry to anyone, and I would never share my diary and you don't have to share your emotional outlet/s with anyone either. Do something just for you x

Spend time understanding who you are, after all the only person your ever going to truly live with; is yourself - Nikki Rowe

Rediscover Your True Self

When we're born we are a blank canvas and everyone who meets us is waiting to see the type of person we will grow up to be. We're told we can be anything and encouraged to try everything, from food to sport to find out what it is we might be good at and, eventually, what we will do with our lives. It's a world of possibilities, encouragement and praise. But it doesn't last.

All children grow and discover, learning what they like and don't like, full of hopes for the future. All children change their ideal job multiple times; I wanted to be a vet, a dancer, a gymnast, an archaeologist, an artist and a writer - to name a few. It was a magical time where no dream was too big. Then I became a teenager, and like most people, reality started to overshadow my way of thought. I saw the world as a place I had to fit into, there were new rules and unexpected criticism. All of a sudden, parents, teachers and even friends, all had an opinion about my dreams and my choices; judgement came from every angle and I stopped talking about my hopes for the future. I stopped thinking about the future because surviving the present monopolised my time and energy.

As you get older, life becomes less about what you enjoy and more about what is expected of you. Career choices become about finance and security; food choices become about health and appearance; hobbies/interests have to accepted by your peers or you'll be labelled. As if being a teenager wasn't bad enough! You're now being told all of the foods you like are bad for you, they'll make you fat or give you spots. All the hobbies you enjoy are deemed embarrassing or a waste of time. You're even judged on the people you choose to be friends with, the music you enjoy and the clothes you wear.

At this point, all the years you spent discovering your identity seem pointless. A lot of people abandon their earlier pleasures and recondition themselves to like what's good for them because being different often invites ridicule and sometimes, loneliness. During this time of my life I was also experiencing mild depression and severe anxiety; I gave in and decided I wanted to be a chef. I made that decision purely because I thought it was easy to learn, reasonably well paid, and I was already working in a cafe when I wasn't in school. I stuck with the food industry for almost eight years before I admitted how miserable I was; cooking is an admirable skill and passion, but it wasn't mine.

Over the last two months I have really worked on myself, I put my health first for a change and have experienced unimaginable changes within myself. I have rediscovered my love of painting (I'm not the best but I enjoy it), I'm making time to read - when I was younger, before I turned fourteen, I would read several books a week and as I got older I gradually stopped and I don't know why. Most importantly, I have put faith in a dream and have dedicated myself to earning a degree in English Lit. and Creative Writing to increase my chances of achieving my writing goals. (I have also stopped dieting for the fist time in ten years.)

As an adult, I can honestly say I hate how much I changed myself to fit in; I was constantly seeking the approval/acceptance of others and never brave enough to accept myself. I wish I had never stopped dreaming, I wish we didn't have to be judged on what we do instead of who we are. If anyone else is feeling lost or unhappy I recommend thinking back to being a kid and remembering who you once were - then get to know that person again. We shouldn't lose anything when we grow - we should only gain. So do something that makes you happy and don't conform to anyone else's ideals.

The Time You Enjoy Wasting, Is Not Wasted Time 

- Bertrard Russel

Taking Risks

I haven't been in school for almost ten years now and I can honestly say I hated it. My anxiety was peaking, I was socially awkward and terrified of being judged - which is common for a lot of people at that age but then they go to college and 'find' themselves and tend to be more confident and comfortable. I went to college for two months before I gave up and went into full time work. I found the classroom environment so uncomfortable, I had trouble concentrating because I was always tired and stressed, plus I was becoming severely depressed; I had no motivation, no aspirations and I was drinking far too much. Silly me.

Over time I sorted myself out and started trying to do more and think of ways to make my life better but I always struggled with the thought of returning to school because of my experiences even though I wanted to further my learning - my anxiety held me back. Years passed (I'm now 25) and fell into the thought process of believing I was too old to learn anything, I wouldn't be smart enough etc. I basically lost all confidence in myself.

Anyway, in March this year, I agreed to study for a small IT qualification to hopefully increase my chances of finding a job and build my confidence. I didn't sleep the night before my induction and I felt so confined surrounded by all these strangers while I was taking basic tests to determine my skill level but I survived and arranged to do the majority of my study at home plus one day a week in an actual class. At first I hated it. I was always nervous when anyone tried to talk to me and I panicked when it came to learning anything new. I studied with The Hope Foundation in Middlesbrough and I can honestly say the entire organisation is brilliant! The tutors and the volunteers were friendly and so amazing and I got high scores on all my assessments - it was a huge boost for me, not only to achieve something but to have people congratulating me and reminding me it is ok to feel proud. Pride is an emotion I usually reject, instead of feeling good when people say 'well done' I just feel tense and hope they change the subject. I find it hard to see the good in myself.

The last day of my IT course I sat down with my tutor who asked me about my plans for the future. She knew exactly how I was feeling and had obviously been paying close attention to me during the few months I had known her and she asked me to consider university. Of course I had considered it but my fears and insecurities had held me back. My tutor spent a lot of time telling me not to waste my potential and not to restrict myself. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced during this conversation - I have made so many mistakes that it often feels like most people have given up on me, so having someone sit in front of me and tell me they believe in me was overwhelming.

Long story short: I'm getting a degree!

It's a huge step forward for me and something I never thought would happen, Of course, my current state is still rather up-and-down so I am looking into online learning, specifically with the Open University, to avoid stressing myself out and giving up. I don't want to give up. I owe a lot to my tutor Rebecca and The Hope Foundation for helping me and I can't thank them enough for that.

 It doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never too late to change the future.

Here's to the next step....

Don't underestimate the power of your words. Be kind, smile, and you could change someones life; no matter how small the message, it could mean the world to someone who needs to hear it x

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

One Month Update

On May 16th this year I had one of my worst days; mania, depression, anxiety and alcohol-fuelled self-loathing occurred. Unlike every other dark episode of my life, this one finally broke me and I accepted that I have problems that required outside help to fix. I stopped drinking, stopped smoking and paid a visit to my doctor where I was prescribed Sertraline (zoloft) and advised to see a therapist, then I committed to learning everything I could that might help me live a better life.

After one week of taking Sertraline I noticed a huge difference in my mood and my anxiety levels, unfortunately it didn't last; my moods have definitely stabilised but my anxiety is still proving a regular struggle. Anxiety isn't going to be fixed by pills or supplements, though I am taking a fair few, but I'm confident that regular C.B.T. (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) will eventually make things easier. I'm still supplementing DHA and have recently started increasing my daily magnesium intake because I stopped sleeping again; I have cut down on sugar and caffeine, as well as restricting carbs before bed to help me sleep.  (I hate not being able to sleep - it makes my anxiety worse and puts me in a very bad mood.)

Meditation has become one of my favourite ways to relax over this last week, even though every time I ever attempted it before I could never clear my head enough to feel the benefits. The best thing for me was finding the right music to meditate to and my go-to track right now is Patrick Bernham's Archangelis, which is beautiful; the music changes between peaceful and uplifting, plus the song is over 26 minutes long - a perfect amount of meditation time for me.

My diet has changed weekly over the last month because my tastes and my appetite are all over the place thanks to the Sertraline but I am working hard to eat the right foods, even if the portions aren't big enough right now. I am eating a lot of spinach and seeds for the magnesium; I'm also using epsom salts and a magnesium spray to ensure I get enough.

My biggest achievement has definitely been giving up smoking and restraining from alcohol when my mood gets low; I'm confident that after a whole month without drinking that my attitude  towards it has drastically changed. I can survive depression and have fun without alcohol - it is possible. I have done a lot of research into the effects of alcohol on the brain and found that one third of people with major depression also have an alcohol problem but it's only a temporary fix; long term substance abuse only damages the brain. Being sober helps you reconnect with the real you and gets you out of the trap of believing you need something outside of yourself to feel happy. I highly recommend going sober for at least a month to feel the benefits and change the way you think about drinking in general, I know that if I go out or have a special occasion I can have one or two drinks IF I want to but drinking to excess in an attempt to block out my problems is never going to work. Also, not drinking has made giving up smoking a lot easier because I always smoked a lot more while drinking.

Obviously it has only been a month and I expect things will only keep getting better if I stay optimistic and keep taking care of myself. Life isn't going to magically become perfect and stay that way - we all have to keep trying and work at being the best we can be.

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." - Victor Kiam

Anxiety OR Fear

It's June! Almost halfway through the year already - yikes.
So, recently I took a trip to the fair with my sister and her family, where the two of us rode on several rides - including a roller-coaster - so not just little rides. As a child I always loved big rides and rarely shied away from any sort of exciting activity; I went on a school trip when I was eleven that involved climbing a large tree (possibly 20-30ft) and jumping for a trapeze bar while harnessed (I missed by miles). Reliving all of these memories, as my sister and I screamed and laughed hysterically while we were spun and thrown into the air, got me thinking about the differences between fear and anxiety.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking my sister and I are daredevils - we are not - neither of us is brave enough to handle the more extreme rides and, like most people, we spent the minutes before each ride (the ones were you are strapped in and there's officially no backing out) laughing nervously and, in my case, questioning my own sanity. However, I noticed distinct differences between those pre-ride butterflies and my regular anxiety, and between fear and anxiety in general.

Fear Is An Emotional Response To Real Danger

Anxiety Is A Psychological Disorder Triggered By Imagined Danger

For a long time I believed I couldn't have anxiety because there are few things I genuinely fear, until I realised my biggest fear was/is anxiety itself and began treating the two as separate conditions. Anyone who has ever experienced an anxiety attack will know the fear that sets in when you first start to feel the effects, but, unfortunately, fear and anxiety have the same symptoms, and so panicking about panicking will only make it worse - it's a vicious cycle. I have also noticed that excitement also invokes the same symptoms on occasion.

My Definitions:

Fear is the bodies reaction to stress/danger; hormones are released to allow the body to effectively react; it forces us to act. Having a phobia can often encourage a person to overcome their fear because they can identify the root cause. Once the danger has passed, the effects of fear usually go away.

Anxiety is triggered by the mind either recreating or fabricating a stressful/dangerous situation, and so the body reacts by releasing the same stress hormones as fear. However, as their is no danger, the body keeps releasing these hormones because it can't determine when it is safe.

To apply these definitions to my trip to the fair; I was afraid before riding a roller-coaster because it's fast, high up and sometimes rides malfunction - pessimistic thinking. This was natural. However, my anxiety over being in such a large crowd of people and flinching whenever anyone brushed against me, was my mind imagining all the bad things that COULD happen; my subconscious may have been remembering a time in my past where being surrounded by people ended badly.

This is where we were -

and this isn't even half of the queue to get in!

I can honestly say that learning and researching anxiety has helped me understand and come to terms with my condition more than I ever imagined. I encourage anyone who is suffering from any condition/disorder to learn as much as you can - it really reduces the fear.

Be smart, Be strong and Bravery will come x

My Resources

www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-fear-and-anxiety

www.innerhealthstudio.com/fear-and-anxiety.html

normalintraining.com/2015/04/13/anxiety-vs-fear

New Habits and Learning to Function

It is the end of my second week on Sertraline and I am up to 50mg a day now, which didn't bring back any of the original side effects thankfully - the jaw clenching was very uncomfortable. I am living day to day at the moment, some mornings I wake up feeling cheerful and motivated while some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, usually because I have woken up several times during the night. The beauty of the Sertraline is that my mood swings are already less aggressive, I used to go from over-the-top-happy where I would talk non-stop and want to be outside, to complete soul-crushing despair that made me hide in my room. Now, I am more of a constant 'ok' with a few sad moments thrown in. On the face of it, this is an improvement, however, I can honestly say I do miss the crazy, happy times where I would be full of energy and enthusiasm because it would feel like I could do anything and it's a bit hard to feel optimistic right now.

Meh.

I am currently still alcohol free, which meant I missed out on night out recently (sad face), and I am trying to eat healthy and go to bed early - all things I never did before. I feel like I'm changing everything about myself in order to be better and finally enjoy life but I can't help wondering how much I have to change. I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be myself but, obviously, totally being myself wasn't working either. It's definitely a learning curve, it almost feels like I'm a teenager again trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going.

My biggest breakthrough actually came this morning when I sat down at my laptop and started writing again. Becoming an author has always been my one and only goal in life and I actually resigned before Christmas with the idea that all my free time would go into writing and I would finally finish something. Unfortunately, I was also very depressed at the time, and then went into a month-long manic phase where I wrote every day but then became depressed again and decided I didn't like what I had written. So I started again. Which was disheartening but life goes on and I will never be an author until I finish a book, so if that is the only good thing to come from any of this, I will be a happy bunny indeed.

I've read it can take months for Sertraline to really get to work and so far my only struggle has been dealing with my fluctuating appetite and a little fatigue; I'm looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life without anxiety or depression holding me back x

Sertraline/Zoloft: One Week Later

Wow, one week down already and it has been exhausting! Here is a quick update on my current 'state' and how I have been dealing/struggling with my new prescription and supplement 'plan'.

Firstly, a quick run-down of what I am doing and what I am taking:

Morning
Tyrosine 500mg
Taurine 500mg
Liquid B12 and Iron

The Taurine and Tyrosine I read are good for an early morning energy boost; the B12 is also good for energy levels but is also important because I do not eat meat and a B12 and Iron supplement is recommended for a no/low meat diet. These work! I have never been a morning person - ever - but since taking these supplements I have noticed it takes me far less time to 'wake up' and get moving, which makes me very happy because I have always wanted to be one of those cheerful people who bounce out of bed in the morning, ready for the day. I am far from being bouncy but I'm getting better.

After Breakfast
Slow Release Vitamin C - for immunity
Calcium and Vitamin D - I don't eat a lot of dairy.
Omega 3/Fish Oil - for brain function (I do eat fish occasionally so it's ok.)

Just a lot of vitamins because I struggle to eat some days and therefore can't guarantee I am getting the nutrients I need plus, I get ill a lot when I'm feeling low, which makes me feel worse.

6pm - Sertraline 25-50mg

I was originally taking the Sertraline in the mornings but about three hours after taking it, I noticed I was feeling extremely tired - ridiculously so! I was walking around outside and I was yawning every few minutes and so exhausted I was genuinely worried I would just fall down, unconscious.

Oddly, most people experience mania during this period and cannot take Sertraline in the evening but everyone is different and it's finding what works for you. I chose to take only half the prescribed dose for the first week because I am incredibly sensitive to medication and wanted to gradually build it up once I felt ready.

I like to jump on my exercise bike for thirty minutes before eating my dinner and have a hot bath before getting ready for bed to prepare my body and mind for sleep - because I can not naturally shut down at night (sad face).

8.30pm
Combination Amino Acids - because apparently it helps you sleep
A.Vogel 'Dormeasan Sleep' Valerian-Hops Oral Drops - 30 drops in 250ml water

Then at 9pm I get into bed, put on some meditation music and pray for sleep. I also pull down my blackout blind to keep away the pesky sunlight that is still streaming through my windows because, oh yeah, it's summer.

So, the supplements have been in place for ten days now, the Sertraline one week and this new routine only two days and I'm overjoyed to report I am feeling more positive already. I should probably point out I haven't smoked or had a drink in twelve days because it's a huge lifestyle change and a massive step forward for me. I can honestly say my sleeping routines are still a bit all over the place - that's not something that will change so quickly - however, I am already noticing myself feeling happy at certain points during the day and allowing myself to smile then feeling confused as to why I was happy as it's not common for me to experience random happiness.

In conclusion, life isn't easy right now but I do finally feel like I have regained a little bit of control and am becoming happier and less anxious as the days go by. I am incredibly happy I decided to do the research into supplements and stick with them, even after my doctor told me they were useless, and excited for what could be a calmer, fun-filled future.

Never give up; nothing is hopeless unless you stop trying x

(Wow this post is longer than I expected it to be.)

Do Vitamins/Supplements Help Anxiety and Depression?

So, after a terrible month of unbearable mood swings, hiding in my bedroom and occasionally drinking until I black out - to ensure a 'good' night's sleep - I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor. Now, I hadn't been to see a professional about my problems in three years; I was scared, embarrassed and unwilling to accept there was a problem in my life I couldn't fix myself - I was a fool.

So on Tuesday morning I called my doctor and was told the earliest appointment was today (Friday), which I made, however, my brain immediately kicked into gear and started saying:

"I can do something to help myself, there must be something; that way I can go to the doctor and say - look I already did it, I don't need anything!"

So, I got straight on the internet and searched for 'natural remedies for depression' and the first couple of articles all raved on about the benefits of DHA (DOCOSAHEXAENOIC ACID) which is an Omega-3 fatty acid. DHA is essential for normal brain function and it is said that people suffering with anxiety are lacking in DHA. I also discovered the use of branch amino acids to counteract mania and encourage healthy sleep cycles. The two main source of this information where a manic depression forum called CureZone and an article called Balancing Brain Chemistry by Peter Smith. Both convinced me to go rushing to my nearest health shop and spend a considerable amount of money on DHA/Omega-3, Tysine, Taurine and a number of other supplements and vitamins in the hope that I would feel even a small improvement.

So back to the question: Do any of these supplements help with depression?

My doctor says: No.

As much as I trust my doctor's professional opinion I can't deny noticing some differences. My mood and general anxiety levels were unaffected, however, I did gradually notice I was sleeping much better compared to the previous weeks. The first night I was awake until 3am and woke at 8am, the second I fell asleep not long after 1am and woke (very sluggishly) at 11am and by the third (last night) I was asleep shortly after midnight and woke up at 9am - very normal.

I don't believe that any supplement will compare to professional treatment when you are in the grips of any mental health struggle but I have experienced certain benefits that have left me confused by my doctor's very blunt reply.

Anyway, I will be continuing with my newly acquired supplements as well as embarking on a new course of Sertraline (Zoloft) and having to contact a therapist to discuss my ever-growing fear of going outside and talking to ANYONE. I'm willing to try anything and I believe it is the best approach, I enjoy researching natural remedies and trying to help myself because I do not enjoy relying on other people - trust issues; a possible topic of discussion for my therapist.

All in all, after an unhappy week, I am experiencing a great sense of relief and, for tonight, I am a Happy Little Bunny x

P.s. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's scary but it's worth it.

Bad Habits and Lifelong Dreams

So, I have been struggling recently with my mood and I have been relying on some old habits to get me through; habits I would much rather be done with at this point on my life. As a teenager I started smoking and drinking far too young in an attempt to make myself happier and feel more confident but I eventually learnt that over-indulging in those types of behaviour where only making me worse.

Nowadays, I have a certain level of control over my bad habits, however, when I am experiencing a prolonged period of sadness or general frustration with myself I do tend to drink a bit more often and smoke a lot more. I would like to eventually quit smoking but my life and stress levels right now make it difficult for me to stop, plus it remains to be a guilty pleasure I feel reluctant to let go.

Last week was very hectic, lots of things to do and places to go, which was fun at the time, but as I spend so much time indoors, I tend to feel ridiculously drained after being so busy and I have been quite ill since Friday. I have been tired and have had horrible headaches, plus my sleeping is still rubbish, which has made my shaking more noticeable and made me very uncomfortable in all social situations.

I know anxiety is a very common condition throughout the world but I am yet to meet, or speak with, another person who trembles like I do; I am still relying on medication to stop my shaking and allow me to function. It's become quite embarrassing for me and I often wonder what people will think if they see me shaking; if I have to hand someone something or hold something in front of people I become very panicked. I wish I had the nerve to just say "I have an anxiety disorder, and that is why I shake" but I don't. Sigh.



The most disappointing side effect of such a low mood is that I never get anything done! All my life I have only ever had one dream: to be a writer. At the end of last year I quit my job, partially due to the stress it was causing me (I noticed my first grey hairs at 25) and also to focus on finishing my first novel/manuscript. When I am unhappy however, I write less and less, which is so frustrating and I get so angry with myself - which doesn't help. That's when I start to notice an increase in my drinking, usually when I am alone, and smoking, as well as watching a lot of t.v. and wasting days.

Staying motivated when it feels like the whole world is against you, and all you're ever going to be is a failure, is hard. However, I'm fairly confident the bad patch is coming to an end (for now). It might take me until the day I die to finish one book but I will finish it!

I have noticed a recent popularity in adult colouring books i.e. colouring therapy, which I am intrigued by. When I was younger I would love to draw and doodle and found it comforting but I would much rather draw my own pictures and colour them than spend ten times the normal amount of money for a colouring book, just because it's not for children.

Anyway, all in all, Not a Happy Bunny so far this week, but I am working on it x

What I Bought in Whitby and Reviews

Today I am going to go through everything I bought during my trip to the seaside on Wednesday and my thoughts on the products; so far there are clear winners and loser amongst my purchases.

So, the first shop I visited was Seashells and Gemstones (I think that's the name):

The crystals I chose are Amethyst and Citrine, both rough cut rather than gemstones as I already have gemstones of each. I prefer crystals in their natural form where possible, however, it is much easier to pop a gemstone into my pocket than a chunk of rough crystal, and I never leave the house without at least one. I have always used Amethyst for meditation and like to have it when I am doing a card reading, it's properties include protection and the ability to enhance psychic abilities. Citrine is a new favourite that was suggested to me by my psychic to help with concentration/focus, it is known to absorb negative energies and encourage success - it was recommended specifically to help me with my low feeling of self-worth. The tiger's eye pendant was also to encourage self-worth and to bring me courage - it was tested the very next day when I wore it to an exam; I was ill, had achieved zero sleep the night before and was in the grips of an anxiety attack that made me want to run  from the exam room only half way through the test! I stuck through it however and managed an 89% result even though I skipped several questions in order to get the hell out of there before I threw up.

My new wax melter is by far my favourite purchase from Seashells and Gemstones. It is a wax melter by Heart & Home, it was £9.99, and I love it. It's so dainty and decorative, plus I don't like air  fresheners because I am always worried about inhaling chemicals, and I prefer to burn incense normally but not any more. I actually received a Collectables wax melt gift set for Christmas that I am only now able to use and I am obsessed with them! The scents are subtle and yet they fill the whole room for hours.

When we go to Whitby, my sister has to pay a visit to Honeyz Handmade Bath Products for their handmade soaps and bath-bombs, which I tried for the first time recently.

The Jelly Baby Soap was £3 and it smells like wine gums, not jelly babies, but it's so cute and reasonably prized for the size, plus it doesn't dry out the skin like most soaps I have tried. They do have larger bath-bombs than the ones I bought, some shaped like cupcakes and various other desserts, however they were far too big for my liking and the smaller bombs were only ten for £2.25. The scents were had names like Ocean Breeze, Mango, Baby Powder etc. The mango is the only one I have tried so far but I only used one in my bath, which smelt great at first, but the scent had dissipated by the time the bath was full - so I have to remember two are needed.

Finally, my most 'important' buy of the day, and the one I was most enthusiastic about trying, was definitely the Deep Sleep Oil from Totally Natural Skincare.

After several sleepless nights I went straight to Totally Natural to look for anything to help me. I have been to this store many times before, usually for their headache roll-on remedy, and I know my brother-in-law's mother swears by their arthritis cream so I had high hopes for this oil - which was the only product in the Insomnia section. Honestly, I am not impressed yet, though I am unsure how much of it to apply; the instructions say to apply the oil to the chest and neck area before bed and it sinks in quite quickly. The scent and overall effect is quite calming, although the main scent (sweet almond oil) is powerful and not something I enjoy, however, I didn't sleep at all the first night I used it, so I don't think it should be branded as an insomnia remedy.

So, those are my top buys from Whitby and what I am thinking of them so far; some clear winners and definitely some disappointments. Regardless, it was a great day and I would rate my mood that day as: Very Happy Bunny.

Insomnia and a Family Day Out

Oh sleep, why do you hate me? I have never been a good sleeper, as a kid, my sister and I would go to bed and she would be asleep in minutes while I laid there staring at the ceiling for hours. I used to drift off eventually but as I've gotten older, it seems to take longer and longer for me to fall asleep - sometimes I just don't sleep at all. After a few sleepless nights I start to notice several changes in my mood; I'm usually more emotional and anxious when I am overtired, but most worryingly, I also become quite aggressive. This morning I had to be up early to get the train to Whitby for my nephew's birthday, I had probably achieved a maximum of one hours sleep - I only realised I must have nodded off at some point because I remember a very vivid dream about a man with an extra row of teeth in his neck, which he was having cleaned. (I hate my dreams.) Anyway, the anger surfaced; I threw my phone across my bedroom because I couldn't find my charger and almost screamed when I couldn't get to the kitchen because my Mum was messing around in front of me. Thankfully, I calmed down before I actually started screaming at her. 

On the train I started to get very excited, mainly because I could see all the little lambs and wild rabbits hopping around in the fields outside the window, and like most crazy people, I find animals to be quite relaxing. I also love the seaside, so I was really looking forward to today and a bit frustrated it had started so badly. 

My favourite thing to do in Whitby, and the thing I most excited for, is shopping for new crystals, because I love crystals and I hate ordering them from Amazon and paying ridiculous prices plus delivery for sub-par quality. I also feel much more satisfied when I can select my own crystals.

I make a point of visiting TotallyNaturalSkincare for their natural remedies, like their headache roll on, and today I purchased their Deep Sleep Oil for the first time, so hopefully I can sleep tonight. Sadly, I am just one of those people who is always getting headaches and occasionally migraines, but I hate having to take painkillers so I will always opt for a herbal/homeopathic remedies when possible.

My nephew was two today and I have to admit, it makes me feel a bit sad he's growing up so fast and that I haven't actually accomplished anything in the years he has been part of our lives. Part of me wants to work even harder to achieve my goals to show him he can do anything he wants to in life, because so many people give up and stop trying - I don't want that for anyone; life is not complacency. Life should be exciting!

Wasted Days

Okay, so six weeks ago I decided to try a high-carb vegan diet, lured in by the prospect of limitless calories, and it seemed like a great solution to ensuring I ate enough. Which I never do. A lifetime of eating problems and endless diets has ruined my relationship with food; some days I eat constantly, like an absolute pig, and others I barely remember to eat anything.

The vegan lifestyle was not my magical solution. There is no magical solution.

The biggest problem with my bad eating habits is that I simply don't realise I am not eating enough until I start to get ill and, like this morning, discover I cannot get out of bed because I am exhausted.

Today I woke up at 7.00am, ate two breakfasts as my stomach was gnawing on itself, and then went back to bed and slept until 1.00pm. I had to cancel all of my plans and spend the day feeling like a failure. In an attempt to finally take control of my bad habits I have started a food diary - an activity I have tried to avoid in the past because I don't want my life to revolve around calories! Sadly, I don't have much of a choice right now.

In my teenage years I was addicted to self-destruction and now, in my twenties, I am obsessed with self-improvement. So it seems like I embark on a new therapy/lifestyle technique almost every day in order to take control of my life, be it physical, spiritual or emotional. 

My latest methods include:

Writing down my daily food intake
Journalling
Recording all of my 'happy moments' to look over when I feel down
Using a daily planner
Exercising every day
Having a 'crystal bath' once a week, complete with candles, incense, healing crystals and meditative music

On paper, my life should be calm and collected, in reality, I am barely organised chaos.