New Habits and Learning to Function

It is the end of my second week on Sertraline and I am up to 50mg a day now, which didn't bring back any of the original side effects thankfully - the jaw clenching was very uncomfortable. I am living day to day at the moment, some mornings I wake up feeling cheerful and motivated while some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, usually because I have woken up several times during the night. The beauty of the Sertraline is that my mood swings are already less aggressive, I used to go from over-the-top-happy where I would talk non-stop and want to be outside, to complete soul-crushing despair that made me hide in my room. Now, I am more of a constant 'ok' with a few sad moments thrown in. On the face of it, this is an improvement, however, I can honestly say I do miss the crazy, happy times where I would be full of energy and enthusiasm because it would feel like I could do anything and it's a bit hard to feel optimistic right now.

Meh.

I am currently still alcohol free, which meant I missed out on night out recently (sad face), and I am trying to eat healthy and go to bed early - all things I never did before. I feel like I'm changing everything about myself in order to be better and finally enjoy life but I can't help wondering how much I have to change. I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be myself but, obviously, totally being myself wasn't working either. It's definitely a learning curve, it almost feels like I'm a teenager again trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going.

My biggest breakthrough actually came this morning when I sat down at my laptop and started writing again. Becoming an author has always been my one and only goal in life and I actually resigned before Christmas with the idea that all my free time would go into writing and I would finally finish something. Unfortunately, I was also very depressed at the time, and then went into a month-long manic phase where I wrote every day but then became depressed again and decided I didn't like what I had written. So I started again. Which was disheartening but life goes on and I will never be an author until I finish a book, so if that is the only good thing to come from any of this, I will be a happy bunny indeed.

I've read it can take months for Sertraline to really get to work and so far my only struggle has been dealing with my fluctuating appetite and a little fatigue; I'm looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life without anxiety or depression holding me back x

Sertraline/Zoloft: One Week Later

Wow, one week down already and it has been exhausting! Here is a quick update on my current 'state' and how I have been dealing/struggling with my new prescription and supplement 'plan'.

Firstly, a quick run-down of what I am doing and what I am taking:

Morning
Tyrosine 500mg
Taurine 500mg
Liquid B12 and Iron

The Taurine and Tyrosine I read are good for an early morning energy boost; the B12 is also good for energy levels but is also important because I do not eat meat and a B12 and Iron supplement is recommended for a no/low meat diet. These work! I have never been a morning person - ever - but since taking these supplements I have noticed it takes me far less time to 'wake up' and get moving, which makes me very happy because I have always wanted to be one of those cheerful people who bounce out of bed in the morning, ready for the day. I am far from being bouncy but I'm getting better.

After Breakfast
Slow Release Vitamin C - for immunity
Calcium and Vitamin D - I don't eat a lot of dairy.
Omega 3/Fish Oil - for brain function (I do eat fish occasionally so it's ok.)

Just a lot of vitamins because I struggle to eat some days and therefore can't guarantee I am getting the nutrients I need plus, I get ill a lot when I'm feeling low, which makes me feel worse.

6pm - Sertraline 25-50mg

I was originally taking the Sertraline in the mornings but about three hours after taking it, I noticed I was feeling extremely tired - ridiculously so! I was walking around outside and I was yawning every few minutes and so exhausted I was genuinely worried I would just fall down, unconscious.

Oddly, most people experience mania during this period and cannot take Sertraline in the evening but everyone is different and it's finding what works for you. I chose to take only half the prescribed dose for the first week because I am incredibly sensitive to medication and wanted to gradually build it up once I felt ready.

I like to jump on my exercise bike for thirty minutes before eating my dinner and have a hot bath before getting ready for bed to prepare my body and mind for sleep - because I can not naturally shut down at night (sad face).

8.30pm
Combination Amino Acids - because apparently it helps you sleep
A.Vogel 'Dormeasan Sleep' Valerian-Hops Oral Drops - 30 drops in 250ml water

Then at 9pm I get into bed, put on some meditation music and pray for sleep. I also pull down my blackout blind to keep away the pesky sunlight that is still streaming through my windows because, oh yeah, it's summer.

So, the supplements have been in place for ten days now, the Sertraline one week and this new routine only two days and I'm overjoyed to report I am feeling more positive already. I should probably point out I haven't smoked or had a drink in twelve days because it's a huge lifestyle change and a massive step forward for me. I can honestly say my sleeping routines are still a bit all over the place - that's not something that will change so quickly - however, I am already noticing myself feeling happy at certain points during the day and allowing myself to smile then feeling confused as to why I was happy as it's not common for me to experience random happiness.

In conclusion, life isn't easy right now but I do finally feel like I have regained a little bit of control and am becoming happier and less anxious as the days go by. I am incredibly happy I decided to do the research into supplements and stick with them, even after my doctor told me they were useless, and excited for what could be a calmer, fun-filled future.

Never give up; nothing is hopeless unless you stop trying x

(Wow this post is longer than I expected it to be.)

Do Vitamins/Supplements Help Anxiety and Depression?

So, after a terrible month of unbearable mood swings, hiding in my bedroom and occasionally drinking until I black out - to ensure a 'good' night's sleep - I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor. Now, I hadn't been to see a professional about my problems in three years; I was scared, embarrassed and unwilling to accept there was a problem in my life I couldn't fix myself - I was a fool.

So on Tuesday morning I called my doctor and was told the earliest appointment was today (Friday), which I made, however, my brain immediately kicked into gear and started saying:

"I can do something to help myself, there must be something; that way I can go to the doctor and say - look I already did it, I don't need anything!"

So, I got straight on the internet and searched for 'natural remedies for depression' and the first couple of articles all raved on about the benefits of DHA (DOCOSAHEXAENOIC ACID) which is an Omega-3 fatty acid. DHA is essential for normal brain function and it is said that people suffering with anxiety are lacking in DHA. I also discovered the use of branch amino acids to counteract mania and encourage healthy sleep cycles. The two main source of this information where a manic depression forum called CureZone and an article called Balancing Brain Chemistry by Peter Smith. Both convinced me to go rushing to my nearest health shop and spend a considerable amount of money on DHA/Omega-3, Tysine, Taurine and a number of other supplements and vitamins in the hope that I would feel even a small improvement.

So back to the question: Do any of these supplements help with depression?

My doctor says: No.

As much as I trust my doctor's professional opinion I can't deny noticing some differences. My mood and general anxiety levels were unaffected, however, I did gradually notice I was sleeping much better compared to the previous weeks. The first night I was awake until 3am and woke at 8am, the second I fell asleep not long after 1am and woke (very sluggishly) at 11am and by the third (last night) I was asleep shortly after midnight and woke up at 9am - very normal.

I don't believe that any supplement will compare to professional treatment when you are in the grips of any mental health struggle but I have experienced certain benefits that have left me confused by my doctor's very blunt reply.

Anyway, I will be continuing with my newly acquired supplements as well as embarking on a new course of Sertraline (Zoloft) and having to contact a therapist to discuss my ever-growing fear of going outside and talking to ANYONE. I'm willing to try anything and I believe it is the best approach, I enjoy researching natural remedies and trying to help myself because I do not enjoy relying on other people - trust issues; a possible topic of discussion for my therapist.

All in all, after an unhappy week, I am experiencing a great sense of relief and, for tonight, I am a Happy Little Bunny x

P.s. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's scary but it's worth it.

Bad Habits and Lifelong Dreams

So, I have been struggling recently with my mood and I have been relying on some old habits to get me through; habits I would much rather be done with at this point on my life. As a teenager I started smoking and drinking far too young in an attempt to make myself happier and feel more confident but I eventually learnt that over-indulging in those types of behaviour where only making me worse.

Nowadays, I have a certain level of control over my bad habits, however, when I am experiencing a prolonged period of sadness or general frustration with myself I do tend to drink a bit more often and smoke a lot more. I would like to eventually quit smoking but my life and stress levels right now make it difficult for me to stop, plus it remains to be a guilty pleasure I feel reluctant to let go.

Last week was very hectic, lots of things to do and places to go, which was fun at the time, but as I spend so much time indoors, I tend to feel ridiculously drained after being so busy and I have been quite ill since Friday. I have been tired and have had horrible headaches, plus my sleeping is still rubbish, which has made my shaking more noticeable and made me very uncomfortable in all social situations.

I know anxiety is a very common condition throughout the world but I am yet to meet, or speak with, another person who trembles like I do; I am still relying on medication to stop my shaking and allow me to function. It's become quite embarrassing for me and I often wonder what people will think if they see me shaking; if I have to hand someone something or hold something in front of people I become very panicked. I wish I had the nerve to just say "I have an anxiety disorder, and that is why I shake" but I don't. Sigh.



The most disappointing side effect of such a low mood is that I never get anything done! All my life I have only ever had one dream: to be a writer. At the end of last year I quit my job, partially due to the stress it was causing me (I noticed my first grey hairs at 25) and also to focus on finishing my first novel/manuscript. When I am unhappy however, I write less and less, which is so frustrating and I get so angry with myself - which doesn't help. That's when I start to notice an increase in my drinking, usually when I am alone, and smoking, as well as watching a lot of t.v. and wasting days.

Staying motivated when it feels like the whole world is against you, and all you're ever going to be is a failure, is hard. However, I'm fairly confident the bad patch is coming to an end (for now). It might take me until the day I die to finish one book but I will finish it!

I have noticed a recent popularity in adult colouring books i.e. colouring therapy, which I am intrigued by. When I was younger I would love to draw and doodle and found it comforting but I would much rather draw my own pictures and colour them than spend ten times the normal amount of money for a colouring book, just because it's not for children.

Anyway, all in all, Not a Happy Bunny so far this week, but I am working on it x

What I Bought in Whitby and Reviews

Today I am going to go through everything I bought during my trip to the seaside on Wednesday and my thoughts on the products; so far there are clear winners and loser amongst my purchases.

So, the first shop I visited was Seashells and Gemstones (I think that's the name):

The crystals I chose are Amethyst and Citrine, both rough cut rather than gemstones as I already have gemstones of each. I prefer crystals in their natural form where possible, however, it is much easier to pop a gemstone into my pocket than a chunk of rough crystal, and I never leave the house without at least one. I have always used Amethyst for meditation and like to have it when I am doing a card reading, it's properties include protection and the ability to enhance psychic abilities. Citrine is a new favourite that was suggested to me by my psychic to help with concentration/focus, it is known to absorb negative energies and encourage success - it was recommended specifically to help me with my low feeling of self-worth. The tiger's eye pendant was also to encourage self-worth and to bring me courage - it was tested the very next day when I wore it to an exam; I was ill, had achieved zero sleep the night before and was in the grips of an anxiety attack that made me want to run  from the exam room only half way through the test! I stuck through it however and managed an 89% result even though I skipped several questions in order to get the hell out of there before I threw up.

My new wax melter is by far my favourite purchase from Seashells and Gemstones. It is a wax melter by Heart & Home, it was £9.99, and I love it. It's so dainty and decorative, plus I don't like air  fresheners because I am always worried about inhaling chemicals, and I prefer to burn incense normally but not any more. I actually received a Collectables wax melt gift set for Christmas that I am only now able to use and I am obsessed with them! The scents are subtle and yet they fill the whole room for hours.

When we go to Whitby, my sister has to pay a visit to Honeyz Handmade Bath Products for their handmade soaps and bath-bombs, which I tried for the first time recently.

The Jelly Baby Soap was £3 and it smells like wine gums, not jelly babies, but it's so cute and reasonably prized for the size, plus it doesn't dry out the skin like most soaps I have tried. They do have larger bath-bombs than the ones I bought, some shaped like cupcakes and various other desserts, however they were far too big for my liking and the smaller bombs were only ten for £2.25. The scents were had names like Ocean Breeze, Mango, Baby Powder etc. The mango is the only one I have tried so far but I only used one in my bath, which smelt great at first, but the scent had dissipated by the time the bath was full - so I have to remember two are needed.

Finally, my most 'important' buy of the day, and the one I was most enthusiastic about trying, was definitely the Deep Sleep Oil from Totally Natural Skincare.

After several sleepless nights I went straight to Totally Natural to look for anything to help me. I have been to this store many times before, usually for their headache roll-on remedy, and I know my brother-in-law's mother swears by their arthritis cream so I had high hopes for this oil - which was the only product in the Insomnia section. Honestly, I am not impressed yet, though I am unsure how much of it to apply; the instructions say to apply the oil to the chest and neck area before bed and it sinks in quite quickly. The scent and overall effect is quite calming, although the main scent (sweet almond oil) is powerful and not something I enjoy, however, I didn't sleep at all the first night I used it, so I don't think it should be branded as an insomnia remedy.

So, those are my top buys from Whitby and what I am thinking of them so far; some clear winners and definitely some disappointments. Regardless, it was a great day and I would rate my mood that day as: Very Happy Bunny.