Taking Risks

I haven't been in school for almost ten years now and I can honestly say I hated it. My anxiety was peaking, I was socially awkward and terrified of being judged - which is common for a lot of people at that age but then they go to college and 'find' themselves and tend to be more confident and comfortable. I went to college for two months before I gave up and went into full time work. I found the classroom environment so uncomfortable, I had trouble concentrating because I was always tired and stressed, plus I was becoming severely depressed; I had no motivation, no aspirations and I was drinking far too much. Silly me.

Over time I sorted myself out and started trying to do more and think of ways to make my life better but I always struggled with the thought of returning to school because of my experiences even though I wanted to further my learning - my anxiety held me back. Years passed (I'm now 25) and fell into the thought process of believing I was too old to learn anything, I wouldn't be smart enough etc. I basically lost all confidence in myself.

Anyway, in March this year, I agreed to study for a small IT qualification to hopefully increase my chances of finding a job and build my confidence. I didn't sleep the night before my induction and I felt so confined surrounded by all these strangers while I was taking basic tests to determine my skill level but I survived and arranged to do the majority of my study at home plus one day a week in an actual class. At first I hated it. I was always nervous when anyone tried to talk to me and I panicked when it came to learning anything new. I studied with The Hope Foundation in Middlesbrough and I can honestly say the entire organisation is brilliant! The tutors and the volunteers were friendly and so amazing and I got high scores on all my assessments - it was a huge boost for me, not only to achieve something but to have people congratulating me and reminding me it is ok to feel proud. Pride is an emotion I usually reject, instead of feeling good when people say 'well done' I just feel tense and hope they change the subject. I find it hard to see the good in myself.

The last day of my IT course I sat down with my tutor who asked me about my plans for the future. She knew exactly how I was feeling and had obviously been paying close attention to me during the few months I had known her and she asked me to consider university. Of course I had considered it but my fears and insecurities had held me back. My tutor spent a lot of time telling me not to waste my potential and not to restrict myself. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced during this conversation - I have made so many mistakes that it often feels like most people have given up on me, so having someone sit in front of me and tell me they believe in me was overwhelming.

Long story short: I'm getting a degree!

It's a huge step forward for me and something I never thought would happen, Of course, my current state is still rather up-and-down so I am looking into online learning, specifically with the Open University, to avoid stressing myself out and giving up. I don't want to give up. I owe a lot to my tutor Rebecca and The Hope Foundation for helping me and I can't thank them enough for that.

 It doesn't matter what happened in the past, it's never too late to change the future.

Here's to the next step....

Don't underestimate the power of your words. Be kind, smile, and you could change someones life; no matter how small the message, it could mean the world to someone who needs to hear it x

When to take it EASY...

I had a post planned for today that involved doing research and planning but I have been so run-down this week that I couldn't have written it to the best of my ability. Instead I am going to talk about self-expectations and perceived 'failure'. I expect a lot from myself, I'm a huge advocate of planning; lists, budgets, timetables/schedules etc. I like to know I have gotten the most out of my day, which was easy during a manic phase because I had so much energy and needed very little sleep, and of course getting anything done at all while depressed is a struggle. When you're already feeling low and are also adding the extra pressure of 'needing' to get things done, which you then can't do, really increases the feeling of failure and makes the depression more unbearable.

Thanks to my new routine and the added help from my medication I'm not experiencing noticeable mania or depression right now and I have been pushing myself to get as much done as possible to make up for the lack of productivity in the earlier months of the year. The feeling of being able to look at your to-do list for the day and put a big tick next to each task is so empowering; even small achievements feel amazing. Unfortunately, much like mania tricks you into feeling happy, the sertraline has tricked me into believing I'm more capable than I probably am.

The biggest mistake I have made is doing too much too soon. I am only 5 weeks into my recovery and my expectations are far too high. I promised myself in the beginning that I wouldn't do anything too drastic in the first 2-3 months and have realised today that I have shattered that promise. I'm attempting to write two books at once, while editing another in time for an online thriller competition (submissions have to be in by July), I've increased my exercise difficulty and quantity - I've gone from 30 minutes light daily cardio to include weights and toning at least 3 times a week. Plus I'm attempting to change my diet (again), read every day, meditate twice a week instead of once, find work, look for a new home and I'm looking into going back to college in September,

What Was I Thinking??

In between all of these 'tasks' I try to spend time with my family, budget my life, go outside as much as possible and keep two daily journals. And I'm sat here in pyjamas wondering why I'm so exhausted! I've pushed myself too far, which I know is quite common with most people; we create these unattainable levels of 'perfection' and then stress ourselves out to the point where our bodies and minds are so fatigued we end up feeling ill. 

Here's the truth: Perfection Is Not Real!

Nobody is perfect, whether 'normal' or suffering from anxiety/depression or any other condition that makes life that bit more difficult. While I do believe planning ahead is a good thing, it's best not to get ahead of ourselves. Recuperation is something I never include in my timetable but it's probably more important than anything else in my life right now; it's probably the most important thing missing in most of your lives too. We have to remember to take the time to rest our minds and bodies because if we don't, we won't have the energy or motivation to achieve anything. I have a lot of life goals but that isn't all life is about; it isn't about work, or looking the best, or being the smartest or the fittest, it isn't even about being happy every single day.

Life is always changing, because it's supposed to, we experience a range of emotions and should always try new things, but above all, we should do the things we enjoy for ourselves and take pride in knowing that we get out of bed every day and we try. As long as we keep trying we can never truly fail (I say that a lot). As of today, I am going to try to relax more, I'm going to try to not be as strict with myself and take more pleasure from the things I love while I'm doing them, instead of thinking about the next task on the list.

A tick isn't that important. 

(Writing that actually made me wince.)

"All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it." - Samuel Butler

One Month Update

On May 16th this year I had one of my worst days; mania, depression, anxiety and alcohol-fuelled self-loathing occurred. Unlike every other dark episode of my life, this one finally broke me and I accepted that I have problems that required outside help to fix. I stopped drinking, stopped smoking and paid a visit to my doctor where I was prescribed Sertraline (zoloft) and advised to see a therapist, then I committed to learning everything I could that might help me live a better life.

After one week of taking Sertraline I noticed a huge difference in my mood and my anxiety levels, unfortunately it didn't last; my moods have definitely stabilised but my anxiety is still proving a regular struggle. Anxiety isn't going to be fixed by pills or supplements, though I am taking a fair few, but I'm confident that regular C.B.T. (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) will eventually make things easier. I'm still supplementing DHA and have recently started increasing my daily magnesium intake because I stopped sleeping again; I have cut down on sugar and caffeine, as well as restricting carbs before bed to help me sleep.  (I hate not being able to sleep - it makes my anxiety worse and puts me in a very bad mood.)

Meditation has become one of my favourite ways to relax over this last week, even though every time I ever attempted it before I could never clear my head enough to feel the benefits. The best thing for me was finding the right music to meditate to and my go-to track right now is Patrick Bernham's Archangelis, which is beautiful; the music changes between peaceful and uplifting, plus the song is over 26 minutes long - a perfect amount of meditation time for me.

My diet has changed weekly over the last month because my tastes and my appetite are all over the place thanks to the Sertraline but I am working hard to eat the right foods, even if the portions aren't big enough right now. I am eating a lot of spinach and seeds for the magnesium; I'm also using epsom salts and a magnesium spray to ensure I get enough.

My biggest achievement has definitely been giving up smoking and restraining from alcohol when my mood gets low; I'm confident that after a whole month without drinking that my attitude  towards it has drastically changed. I can survive depression and have fun without alcohol - it is possible. I have done a lot of research into the effects of alcohol on the brain and found that one third of people with major depression also have an alcohol problem but it's only a temporary fix; long term substance abuse only damages the brain. Being sober helps you reconnect with the real you and gets you out of the trap of believing you need something outside of yourself to feel happy. I highly recommend going sober for at least a month to feel the benefits and change the way you think about drinking in general, I know that if I go out or have a special occasion I can have one or two drinks IF I want to but drinking to excess in an attempt to block out my problems is never going to work. Also, not drinking has made giving up smoking a lot easier because I always smoked a lot more while drinking.

Obviously it has only been a month and I expect things will only keep getting better if I stay optimistic and keep taking care of myself. Life isn't going to magically become perfect and stay that way - we all have to keep trying and work at being the best we can be.

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." - Victor Kiam

Anxiety OR Fear

It's June! Almost halfway through the year already - yikes.
So, recently I took a trip to the fair with my sister and her family, where the two of us rode on several rides - including a roller-coaster - so not just little rides. As a child I always loved big rides and rarely shied away from any sort of exciting activity; I went on a school trip when I was eleven that involved climbing a large tree (possibly 20-30ft) and jumping for a trapeze bar while harnessed (I missed by miles). Reliving all of these memories, as my sister and I screamed and laughed hysterically while we were spun and thrown into the air, got me thinking about the differences between fear and anxiety.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking my sister and I are daredevils - we are not - neither of us is brave enough to handle the more extreme rides and, like most people, we spent the minutes before each ride (the ones were you are strapped in and there's officially no backing out) laughing nervously and, in my case, questioning my own sanity. However, I noticed distinct differences between those pre-ride butterflies and my regular anxiety, and between fear and anxiety in general.

Fear Is An Emotional Response To Real Danger

Anxiety Is A Psychological Disorder Triggered By Imagined Danger

For a long time I believed I couldn't have anxiety because there are few things I genuinely fear, until I realised my biggest fear was/is anxiety itself and began treating the two as separate conditions. Anyone who has ever experienced an anxiety attack will know the fear that sets in when you first start to feel the effects, but, unfortunately, fear and anxiety have the same symptoms, and so panicking about panicking will only make it worse - it's a vicious cycle. I have also noticed that excitement also invokes the same symptoms on occasion.

My Definitions:

Fear is the bodies reaction to stress/danger; hormones are released to allow the body to effectively react; it forces us to act. Having a phobia can often encourage a person to overcome their fear because they can identify the root cause. Once the danger has passed, the effects of fear usually go away.

Anxiety is triggered by the mind either recreating or fabricating a stressful/dangerous situation, and so the body reacts by releasing the same stress hormones as fear. However, as their is no danger, the body keeps releasing these hormones because it can't determine when it is safe.

To apply these definitions to my trip to the fair; I was afraid before riding a roller-coaster because it's fast, high up and sometimes rides malfunction - pessimistic thinking. This was natural. However, my anxiety over being in such a large crowd of people and flinching whenever anyone brushed against me, was my mind imagining all the bad things that COULD happen; my subconscious may have been remembering a time in my past where being surrounded by people ended badly.

This is where we were -

and this isn't even half of the queue to get in!

I can honestly say that learning and researching anxiety has helped me understand and come to terms with my condition more than I ever imagined. I encourage anyone who is suffering from any condition/disorder to learn as much as you can - it really reduces the fear.

Be smart, Be strong and Bravery will come x

My Resources

www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-fear-and-anxiety

www.innerhealthstudio.com/fear-and-anxiety.html

normalintraining.com/2015/04/13/anxiety-vs-fear

New Habits and Learning to Function

It is the end of my second week on Sertraline and I am up to 50mg a day now, which didn't bring back any of the original side effects thankfully - the jaw clenching was very uncomfortable. I am living day to day at the moment, some mornings I wake up feeling cheerful and motivated while some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, usually because I have woken up several times during the night. The beauty of the Sertraline is that my mood swings are already less aggressive, I used to go from over-the-top-happy where I would talk non-stop and want to be outside, to complete soul-crushing despair that made me hide in my room. Now, I am more of a constant 'ok' with a few sad moments thrown in. On the face of it, this is an improvement, however, I can honestly say I do miss the crazy, happy times where I would be full of energy and enthusiasm because it would feel like I could do anything and it's a bit hard to feel optimistic right now.

Meh.

I am currently still alcohol free, which meant I missed out on night out recently (sad face), and I am trying to eat healthy and go to bed early - all things I never did before. I feel like I'm changing everything about myself in order to be better and finally enjoy life but I can't help wondering how much I have to change. I don't know if I can be happy if I can't be myself but, obviously, totally being myself wasn't working either. It's definitely a learning curve, it almost feels like I'm a teenager again trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going.

My biggest breakthrough actually came this morning when I sat down at my laptop and started writing again. Becoming an author has always been my one and only goal in life and I actually resigned before Christmas with the idea that all my free time would go into writing and I would finally finish something. Unfortunately, I was also very depressed at the time, and then went into a month-long manic phase where I wrote every day but then became depressed again and decided I didn't like what I had written. So I started again. Which was disheartening but life goes on and I will never be an author until I finish a book, so if that is the only good thing to come from any of this, I will be a happy bunny indeed.

I've read it can take months for Sertraline to really get to work and so far my only struggle has been dealing with my fluctuating appetite and a little fatigue; I'm looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life without anxiety or depression holding me back x

Sertraline/Zoloft: One Week Later

Wow, one week down already and it has been exhausting! Here is a quick update on my current 'state' and how I have been dealing/struggling with my new prescription and supplement 'plan'.

Firstly, a quick run-down of what I am doing and what I am taking:

Morning
Tyrosine 500mg
Taurine 500mg
Liquid B12 and Iron

The Taurine and Tyrosine I read are good for an early morning energy boost; the B12 is also good for energy levels but is also important because I do not eat meat and a B12 and Iron supplement is recommended for a no/low meat diet. These work! I have never been a morning person - ever - but since taking these supplements I have noticed it takes me far less time to 'wake up' and get moving, which makes me very happy because I have always wanted to be one of those cheerful people who bounce out of bed in the morning, ready for the day. I am far from being bouncy but I'm getting better.

After Breakfast
Slow Release Vitamin C - for immunity
Calcium and Vitamin D - I don't eat a lot of dairy.
Omega 3/Fish Oil - for brain function (I do eat fish occasionally so it's ok.)

Just a lot of vitamins because I struggle to eat some days and therefore can't guarantee I am getting the nutrients I need plus, I get ill a lot when I'm feeling low, which makes me feel worse.

6pm - Sertraline 25-50mg

I was originally taking the Sertraline in the mornings but about three hours after taking it, I noticed I was feeling extremely tired - ridiculously so! I was walking around outside and I was yawning every few minutes and so exhausted I was genuinely worried I would just fall down, unconscious.

Oddly, most people experience mania during this period and cannot take Sertraline in the evening but everyone is different and it's finding what works for you. I chose to take only half the prescribed dose for the first week because I am incredibly sensitive to medication and wanted to gradually build it up once I felt ready.

I like to jump on my exercise bike for thirty minutes before eating my dinner and have a hot bath before getting ready for bed to prepare my body and mind for sleep - because I can not naturally shut down at night (sad face).

8.30pm
Combination Amino Acids - because apparently it helps you sleep
A.Vogel 'Dormeasan Sleep' Valerian-Hops Oral Drops - 30 drops in 250ml water

Then at 9pm I get into bed, put on some meditation music and pray for sleep. I also pull down my blackout blind to keep away the pesky sunlight that is still streaming through my windows because, oh yeah, it's summer.

So, the supplements have been in place for ten days now, the Sertraline one week and this new routine only two days and I'm overjoyed to report I am feeling more positive already. I should probably point out I haven't smoked or had a drink in twelve days because it's a huge lifestyle change and a massive step forward for me. I can honestly say my sleeping routines are still a bit all over the place - that's not something that will change so quickly - however, I am already noticing myself feeling happy at certain points during the day and allowing myself to smile then feeling confused as to why I was happy as it's not common for me to experience random happiness.

In conclusion, life isn't easy right now but I do finally feel like I have regained a little bit of control and am becoming happier and less anxious as the days go by. I am incredibly happy I decided to do the research into supplements and stick with them, even after my doctor told me they were useless, and excited for what could be a calmer, fun-filled future.

Never give up; nothing is hopeless unless you stop trying x

(Wow this post is longer than I expected it to be.)

Do Vitamins/Supplements Help Anxiety and Depression?

So, after a terrible month of unbearable mood swings, hiding in my bedroom and occasionally drinking until I black out - to ensure a 'good' night's sleep - I finally decided to make an appointment with my doctor. Now, I hadn't been to see a professional about my problems in three years; I was scared, embarrassed and unwilling to accept there was a problem in my life I couldn't fix myself - I was a fool.

So on Tuesday morning I called my doctor and was told the earliest appointment was today (Friday), which I made, however, my brain immediately kicked into gear and started saying:

"I can do something to help myself, there must be something; that way I can go to the doctor and say - look I already did it, I don't need anything!"

So, I got straight on the internet and searched for 'natural remedies for depression' and the first couple of articles all raved on about the benefits of DHA (DOCOSAHEXAENOIC ACID) which is an Omega-3 fatty acid. DHA is essential for normal brain function and it is said that people suffering with anxiety are lacking in DHA. I also discovered the use of branch amino acids to counteract mania and encourage healthy sleep cycles. The two main source of this information where a manic depression forum called CureZone and an article called Balancing Brain Chemistry by Peter Smith. Both convinced me to go rushing to my nearest health shop and spend a considerable amount of money on DHA/Omega-3, Tysine, Taurine and a number of other supplements and vitamins in the hope that I would feel even a small improvement.

So back to the question: Do any of these supplements help with depression?

My doctor says: No.

As much as I trust my doctor's professional opinion I can't deny noticing some differences. My mood and general anxiety levels were unaffected, however, I did gradually notice I was sleeping much better compared to the previous weeks. The first night I was awake until 3am and woke at 8am, the second I fell asleep not long after 1am and woke (very sluggishly) at 11am and by the third (last night) I was asleep shortly after midnight and woke up at 9am - very normal.

I don't believe that any supplement will compare to professional treatment when you are in the grips of any mental health struggle but I have experienced certain benefits that have left me confused by my doctor's very blunt reply.

Anyway, I will be continuing with my newly acquired supplements as well as embarking on a new course of Sertraline (Zoloft) and having to contact a therapist to discuss my ever-growing fear of going outside and talking to ANYONE. I'm willing to try anything and I believe it is the best approach, I enjoy researching natural remedies and trying to help myself because I do not enjoy relying on other people - trust issues; a possible topic of discussion for my therapist.

All in all, after an unhappy week, I am experiencing a great sense of relief and, for tonight, I am a Happy Little Bunny x

P.s. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's scary but it's worth it.