I'm So Confused

So, the hard times continue...

This last month has been painful! My mind and body are so mixed up, I just don't know what's going on. All the toxins are coming out of my skin after 11 weeks since giving up smoking and I have been acne-riddled for weeks now. My chin especially has been a mess; my sister asked me earlier this week if I had a rash. I went through creams and washes, masks and scrubs, all of them useless, so as of two days ago, I'm cutting down on the face products because I know I'm only making it worse. A lot of people have suggested I go to the doctor for help but they don't understand all of the changes my body is going through, or that this will only be temporary. Spots are irritating but they are not my biggest concern.

A niggling, but ever-present, concern right now is my appetite. In the beginning I craved donuts, cakes and cookies, then I settled into a simpler eating plan of cereal, sandwiches, pasta and other 'sort of healthy' but quite basic foods. Unfortunately, as time goes by, my appetite is getting smaller and smaller; I haven't dared weigh myself because I don't want my mind to get excited about the loss and then become disappointed again later. I know I don't eat enough some days and I've been counting calories and aiming for 2000 a day to help me heal. I need food right now, yet can't bring myself to eat it, and when I do, everything is tasteless.

My mind is just numb. Before I was always so wound up that weeks would fly by without my realising; mania, anger, depression and anxiety broke up my days, leaving all the in-betweens as a blur of nothing. Now, I am completely and totally aware of every second of every day. It's difficult to deal with, I cannot lie, to go from living inside my own head while the world moves around me to seeing and experiencing everything. Part of me does try to retreat from it, my imagination tries to overpower the reality, especially during the hard moments of the last month.

Sometime It All Gets Too Much

It has been a struggle not to let myself sink into depression, it has become a familiar state for me (isn't that just tragic). Sometimes my only goal is this weekly update, but lately, it has been hard to force myself to publish my personal downfalls. I do it to remind myself how far I have come.
No one said this would be easy. If anyone reading this is going through anything similar I just want you to know that you are not alone; remember that you are changing your life for the better. Be proud of yourself and realise that people who love you are proud of you too, even if they don't know how to say it.

THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE SCARIEST. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE CLIMBING UP AND NOT DOWN.